h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*screws in monocle for a closer look*

Well m'dear you are rather a fine specimen of the other species ..... bagged a few game ones in my time dontcherknow

*Chortles*

Anyway always time to get acquainted in the proper manner in the fullness of time but pressing matters are calling.

Where's me Pup ?

*twirls large RAF mustache*

Tallyho !

Oh, rather. *owlish look*

What-ho Chaps ... spiffing morning for it what, what?

Anyone for croquet?

Actually, just remembered, had to put the kite down on the croquet lawn after taking a bit of flak over Normandy ... wasn't a pretty landing, think I've mucked up the turf twixt hoops 3 and 7 ... still never mind, we can play round the old bird. Ricochet of the fuselage count double ...

Where's that blasted man got to ... a Jeffers, there you are ... Pimms all round chaps?

By Jove Ekkers - that's a trifle devilish of you, what. I do hope you're keeping one step ahead of those bounders on the greens committee! Frightful bores the lot of em.

*remembers he's on the greens committee*

*guffaw*

More fool you, old chap!
*remembers is also on the Greens Committee*

*harrumph*

But enough of that rot. I've got my goggles and flying scarf, just need that lousy fellow Riseley to get me my jacket, what!
Don't think I've seen him since that whole fiasco at Weston-super-Mare...

*twirls mustache and wraps unfeasibly long silk scarf round neck*

Well I'm ready for the off ...... no idea where the bally Kite is but ready to give it my best shot what !

Yes, dash it all!
*grabs own jacket from the peg by the door*

Lazy blighter couldn't even come up from the servants' quarters to the door!

*heads off toward the hangar*

Go for it, chaps, i'll take up defensive position behind the bar then, hold it for you chaps til you come back...if you come back... best to be nearest the bottles and the stilton...

It's not the same without Scotum old boy - service seems to have slipped even further downhill, what ! Must have a word with those lazy devils on the Bar Committee.

*remembers he's on the bar committee*

Look - over there - it's my Kite

*runs over and lovingly strokes a 1916 vintage Sopwith Pup biplane painted British Racing Green*

A lovely gal she is too.

They're easier to ster and far more faithful than the real ones, eh, what! *guffaw*

Say! Where the Dickens has mine got to?

I say, Redders, that's a top notch piece of kit yerv got there, old man ... haven't seen one o' them, oooh, since ... hell fire, marbles are off again, can't remember anything for toffee.

Remind me - what are we doing again?

*distracted making cooing noises and fondly stroking his kite*

...... there there - did Daddy leave you all alone in this cold hanger with only a Spitfire and a Hurry for company .....

A Hurricane?
Who left that there?

Ah! There's the old beauty! How'd she end up parked behind the bally Spitfire?

Sausage Squadron up the blue end chaps ... spark up the ladies and let's give 'em what for ... tally ho ...

What ho squiffy ! Let's get these cabbaage crates into wide blue yonder.

*climbs into the kite*

Did I ever tell you about that bally top-notch prang I had in '44 ? Was engaging a bunch of bananas on the ceiling with the Squadron when Flt Lft Strangley-Brown dropped a tennpenny one in the custard.

Gufffaawwwwww

Would you believe I flipped right over on my Betty Harpers and caught a can in the briny.

But you try to tell kids that these days ......

Chocks away !

*the Pup's engine splutters to life and Redders roars out of the hanger straight into Pollers sports car parked infront of the clubhouse*

I think I've bought it chaps

*Settles down on the terrace with a large Pimms, a G and T, two pints of Tanglefoot, a Magnum of Champagne and a bottle of Port*
Ahhh, marvellous, that ought to last me until they take orf, then I can nip back in for a bit of a warmer.
*Gets out an old telescope and peruses the kites.*

*climbs into the Spitfire*

If the rightful owner of this has the dashed indecency to park in front of a chap's pride and joy, he can jolly well face the consequences...

*staggers in, charred a little at the edges*

What ho, chaps. Smashing morning for a bit of jiggery pokery with jerry. Sadly an excursion over enemy lines last night got me in a spot of bother with that ravishing french teacher in town. Haven't had a wink of sleep - by god she doesn't have go - bangs away like the proverbial thunderbox door in a gale.

The Hurri took a bit of flak though on the way back ... Johnny's up to no good.

Is that kippers for breakfast ... top notch. Give me 20, time for a wash and brush up and a spot of brekker and I'll be with you in a jiffy.

Branston, get the old girl going would you - could probably do with a spot of patching - she's on smashing form today though.

*starts to pull a bumper and bonnet ornament away from the Pup's prop*

Of all the bally luck ....

Confound it! I never did learn to fly one of these things...

*Spitfire bounces across the greens*