h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I've got a bit of the old blue or brown folding stuff if yer game.



Bassers

Hmmm, not played for a while myself, not sure how well I remember my way round the table. I'd be up for a small wager, just to make it interesting, but nothing too much until I see the way the land lies, wot.

OK Munchers.... just a blue form 500 then for a victory



Bassers

Sounds reasonable. A small snifter to accompany the game?

I've got half a monkey to put on Munchers.

The other half's still caught in the threshing machine. Knew I should never have driven it into the primate enclosure...

Very kind of you. Shall I go spot?

Wot....

Is there a Dog in the room.... Spot??

Erm.... Sorry.... do go ahead old boy



Bassers

Before you kick off old boy I think your balls need a good polish first, what !

What-ho chaps.

F'ightfully important to give ones undercarriage a good buffing before potting ... that's what popsy's always telling me at least. She's a good girl!

Apologies for the lengthy absence. Bally kite got stuck in reverse ... only just coerced her down now.

Chippy chippy

Right O.
*Digs out handkerchief, gives balls a quick wipe over and returns them to the table. Chalks cue, takes careful aim and plays. The spot smashes into the red ball which narowly misses the bottom corner pocket.*
Blast!

I say old sport, dashed bad luck.

Bassers steps up to the table, chalking the tip of his queue furiously. He composes himself like a pro, draws the cue back....

just as he is about to strike, his monacle slips, causing him to mis-cue, which sends the cue ball off the edge of the table at speed, catching Redders square in the family jewels. Redders exhales and slumps to the floor.

Dash it all....



Bassers

*gasps*

... I ... say ... Bassers ... my ... nadgers ... seem ... to ... have ... impeded ... your ... shot ... a ... trifle ...

... sorry ... about ... that ... old ........ boy .......

*passes out*

*Winces* Oh, I say, do you think that should count as a canon shot? No, oh well, my shot I suppose.
*Returns the balls to the table. Lines himself up very carefully, strikes a look of determination and sticks his tongue out. And strikes. The cue flies past the cue ball, just slightly skiffing it on the way past.*
Botheration, my cue must be warped!

A bit like Redders family jewels now....

G'fawwwww G'ffffaaaawwwwww



Bassers

*Thinks of Redders family jewels. Crosses legs. Tries to walk over to the bar for his drink. Falls over.*
Blast!

*sleepy eyed figure enters from dining room, glass of rum in hand*

I say, chaps, anyone seen that lovely filly I went inter dinnah wiff? I must've dropped off during the sweets! I hear she's sporting one of those a bikini things for the compatishin! Cor, I'd luv ter see 'er in that! Lovely girl, she is - lovely eyes...

*wanders off dreamily in search of The Light*

*woozily*

Bassers old boy I do believe one of your balls is lying here on the floor ......... or is it one of mine I wonder ?

*passes out again*

I say, chaps, what's a chap to do when all and sundry appear to have turned dicky-birdie over a friendly game of billiards ... wouldna happened in my day ...

If popsy wanted a play on the balls, popsy got to play on the balls, warped cue or no warped cue ...

*staggers to the bar, muttering something incoherent through a vaguely splendid handlebar moustache*

I say, errrr, you seem the type of chaps who might like to look in at the Yacht club one evening...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/classic/A836615

I messed with some airforce types in East Anglia once. Frightful oiks. Not a tie in sight, Supper at 6 pm, no dogs allowed in the mess and m'pipe set off the smoke alarms.........

The worst thing was, I simply could not tell the difference between the officers and the men. They seemed all to be called Wayne. Their peculiar badges of rank were of no help.....

Sounds like the bally Yanks.

I say chaps, this game of billiards seems to be taking an age, what? Shall we say first to get a point wins?