h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

An endless maze, guarded by the Minotaur...

*The Sun God appears at the entrance to the giant Labyrinth...the maze of ancient Greece. Decked out in a long black trenchcoat and dark sunglasses (very un-sun god like), he quickly disappears into the endless tunnels...*

*Caper Plip, strolls nonchalantly past the dismembered and grossly regurgitated limbs, somewhat inappropriately dressed as a 1920's flapper (I said flapper, not any other word).*

*She pulls out a mirror and redos her make-up whilst waiting. Not much has happened, so she gets out a crossword and does that.

*15 across, 7 letters: twiagin (anagram)

*Suddenly, CP is blinded by a terribly bright light in her mirror......*

*the Sun God appears momentarily, then disappears back into the maze*

*Caper Plip sprints after Apollo, accompanied with a vicious strain of silent movie piano-type music. She brandishes a black and white sign which reads:

Aha! I've found you!

Da da dum!

*Apollo, finding the piano, begins removing keys and hurling them at CP*

*oddly, he plucks them off in a way that sounds remotely like "flight of the bumblebee...." *

*Caper Plip, with lightning quick reactions, dives around a corner, gracefully avoiding the piano keys as they bounce off a certain bull-shaped Greek mythological beast's head. She reappears with a violin, and repeatedly whacks Apollo over the head with it whilst simultaneously playing an interesting drum-and-bass version of Vivaldi's Spring.

*Apollo dodges a swing of the violin and grabs the drum, which he firmly plants over and around Caper Plip
then, being a trumpet player at heart, Apollo plays a glass-shattering version of Napoli (which doesn't do Caper Plip's eardrums any good )*

*Caper Plip manages to wriggle out of the split drum, much to Apollo's dismay. She pulls out a tennis racquet and starts playing air guitar, singing terribly out of tune and off-key; this terrible din forces Apollo to chew on his trumpet to save his own sanity.*

*She spots the Minotaur about to charge. Carefully, Caper Plip deftly picks up the beast with one hand. She tosses it up in the air, then serves it at Apollo, bowling him over, and turning the Minotaur into a gory splat on the labyrinth wall. Apollo faints from the speck of blood on his toga.*

*Caper Plip carries on playing air guitar and singing badly.*

*Unknown to Caper Plip, Apollo was feigning the faint...while reaching for the Minotaur's horn Apollo jumps up, loads up shards of various weapons, and blows them through the horn at CP. While she is (unsuccessfully) dodging the shrapnel, Apollo sneaks off down a side corridor, into the labyrinth...*

*Slightly startled at the flying shrapnel that she is faced with, Caper Plip swiftly stops playing air guitar with the tennis racquet. She then starts playing magnificent returns and her groundstrokes and volleying are enough to hit the shrapnel away from her.*

*Seeing that Apollo has run away like a COWARD, she thinks for a bit. Caper Plip looks down the corridor and sees the god scuttling away. Pulling out an atomiser of WD-42: Napalm, she lights it and throws it down the labyrinth corridor.*



*The corridor is on fire, and Apollo's clothes have been burnt off by the effects of the Ultimate Answer, leaving the Sun God in nothing but his birthday suit.*

*Caper Plip then strolls nonchalantly down another corridor, strumming terpischorian delights on her racquet.*

*Apollo, using the Labyrinth to his advantage, comes out unexpectedly from a corner in front of Caper Plip*

You honestly thought you could harm the Sun God with Fire?! Hardly...
I just went to get a little surprise for you, knowing how you LOVE tennis

*To her horror, CP sees that Apollo had taken the turn through the Labyrinth and stopped by Russia*

I introduce you to the Greatest women's tennis player of All Time...
Anna Kournikova!!

*Caper Plip crosses her arms and sighs. She points out five small yet fundamental facts about Ms. Kournikova:

1. Anna Kournikova has not won a major Championship ever.
2. Anna Kournikova is permamently injured.
3. There's no point in bringing your dream girls along if they can't play tennis.
4. Anna Kournikova is *married* to a Russian ice-hockey player.
5. Anna Kournikova now focusses on her modelling career and has all but given up tennis.

*At this moment, Anna Kournikova duly nods, walks back to Apollo, trips over a stone and acquires a small fracture in her ankle which yet again means that she has to miss yet another Grand Slam tournament.*

*The fact that Apollo has stopped by Russia gives Caper Plip an idea. She pulls out her mobile phone and magically summons Marat Safin from her Keepage who appears by her side.*

*You want tennis? I'll give you tennis!*





BTW you're still butt-naked.

*Saturn Girl appears on top of a near by wall, armed with a camera, a bag of popcorn, and a big water bottle of pepsi. She starts snapping bribe pictures of the Golden Thighed wonder, intending to do some graphic work with them later, possibly eventually making a cross dressing computer version of a paper doll out of the images. After getting a few dozen shots, and probably enough to get at least one good enough for the project, The Bombshell Goddess settles herself comfortably to watch the rest of the battle, knowing Mr. Egotisitcal will get his bronzed butt whipped again. She then pulls out a nice little sign that says "Come on Caper Plip, kick Golden Thigh's Bronzed Butt!". She also sends out nice little invitations to MoG, agcB, and other people who might be interested in watching the Sun God get his butt kicked in the nude *

Your's Truely,
The Bombshell Goddess

[Minotaur]
Ouch!

*slopes off*

[passing Archangel]

*flies down to check her eyes are telling her the truth*
That can't be Apollo in the altogether!

*takes out video camera from hidden compartment in angelgown and begins filming the action*

The sun really DOES shine out of his a**e!

(Can I have the black leather trenchcoat, please?)

***B

*WD notices a tennis match of great importance taking place and duly sits down with pen, notepad and a good bowl of ; scribbling furiously, she wonders if this is yet another classic match *

Nice day for it, isn't it?

*thinks that although the Sun God is indeed, very bronzed, Mr. Safin is much better looking*

*POOF*
*MoG appears, her hair still a mess and no lipstick on becuse she dashed over without even having had her morning .*

*settles in with the other onlookers, and because she's a mite wicked before said , she reaches into her magic bag and starts tossing into the match

hehe...female tennis fans always get riled up over Anna...

Thanks MoG!! I'm not much of tennis player, but pinball is a different story...

*starts angling dozens of off the walls of the labyrinth, and with perfect precision, they all collide with Marat at once from all directions. He soon joins the Minotaur Caper Plip opens her mouth to say something, but a stray lodges it shut*