h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

An eco-pub ! WOW ,I'm so impressed now Phero,I'm almost speechless ( now thats rare ) I just think you have one or two facts confused here ..the acid rain ,we save to make the moonshine ,I mean ale ..we KNIT the thatch,we recycle all pipes and wires and other things lying around *Pinky glances at the stool where Phero is sitting ,thinking ..fire) The fat from the chip pan ,we can make candles ..well you can,I'll be too busy knitting ,and I have to say I have a huge allergy to anything fatty ....this could take off HUGE ...ok ,where do we start ? You point the way,I'll follow

* Pinky skips across the floor ,pats Snughound on the head ,smiles ,again at Phero*

Nice to see you so Perky, Pinky. (I apologise that it took so long to get that out of the way.)

Now then, about all this eco-nonsense - sorry, I mean this great plan to save the world, starting in our humble establishment - I have what is I believe is technically called a cunning plan. I have learned that eco-stuff is jolly expensive. There are solar panels to be bought and holes to be dug. There are conservation laws to be overcome, which means expensive lawyer chappies etc etc. What we need is dosh. Barrow-loads of dosh. I therefore propose to con - sorry, I mean gently persuade of the great investment potential - denizens of this place into giving us all their h2g2dosh.

The question is how! I shall have to do even more thinking.

**Mops brow with scarlet silky handkerchief**

I don't suppose there is the slightest chance of any sort of snifter? I mean, I don't want to suggest any sort of dependence, but I've been here a while now.

OK, Pinky, the scam is in place, the punters will be along soon. Get your upturned homburg ready. We're going to be rich!

Phero ,what can I say ? How can I relate to you my complete feelings of utter happiness ? NOTHING is more pleasing to me than a'cunning plan',ok business venture ...I am SO thrilled..what is it ? How do we get their dosh ,I mean how do we get them to invest in this wonderful business plan ? I am willing to do anything (within reason of course ) to assist ..I have costumes (of disguise) and if I don't have to talk with my girly voice,sort of do sign language,I could be your side kick..I mean business partner ( you know how they hate girls,and think we don't know anything ?) The schemes are running around in my head now ..bring it on..lets get this show on the road ..lets get started ...a drink ? You want a drink ? NOW,noooo,you need a clear head now ..but,I might buy you a half bottle of wine once the deals settled ..see how generous I am with you ?

***overwhelmed and energised by rather lovely junior assistant's enthusiasm***

The deed is done. The posting made. Unfortunately have no idea how to guide you from here to there. Its in "Ask the h2g2 community" BUT, um, but... I seeeem to have given the game away already. Possibly. Well, someone made me cross. And I get agitated. Have a look. See if you can retrieve the situation. I rely, as ever, on your invigorating and youthful je ne sais quoi.

( This could be love Phero,I can't remember the last time someone called me youthful..invigorating ,yes ,or did they say aggravating ? Anyway ...I feel happy,thankyou )

Hmmmmmm ??? You ? Got cross ? I am perplexed,overwhelmed,stunned even ,who could possibly have 'ruffled your feathers',made you angry ?..I have to meet this person ..I mean,we've been talking awhile now,not once have you gotten angry with me ..I must be losing my touch ..lead me to this person,indicate the way ..this could mean war ! You cross and agitated,I have to witness this for myself ..sorry ,but I don't believe you ! Are you trying to tell me we are back to the drawing board ? Have we been rumbled ? Sussed ? DO NOT PANIC ! Where there's a will,there's away ..all we have to do is find it ok ? Put the anger behind you,leave the agitation on the doorstep ( not ours,someone elses ok ?) Lets get our heads together ,we can think of a way ...I think !

*stirs slightly in a dark corner*

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Save the planet, eh? *digs in pockets and pulls out a few pieces of crumpled paper*

I still seem to have some Moxons left from the first ever London meet I attended, I'd like to donate them for the good cause...

*dozes off again*

See Phero ,there ARE good kind ,understanding people in the world....we need Moxons Phero ,not too sure if we're happy about people snoring in the corner of the Snug,making funny breathing sounds ..but Moxons ,we need !

***Whispering.***

Pinky! Do you not realise what a coup this is? We are on the way. This is the great, wonderful and truly beautiful (in her own way) Titania. The great mover and shaker, the Mandy of h2g2. If we can get her on our side, moxons will flow. (The snore needs a little tuning, I admit) Oh, and thanks for all the flattery. It goes down well.

***Out Loud***

Titania, you old rogue and vagabond, welcome indeed. You have read of our plan to make you even richer still. Wake up, smell the coffee, sign the cheque.

