h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The bally trews have taken a battering and the old egyptian cotton unmentionables are pretty much finished I'm afraid.

*brightens up*

What about a viking funeral for old Redders underwear then eh ? Splendid idea what - we could do it in the water trap on the 4th hole.

We can pour the rest of that old bottle of Burmese brandy over it just to set it alight...

That Bally oriental muck will go up on it's own without any assistance.

Cracking idea though.

Right-o here we go then. I need some help getting me cummerbund orf ..... any volunteers ?

I say, you've steamed up the old monocle!

Sorry old boy but had to get the shreddies orf somehow. Still here they are.

*holds up a venerable and ancient pair of underpants*

Oh. Haven't seen anything that messy since Paschendaale

Eh? Passiondale? Wooaahhr!
I haven't visited that little wh... house for months!
Is Jeannie still doing that delightfully deviant activity with her tongue?
I say, top up the if you don't mind, there's a good chap!

Curious request but here you go Old Boy.

*wrings out underwear into the glass of *

Bet they charge extra for that down at Passiondales what !

*careers down stairs on silver tray dressed entirely in 18th century generals garb, weilding a rusty sabre and screaming blue murder while hacking wildly at the ballustrade*

What-ho chaps ... bally sorry for being a little absent recently ... had a spot of duty with the Frenchies, donchaknow ... that and a bally good going over the old Cresta course, somewhat obligatory, what.

Wingo snapped his collarbone at The Halfway House but seeing as he was half cut on some dashed good dram confiscated from some cad of a soldier, he was so utterly smashed he had no idea. As for Bounder, Bing and Lefty they were lead astray by a couple of Russian Cavalry chaps - splendid sorts, swapped 'em a pair of puttees for this fine ivory inlaid bejeweled cigarette box and then made off with a brace of virginal swiss popsies for a spot of how's yer father in the St Moritz ... I wasn't to know the ambassador was having a reception.

What-ho ... last one to the top of the stairs is a scallywag ...

Seems a tad excitable and would put me in danger of spilling me drink. I've always felt that all this skiing malarkey was best left to the bright young things. Leaves room on the terrace for me to sit with a drop of gluwein and oggle them, wot.

*sterilzes by adding half a bottle of rum*
That's better! Just a tad salty but what-ho!

Try it with some lemon and a dash of tequila wrinklers old man whilst I say hulloo to Ekkers

*screws monocle in and ambles over to inspect the remains of the ballustrade*

Good Lord Ekkers - that's a frightful mess old chap. That was wood reclaimed from the wreck of HMS Balderdash ... the ship that Unckers Pater went down on in the last skirmish against those teutonic fellers.

Deuced if I know what he's going to make of this

Bally fine kindling I would've thought ... either that or perhaps a matchstick replica of HMS Balderdash ... a fitting tribute I would've thought ...

Unkers won't mind - he's a top hole sort of chap - bally good cricketer to boot - leg-breaks donchano ... pretty handy fellow with the bat too - and a safe pair of hands ... I rememember back in '42 when he took a brace of Jerries in the opening over, skittled out another couple later on and then scored a resounding 58 (not out) at the crease ... marvellous display ... fritz didn't know what hit him ...

Yes I'm afraid the balustrade is a total write-orf Ekkers

Maybe we could use the remains to give my recently expired underwear that Viking Funeral I promised it. It's what Unckers pater would have wanted I'm sure

Not very CofE now is it. All it needs is a dab of fishpaste to hold it together and it will look good as new. Was how we kept the NAAFI going after that bally friendly fire incident. Nothing friendly about it if you ask me, certainly the Yank didn't take his "friendly" thrashing afterwards with much grace, wot.

I'll get my batman buffing my buttons and shine up the old sabre ... splendid shreddies need a splendid send off ... Unkers Pater would be honoured I'm sure ... perhaps Unkers could officiate - just got to get round to finding the rascal ... proving somewhat elusive these days, what?

Yes I think the Bounder might have gorn and joined another club what !

Anyone seen those tongs so I can pick up the unmentionables . A pair of gauntlets would do at a pinch

WhatwhatWHAT!!?
*snort*

Gauntlet!?

No! It's all coming back. Bally squinty eyes and rows on rows of bayonets. Enough to send a chap batty!

Narrowly avoided that though, eh, what?

What's been going on? Who moved my pills?

Bassman removes the piece of bread from the toasting fork....

Dash it all Redders, I was looking forward to some toast - never mind I'm sure your need is greater than mine....

Offers fork for lifting Shreddies



Bassers

Good Gracious, if it isn't the all round good egg, Bassers ... well done, dear fellow. Now then, what'll it be? Flaggon of the usual?

You'll all doubtless be thrilled to hear that the replica of HMS Balderdash is coming on rather nicely. Been toiling into the wee small hours getting it right, down to the minutest detail.

Of course when I say I, I do of course mean my bat man ... bally good sort, bit slovenly at times and needs a good dressing down once in a while but his heart is in the right place. He's doing sterling work too - who'd have thought his ham-fisted appearance would be quite so deft at match-stick modelling.


Anyway, "on on. Onwards and upwards" as we used to say in, er, dash it all, I've forgotten when we used to say it.

say what? Who's been talking? The walls have ears donchaknow, the doors have tonsils and the skirting boards are just awash with adenoids ... gotta keep yer eyes peeled at all times ... you never can tell who might be listening ...

Bally rot, wot! I spent weeks in Cairo regalling me pals with tales of the cock ups in the Dardanelles planning office and Jonny Turk never caught a whiff of it. It all went off marvellously well if I remember rightly, Byzantium for Christmas and all that.