h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Indeed on a bit of a Sticky Wicket there.

I always found a good Chinaman helped though

Keeping the little blighters in the laundry was the done thing in my day, what !

*harrumphs*

Well bugger me I'm again !

Now then old chap, I know you were heavily fagged at school but there is no need for that language. I'm hoping there may be ladies present, wot.

Femmes? In the club?

Good lord, man. You'll be inviting tradesmen in next.

*Knocks back a and goes 'Brrrr'.*

Good God Man, you can't let the fairer sex in here. Let one in and they'll all want a snifter.

It'll be Wives and Girlfriends before you know it, then any Tom, Dick and Harry.

It's how the empire fell y'know. Lacks standard and folk who didn't know their Cricket.

Rum idea if you ask me.

Speaking of which what does a chap have to do to get a snootful around here?

Are we in the club again chaps? I thought we were still in Weston Super Mare, or wherever it was we were off on a jape to. Did we come back when I was in mid ?

How am I going to get the Sopwith back now??!!

There's a Chap in Bristol with some top Popsy, or so I hear, who'll fly yer crate back for a spot of how's yer father and a ... friend of the Wing Co's 'parently.

I may have got it wrong of course - it could just be the Wing Co's Chap's popsy has lovely Bristols ... was a tad squiffy at the time ...

What! Ladies join the club? Never, I was mearly hoping we might get some "entertainment" in. This is after all Weston Super Mare. At least, it used to be.
*Has a quick shufty out the window*
Well, its still raining. So could be.

(pots white. Again)

Okay, fellahs, that's me.... must go and get m'skiff ready for this weekends Yacht Club Regatta..

Going for the Thuttlethwaite Pennant again.

3 pints of absinthe, three times around the cove, 3 back to back havanas and a boiled egg.

Nothing to it really. Will you chaps be at the post race festivities?

Yacht Club: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/A836615

I say chaps - you know what they say about those "Gentlemen" who go yachting.... Blooming Matelots the lot of them.... camp as a row of pink tents....

Hurrruuummmppphhhh



Bassers.

With you there Bassers old chap!
And them damn silly keks they insist on wearin`, all baggy and suchforth.
Wouldn`t turn me back on `em, what!! no tellin` where they`ve bin!
Have a good day, Scarab old bean..gettin` `em before you go then ?

...but of course...

(clearly motivated by the desire to entice likely sorts to the Yacht club to save him from the Commodore's wife.....)

Pusser's Rum all round methinks.....

Commodore`s wife eh!
Is she , I mean does she, well you know what a chap`s driving at, what!
Likes the breeze up her spinnakers, does she, would you say?

Precisely. I think she sees my cruiser idling at anchor in her harbour....

Mum's the word though, Old chap. Wouldn't like to embarrass the Commodore.....

Cheerio Raggers, Bassers, Redders and you chaps. Pop by the Yacht club if you get the chance.....

Here's how!

(sinks rum and leaves with the look of a man who has discovered he has reached his credit limit at Fortnum and Masons.....)

Credit limit.... what's that....????



Bassers

Bassers, ol'chap, I do believe that's when some spotty-faced upstart of a sales attendant cuts your plastic card in two using a pair of scissors. Or is that when the bank cuts the sales attendant in half using a plastic card?

Really this CRAFT* disease of mine is getting a bit much! More rum anyone? Wot happpened to the dancing entertainment girls, eh?



(*Can't Remember A F**king Thing)

CRAFT disease? I think I invented that.... There again.... how would I remember if I had - or hadn't??



Bassers

D__n it all to h__l!

Apologies, but I have just heard that there is to be party staged by the fine fellows at 'The Chap' magazine on Thursday 17, and dash it all if I'm not stuck at the country estate that week.

It's to be held at 'The Emporium', 69 Kingly St, W1. Tickets may obtained by having your man call 020-8307-4146.

If haven't already commited yourself to sorting out the bally west wing, that is. D__nation!

I say Scorpers old chap, I don't believe we've met, Bassman's the name - all the others here call me Bassers. Allow me to fetch a glass of yer favourite tipple to moisten a dusty traveller's throat!!



Bassers

Thats a damn fine gesture on your part, Bassers old chap, extendin` the hand of friendship and all that!
Very commendable, what!!
While you`re up, I wouldn`t say no to a top up, seein` as you`re headin` to the bar, and all !