h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cthulhu was the original target, but there are just so many other choices...

*begins stomping on the insolent newbs' testicles with her shiny stilleto heels, two weeks late*

*cringes*

Ooooooo. Sympathy pains. But don't worry. A syringe full of morphine helps the testes stomping go down. Until it wears off anyway.

*Offers morphine*

Who's testicles are you stomping on? They aren't mine, are they?

If you have to ask...yes. Yes, probably.

*Offers Phaid a tourniquet*

Tie this around the affected area. The affected area should go black within a few days. Come see me then. I may have a job for you guarding my harem. I won't lie - there will be cuts involved.

*In an amazing show of good sportsmanship, Phaid grabs Legions tourniquet and ties it securely around Legions neck, then stands back to see if it will, in fact, turn black.

*Turning to Jadeelf and drawing his favorite pistol, he prepares to exact some pretty sweet revenge*

"That was very uncalled for."

*me sighs and pre-orders another replacement body for Phaid*

Get 2 EC, I see this turning bad rather severely.

Roger wilco, Mr. Roboto. Err... galigan rather.

*Looks around and gradually realizes that he may, in fact, have over-reacted. Holsters pistol.*


"Fine, fine. Can we at least get on to killing SOMETHING? Please?"

*sharp intake of breath through his teeth*

You *really* shouldn't have said that. I'm actually rather curious to see what happens when Jade gets back.

*Jade blinks at the insolent child in front of her, and arches an eyebrow*

I am so glad that you have come to your senses.

*she walks toward Phaid, making certain that her heels click severely on the floor. She brings her face extremely close to his, almost, but not quite, touching her lips to his (lips). At this point her voice is only slightly above a sultry whisper.*

I do hope that you shall not repeat your actions. I have a tendency to be extremely intolerant of children who are naughty.

*All during this display of near softcore p*rn, Jade's right hand is inching toward the back of Phaid's soft, ivory neck. She touches an exquisitely manicured finger to it, and digs in ever so slightly, but not breaking the skin.*

Incidentally, my fingernails have been lacquered with five different kinds of poison, and I cannot remember which one in particular is on my index finger.

*She grabs him firmly by the collar with her left hand and thrusts him away, turning her back to him in a swirl of skirts and awesome*

Do be good now, won't you?

*Jade winks at Legion, who is mopping his forehead with a monogrammed handkerchief. (The initials on the handkerchief are decidedly not his.)

Occasionally it becomes apparent to me that I STILL GOT IT.

Hominahominahmina...

*Foot stamps spasmodically. Runs finger around collar. Realises he still has the tourniquet tight around his neck, and that his face has gone a strange shade of purple*

I'll be...in my room...doing a...Michael Hutchence...

*Staggers off, hunched over and rubbing his thighs. Collapses in the doorway. Twitches*

*Jade rolls her eyes toward the ceiling and sighs as she perches on the edge of a table*

Someone do be a dear and get a butler to clean Legion up. I would use my smelling salts or kick him in the stomach, only I can't be bothered.

I only ignore you in the interest of making you stronger, my love.

I'll help

*kicks Legion in the stomach*

OY! Breath you smeghead!

*snaps fingers and a butler appears mystically by his right ear*

Do as the lady says.

*the butler obliges and helps Legion up, through the door and into his private chambers.*

A toast I feel, not to anything in particular, though thirst seems a worthy option, but more in the sense of 'just because'.

*A butler brings him a tray on which is a glass with a little umbrella in it. Galigan removes the umbrella carelessly and tosses it away, ignoring the small tear in the eye of the butler (I can't help destroying his pathetic dreams of creativity and acceptance now can I?), and necks the drink in one.*

Ah, much better.

And Jade, you *certainly* still got it!

*Stares at Jade with a combination of lust and irritation, and pulls pistol. Aiming carefully, Phaid shoots himself in the foot, cleanly taking off his small tow. Breathing in deeply the smell of burned gunpowder, he feels calmer."

"That's much better. Anybody got a towel I can borrow? On second thought, forget it, it'll probably be poisoned, anyway. I'll use my own." *pulls a small rag from satchel, and a large bottle. Phaid pours a bit on his self-inflicted wound, then takes a long pull.*

*The butler who was helping Legion back to his private chambers bursts through the door weeping, and runs to a small group of fellow butlers. They huddle around him, concerned*

Butler #1: He...he called me JJ...and he wouldn't...he wouldn't...

Butler #2: Oh drat, he's bad this time.

*Butler #2 runs to JJ and bows deeply*

Butler #2: Ma'am, the master wishes to see you in his chambers. If I may be so bold - please hurry. I realise we are naught but vat-grown wretches fit only for vicious sport and murder, but if the master continues to commit outrages upon the domestic staff there will be none of us left for Master Hallainzil to maim. Now I...I shall just see if they need any help in the kitchens...

*Butler #2 backs away hastily, bowing and scraping, fantastically happy to have survived the encounter*

Butler #2: That's one for the blog, to be sure...

*Jade stands and walks over to a window. After a seconds fiddling and a flash of pink skin she produces a small silver case from a leg holster. She opens it and takes out a long and very thin cigar, which has been tastefully pre-trimmed. She sighs, and a small spark ignites at the end. She takes a long drag and rolls her neck around, making certain all her vertebra crack along the way, and exhales. The smoke has a slight blue tinge, and smells of lavender. She puts the cigar out in her palm, seemingly as an afterthought, and rests it on the windowsill. Her heels click as she walks toward the door leading to Legion's chambers.*

*One door slams, and then another*

*someone, and not Jade, screams like a little girl*

...run! ...only make me more excited when you run...!

mmmbl....e mmbl ...mffoo!

...ve you permission to speak?

*a cracking noise is audible*

mmmf! mfft mm... mmmmmmmmMMmmmh!

...tend you don't like it. We both know yo- Oh!

*the sound of cloth being torn rather violently* Sod it! ...can't control... ...those things.

*this time Jade screams, and a few minutes pass. Screams are intermixed with frightening giggles and punctuated with inexplicable banging*

...but then... serve at the ice cream social?

...eh heh... right?

...since... put it that way...

*A bell chimes, and several butlers jump up to answer the call. They go out the door leading to Legion's chambers. One door slams, and then another. Then, silence.*