h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*After the first flurry of punches, BF clicks his fingers and a metal BF replica appears in his place*

*taps Agent on the shoulder*

Er Agent... I'm behind you!

*brings out a bent teaspoon*

Aaargh, no, not the slightly bent teaspoon!

*Agent runs out the building, his screams receding into the distance until silence decends on the temple. The motes of dust float gently in the shimmering beams of sunlight slicing through the wooden walls of the temple, and a peaceful tranquillity engulfs the temple*

*A whistling sound begins to rise, increasing in volume, and Agent flies down through the sunlight in the roof, smashing into BF with the force of a hurricane, flattening him against the ground*

A teaspoon? A slightly bent TEASPOON? Hah, your weapons scare me not.

Oh blast, , ouch!

*a very flat, and squished BF puts his thumb in his mouth, and blows really hard, re-inflating himself*

*the slightly bent teaspoon starts to glow, summoning thousands of other slightly bent teaspoons, which all start digging into Agent*

*after a few seconds, pieces of Agent are strewn around the temple and the undead lemmings are having a feast*

*The real Agent steps out from the shadows*

That simulacra of me is poisonous, you know

*All the lemmings keel over, dying agonisingly*

the lemmings were already dead... Undead Lemmings? You killed them already

*The lemmings scuttle away*

*pulls out a crossbow firing a flaming bolt at agent*

*Catches the flaming bolt, skewers a few undead lemmings and pins them to a beam, incapacitating them*

My poor lemmings,

*runs up some stairs to the first floor of the temple, where several ninja's await Agent*

*Agent senses trouble, and dons his headband and martial artist suit*

Begin...

*three ninja's leap out, one with two swords, and the skill to use them, one with daggers for speed, and one with a slightly bent teaspoon (BF in disguise)*

Good disguise BF - I mean, third ninja *shakes head slightly*

*Watches the ninja with two swords spin and whirr them around flashily, then casually zaps him with a llightning bolt*

*s up to second ninja, easily ducks the daggers (moving in a way that doesn't look as if it follows the laws of gravity) and kicks him five times in one fluid leap, landing with a sheep-like grace*

*Turns to B - the third ninja - and raises his eyes to stare menacingly at him*

*BF watches with despair as his hired ninja's cost 99p and hour to hire, and they did nothing*

*rage displaces the despair, then a sense of calm washes away the rage. Not wanting to be left out envy rears it ugly head*

Hang on! thats Agents ugly head!

*swings the slightly bent teaspoon at Agent*

*Agent ducks in slo mo, as the teaspoon passes a milimetre from his face. Pulling out his godly knitting needles, he advances on BF*

*Seeing the knitting needles, BF steady's himself for Agents attack*

*One of the knitting needles is plunged into BF's eyeball, the other into his godly dangly bits*

Ouch, that's got to hurt

*BF is ready for the attack, expecting it to be below the belt from the dirty fighting Agent and protects his Godly dangly bits with his arm*

My eye , argh!

*BF headbutts Agent, the knitting needle in his eye hitting Agent in his eye, connecting the two. BF removes the knitting needle from his arm and jabs it into Agents ear*

*still connected Agent and Ferret continue to fight*

Aye aye

*Agent removes his eyeball from it's socket, extricating himself from his predicament. He then s himself a new one and commands his old one, currently attached to BF's eye, to explode, covering BF in gobs of eye flesh*

*Covered in eyeball goo, BF removes the knitting needle from his eye and drops it on the floor. Noticing that Agent still has a needle comming out of his ear, BF round-house-kicks it further into Agent head*

*Agent doesn't notice andcontinues chortling at BF*

*throws Agent out of the first floor window*

*Lands on the balls of his feet*

There's something funny in my ear. What's this, a knitting needle?

*Pulls it out, his brain skewered on the end*

Not as big as I thought it would be!

*Eats it*

Mmm, yummy, brain food.

*Dashes back in to show BF what for*