Phero,I had no idea ,none at all ..you mean we HAVE been recognised by the rich and famous ? This time next year,we could be millionaires ?...Ok,let me handle this ,I can be sweet (if you tell one person,I may have to kill you ok ) *Pinky takes her hands off her ears,glances over to Titania,thinks a pot of freshly ground coffee could be the answer ,Phero knows about these things*

*Calls gently* Titania,TITANIA ....let me get you a cushion,you look uncomfortable there

*Searches wildy for a cushion ,not one anywhere ,takes off her long ,hand knitted scarf,places it under Titanias head.* There

Well... we may recognise the rich and famous, but, whether or not they recognise us....

I am not sure she/they is/are comfortable enough. Would you like to take off your pashmina and warm her/them up a bit?

My pure new wool pashmina Phero ? Specially imported from Italy ? The one I waited TWO whole weeks to take delivery of ? Do I have to ?

So,we need recognition ..we need to be seen out and about promoting business,stirring up interest ....we need posters,big ones ! I can paint ,if we had paint ,a brush or two ,a clean space where I could become inspired to make these posters ! *Looks towards the fireplace ,sees Snughound sleeping ,not making as loud snoring noises as she/them in the corner ,but nevertheless,the noise is horrendous in here *



How can I do any promotion work around here with this noise going on ?

**disconsolate at failure of ruse to part pinky from clothes**

Twas ever thus Pinks. The snug is THE place for snoring, farting, and belching.

As you see **draws yellow silk kerchief from ear** I came prepared.

Pinky, I have to say that our little scheme seems to have failed. I see no punters. My morale, I fear, needs boosting.

Would you care to repair to the terrace perhaps?? Fresh air has some merits.

Or a dance, perchance. What say you? We could find a ballroom somewhere.

Phero ,please ..we have come so far ,I am completely flabbergasted at the interest our plan-et saving scheme has caused on the other thread ...infact ,I'm bowled over ,totally ,by the sheer influx of people wanting to 'sort of ' help us out.I realise of course,I was almost imprisoned ,cast out to Scotland,was reduced to almost seducing another ,just to find out where those hidden tunnels can be (I'm not letting that one go ,we need this information ) BUT,you do have a valid point ...we could both do with 'time out ' here ..it's all too much ( not to mention the noise in here,there's no escape anywhere is there ?) You want fresh air ,a dance on the terrace,if it wasn't so dangerous and we both would end up crippled ,for a very long time .....We need some form of pure relaxation...lets make some bread ....nothing like kneading dough ..don't look so shocked ,you'll be surprised ,very surprised. Lets head to the Snugmobile ,retail therapy ,for yeast and flour ....I see a light at the end of our tunnel ...smile ,you look cute when you smile ...smiles

**Struggling to come to terms with concept of being in two places at once**

You are right, of course. It's just that I get depressed too quickly. I fear, however, that "the other thread" is about to go serious and may well end up saving the world instead of mending the roof. No sense of priority.

You know, in spite of all the noise, and the smells, and the sense of danger, I quite like it here. It appeals to the reprobate within. I just wish the floor wasn't so sticky. And the bar. And the snughound.

But I would really really like a drink.

PHEW ,it's all too much Phero,my tiny brain cannot take on the problems of the world ..and now your telling me the floor isn't to your liking,and the bar ,I never noticed it was that bad ,but of course ,your right ...as for Snughound ,well what can I say ? I know he's a bit smelly,and is possibly stuck to the floor...and ,on top of all of our problems ,you really,REALLY want a drink ....moonshine ...it's the only way...we'll start tomorrow....if you want a drink,then a drink you shall have *Pinky runs as fast as she can to ask the baker up the road if he knows what kind of apparatus is needed to make moonshine ...he MUST have yeast ,she thinks *

We're definitely on the rise, P. we're definitely going to get the dough!

Do you really think so Phero ? I'm feeling very doubtful about this at the moment ..I went to the bakers ,seems he's gone ,left...vanished ..boards up at the bakery ,everything ...if I could sit down on this floor and weep,I would ...we both know thats just silly,I'd never get up again ,this floor is too sticky.

Why, Pinks old bean, don't take it to heart so. A bun is just a bun. We can live without bread. And cakes. And crumpets... I'm beginning to see what you mean.

***Sighs***

Perhaps if you were to lay your pashmina on the floor we could both sit down and be miserable... together.

*happily snoring away in a dark corner, yet again oblivious to anything happening in the Snug*