h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Forceful measures you say ...

*starts queue*

Never quite recovered from Nannys chastisements when I was but a lad ...

Give Unkers the once over with the Bees Wax Polish - he'll come up a treat, you mark my words ...

i quite forgot, old Victorians, a penchant for punishment must make one neigh invincible, what, can never really loose?

Is that a slice of Stilton that Unkkers's got?
From the aroma I wrongfully presumed it was gorgonzola!
Perhaps the waiter had better wheel him out he's a bit off I think, wot?

Got it all wrong, old dear. I got a fine ripe piece of Stilton, while YOU chaps got a dead body on your hands. *shaking head, mumbling* those colonial fellers!

Unkers? Dead ... no no no no no ... just catching a bit of shut-eye. Dead? Never.

Beg pardon old chap, hasty of me, yes in fact the status of dear old Unkers wasn't quite determined yet, was it, so if somebody cares to motion his furniture status i'm perfectly ready to second it.

*puts on wig*


*gets utterly ratted*


*falls asleep*

Excellent idea. Er, James!
You called, my lady?
Bring me a what you call it, thingmajig with hole in the top, of you know what i mean.

The usual for her ladyship, Mervyn?
Er yes, George, bottle of KnockoutNo 8+1.

Haaaaarrrrrruuuuuummmmmmppppphhhhhh

Bally wimmin in the club.... Whatever next.... We'll have a woman in number 10 and on the throne....

It just isn't on dashitall - and her language is far too fruity for my taste.

I'd rather spend m' days tunneling out of some Kraut run prisoner type establishment, than suffer wimmin in the Ante Room.

Get her orf to the kitchen where she belongs and make sure she uses the side door when she leaves.

*mutters*

Bally tradesman's entrance is all she deserves.



Squabbling Leader Bassman Retired. (Knife Fork Spoon, DFC, NFI and Bar)

Aarv got a better idea, Bassers - give her a few Cardtable cocktails! After four of them her legs'll fold up and we can have her stowed away in the furniture storeroom for later use, eh, wot?

Nobody of the chaps to blame, truth be told, i forced my way in citing the charter of human rights and threatening the taking of unspecified, but forceful, measures.
Now, we all know the first is a bunch of newfangled poppycock. But the second is not, as you will realise without a shade of doubt, when attempting to stand between me and a bottle. You are most welcome to try, sir, provided you're ready to face the consequences.
But in the case of you deciding to opt for a less turbulent scenario, what's yours?

The newfangled custom of downing cocktails in a reckless manner is responsible for many ruined complexions and reputations. I'll take my whisky neat, with just one drop of water...steady, fellow, don't drown it, you're not watering your roses y'know...thank you.

Come to think of it, we had some pretty Wrens and Waafs in my day! Had plenty of rub-a-dub in the War Strategy Room and plenty of cleavage to look at when they leaned over to push the little ships and planes and subs around!

Perhaps if they stuck a nice handlebar moustache on their top lip they'd fit in a little easier?

Just as long as I don't have to keep my belt tightened after luncheon, wot!

I say waiter, my glass appears to have sprung a leak - it's empty! Jamaican Rum and a few cubes of ice if you please...just for the tinkling sound, you know!

S'pose you'll be lendin' her your spare clubs next and taking her out for a saunter round the course....

Harrruuummmppphhh



Bassers.

What say we get the old Sopwiths out and tear up the skies a bit, eh?

Right you are chaps, in the meantime i'll vigilate the bar, makin' sure it's still there when ye come back bayin' for a wee one.

Where's that bally lackey?

*wakes up abruptly - shreddies in hand*

*rubs eyes in astonishment*

Good Lord !!! It's a wossname ..... a Chapess ..... here ..... IN THE CLUB

Must have a word with the Membership Secretary.

*remembers he's the Membership Secretary*

Ah!
There's the Shreddies.
Now we can start!

Lor, you chaps are surprisingly easily startled! Who'd have thought that of the tigers of Simla! Gives inspiration for a whole set of novel war strategies, what?
Talking of inspiration...