h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Spotted Dog old boy ? Surely not what !

Spotted Dog with custard ...

Where's that blasted drool-wallah?

I feel sure that I shall be a worthwile member of this wot'ere bally good club- and I know a lot about marmelade.*hopefull smile*

Splendid, quite splendid. Partial to a spot of marmers meself Padders. Consider your application accepted

If you had a moment to complete a short bio that would be tip-top so we can put it on the roster. I believe most of the Chaps have sacrificed accuracy for a certain style if you get my drift

Well now me ducks, I'm British to the bottom of me Wellington Boots, and beside a penchant for marmelade, I can down a whiskey before you can bark "Ger'Orff'
I can provide cut glass English or Mockney Cockney, whichever you Chaps wanna prefer,oops sorry, that were me fake American
Yours Truely
Paddington

I think that rather depends on the cut of your jib Padders. Most of the membership are Chaps - we lounge, we wager, we generally complain about the state of the country and we talk at endless length about how Johnny Foreigner hasn't got a clue. We like fine wine, single malts without ice and we don't like Gypo's and Frenchies. Membership of this group certainly demands a refined accent, good breeding and access to wealth.

We are waited upon by persons of *ahem* less distinguished lineage and accomplishments who almost invariably have a quite distinctive accent. Take Hogg the Gardener for example U189304 - salt of the earth, of fine yeoman stock, but would we let him near the MacLurchers ? I should jolly well think not what !

Well look here old Chap, I say, jolly what? I just love to splutter about the Frogs, should all be shot, what? And I can out lounge anyone, and why hasn't someone deported all them Gypos is bally well beyond me..ER.. where is the Powder Room by the way?

Strewth, Redders old chap, Powder room? Still makin` our own, are we?

What day is it..Have I missed something vital?

Damned shame anyway, well whatever you think is best old chap, never let us down yet, what!!

Powder room, Hmmmmmmm, seem to recall...Oh, sod it.

The Powder room is next to the Gun room old boy, for ease of access when preparing shot and case for our annual shoot you know. Surprised it slipped your mind old man .... running low are we

Coming to think of it that brace of Gypo's that Questers bagged on the 9th hole last summer is probably still in there so it might need an airing, what.

Ah, with you now, old chap!!
Best send one of the gels in first then..likely to be a tad ripe, as you say.
Dellers seems to do a lot of airing, right up her street, should`ve thought, what with that tack she drinks, shouldn`t notice any difference...
Meanwhile I`ll look into replenishing..whatever needs replenishing, as it were

Thanks a lot old chap - a girl has to keep her ...er...er....'standards up- Dellers,?? tally ho, that girl is a shining example to us all...*staggers over to join her*
Gypos ? Havn't they all been shot yet? Disgusting !!!!!! Why is my glass empty.... damn.. don't remember slurping that lot down.. fiil it up !!

Ahh the Gypo's, now there's a ticklish little problem, thought it generally best just to occasionally cull them rather than an out-and-out extermination. If the Gypo's went then we'd have to shoot the servants for sport and then where would we be .... having to go to the bar meself that's where and that simply wouldn't do would it !

*guffaws loudly*

*bangs gavel*

Order Chaps, Order.

Item 1 on todays Membership Committee agenda is the ticklish issue of honarary membership for Colonials.

I am quite aware that we've always placed breeding and class above the accidental nature of one's place of birth as appropriate qualifications for entry. In addition I do rather remember sounding orf way back in posting 56 about the unsuitability of our Australian cousins for Club membership - a view I have held longer than that bottle of MacLurchers VE-Day Special Reserve that I have hidden in the Butlers pantry.

But dash it all Chaps a rather splendid Antipodean Filly has suddenly popped into our midst saying all sorts of pleasant things about our hallowed establishment and I say it's about time we dragged ourselves into the 19th century and finally admit an Aussie. What say you Chaps ?

Popsy's popsy as far as I'm concerned, even if it is antipodean ...

So long as her handlebar is finely waxed and her Maclurchers is free of those ghastly "rocks" our transatlantic chums insist on sullying the good stuff with, then she's got to be alright ... remember though, tree dwelling marsupials must be stuffed and mounted before seeking admittance ...

... or was that popsy ... ?

Never could remember ...

I say? Is this establishment still open?

Blest if I have the slightest idea, dear old horse. Hard to tell the difference anyway, 'xept for the times chaps were landing war planes on the green, or got shot down, I don't remember which. Have a peg of Glen Wobble on the strength of it!

As tempting as Glen Wobble is I have to say that I'm more of a G&T man.

G&T? Trifle effeminate what? Don't know if the bar carries it, no demand you know, the lady members stickin to the straight stuff. Makes ...er ...the hair grow on the breast...

Effeminate? You'll be telling me Martinis are effeminate next! Good Lord, I never thought I'd hear such blasphemy against the Chappist Manifesto.

Gut rot, all that stuff. Specially the shaken kind. Reminds me of that secret service chap, awful bleeder.