h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*the ceiling-mounted gun suddenly comes to life, aims at Suicide Man, beeps threateningly, and fires until Suicide Man's body is cold. The panel on the floor gives way into a shaft into the garbage disposal, and Suicide Man's corpse is soon ejected into space, where the outer defenses vaporize it*

Yay! At last! I thought these security systems would never do anything.

Well, for the money I paid, this thing *BETTER* have a good security system.

*NYC is notified that heroes have compromised the outer defenses and are inside the ship. he straps his howitzer on his shoulder, sets the security system to destroy anybody and anything not looking like him, pulls out an M60 from his coat, and prowls around*

I love this gun.

*NYC's trigger finger gets unusually itchy*
RATATATATATATATATATATATAT...

d**n, I really love this gun.

*A monitor comes on, showing Minos Krylma*

Nice to see you on the watch, NYC. Should the heroes get through the management department, destroy them! Fire at will!

The heroes are already almost past the devious traps that those clones have set. Only Y2K and Y2C stand between the Ion Ventilation System's exit and the heroes now.

*Monitor blinks off*

*NYC, after having acknowledged the message, makes sure that the defenses are in place*

floor, wall, ceiling-mounted machine guns... check.
wall-mounted flamethrowers... check.
motion, temperature, pressure, infra-red sensors... check.
floor, wall, ceiling-mounted land mines... check.
killer robots, diabolical booby-traps... check.
arsenal to destroy DC four times over... (checks inside coat) yep.

hmm... projectile weapons and cramped corridors... this ought to be fun.

*NYC activates all defenses. All hum to life. A horsefly zips down one of the corridors, only to be shot, burnt to a crisp, blown to bits, burnt to dust, blown to smaller particles, and finally vaporized by an alerted killer robot. NYC's grin cannot get any larger*

Ohh great...

well, at least they work....

and awaaay we go!

God I love being a keeper...only a hell of a long way to go...
[via intercom]Hey, you mind shutting these off for a minute?

*A floortile opens up under Yo, and he falls through to the office/armory NYC is positioned in*

Hey, you weren't supposed to live! Ahh, well...

*NYC presses a button on the control pad, and a wall slides off to show on seemlingly endless racks of laser rifles, plasma rifles, plasma cannons, close-range weaponry, and various styles, types and kinds of conventional projectile weaponry and ammunition. NYC picks items as he would in a shopping center as he goes along*

You wanted plasma rifles? I've got some of the lastest models and *erg* the biggest cannons that one can carry, I've got various bombs, the newest of full-armor and armor vests *oof*, chainguns, boobytraps, do-it-yourself explosive kits, handheld nuclear devices, napalm canisters, napalm launchers, bomb-on-a-rope *ungh*, little pocket-sized robots that follow enemies around, cling on to them and blow up, explosive ammo, armor-piercing ammo, loud ammo, ammo that fractures and causes serious back problems in 10-12 years, various knives, forks, and just about anything even remotely lethal in stock...

*NYC returns and drops a huge pile of expensive and cool-looking weaponry and accessories and drops them on the floor with a clatter*

*phew* Glad this all ain't on my salary. The only problem is you have to run the gauntlet again to get out of the security sector...

*Can't remember whether he's alive or dead, and so swallows a live grenade to make sure*

Excellent!

I feel like I'm missing something...



ahh yes, that



this is quite an arsenal you have down here... I'll have to come back for a set of body armour, my Lt. seems to have come only with his light set, you just can't find good help these days....besides, I'm not going to let you have all the fun beating the crap out of the good guys! How close are they anyway?

they're in the management department, surfing through a sea of forms. after that they're here, and the fun begins...

Do ta do...

*NYC shuts off the security system so that Yo can make his way out. As Yo leaves, he is chased by a particularly homocidal-looking killer robot to the exit*

*on the intercom*

[Yo] Hey, I thought you shut all the security features off!

[NYC] oops, must've missed one... heeheehee...

*Yo exits, repairs are made from Yo's first entrance, all security is turned back on, NYC places himself in front of the exit, armed with his favorite weapon: the shoulder-mounted howitzer*

NYC, it *is* tehnically still possible for the heroes to survive your deathtrap, right? Not that I want the heroes to win, I just want to see them die of exhaustion and slowly accumulated wounds right when they get to the QED.....

Oh, whatever. Your way's safer, I guess.

*NYC looks flustered and lowers his howitzer*

Wait, didn't you say bonuses and rewards were given based on how good we managed to defend our respective locations? Or is the general idea to capture the heros for torture instead of killing them outright? It's a classic, I know, but isn't this too important to stroke your ego keeping them (barely) alive so that they might escape and foil our (devious, ingenious, unstoppable) plans?

*no answer*

Can I kill just one? Just one puny little dinky superhero? You know, hang 'em up on a plaque over the fireplace and all that?

*NYC leans on his howitzer, sipping a Dr. Pepper, waiting for a responce*

like.... uncle heavy. yeah, we can kill uncle heavy. no big deal...

*The main door to the security center is opened. Affy is looking over his shoulder, grinning about something. Then he sees the Gauntlet between himself and the exit*

Uh, guys? You're wearin' body armor, right? Maybe we should send Suicide Man through first....

*Affy's sword begins glowing brighter than it has for the entire mission*

* the penguin pokes his head around Affy to have a look. He takes out an empty bag which formerly held dried fish, and throws it down the corridor, whereupon it is quickly and totally obliterated. The penguin thinks for a moment before speaking *

[Penguin] Feel like a run? My last Slo-Time grenade, coupled with sharp reflexes and a knack for dodging slow-moving bullets, whould get me and someone else through if we do it quickly. Or are you determined that we should all go through at once, by the same method?