h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Is it safe to open the door? I could offer you a hand.
Sounds like I'd better get you another (recovery) drink.
I'll have a large whisky while I'm at it.
Yes - black purse - certainly not very thick now.

Oh NO !!! It's not my purse Kes,mine is brown,well, a sort of dark tan,quite new,a lucky coin in there,somewhere ! BUT,I'll have that drink anyway..where would I be without you eh ?

Well, you'd be stuck in the cellar, for one thing. The doornkob fell off the inside of the door ages ago. Have the fumes dispersed? Your drinks are ready ... opening the door now.

Are you wearing a gas mask Kes ? I would if I were you ,it's a bit ,well,ermmm,lets say......cloudy down here ..ok,I'm ready after 3 ok ? 1........2.........hang on ,not yet,my high heel is caught in something ..why oh why do I wear shoes like this ,trying to look smart ,then something like this happens.....

No, I've always looked like this.
Pardon?
Was that "after 2" or "on 3"?

*Click*

*HEAVE*

*Fall over backwards beneath detached door (due to dodgy hinges)*

Well fancy seeing you here Kes ? And I can actually see you ,the fumes seem to be clearing ...Oh,right ,escaping then ....Ok,ok ,enough of this lying around the cellar floor,if you get up first,I'll beable to move ! I think !

Sorry about that.
*Carefully places drink on bottom step*
Good reactions eh? Didn't spill a drop. Now getting up.
Oops. Sorry pardon. Was that you?
*Pause*
If that is you, then what's moving around behind the barrels?
I suggest we stage a quiet, dignified but rapid strategic withdrawal.
*Stands up. Picks up door with both hands. Puts it down again.*
Sorry - how impolite of me. Can you stand up? That's good.
*Picks up drink with one hand*
When you're up, you can carry the door.

Do you know something Kes ? Your far too good to me ! I blush with your concern for me,I really do ..*Pinky STRUGGLES,to find the door,drags it to the stairs,stops for air.Notices a movement coming from the barrel area* Do we need this door Kes ? I mean,do we need it right now ? ............*She crawls up the stairs,(fairly quickly,considering),so she can hear Kes's reply, clearly*

Pardon? Hurry up with that door. That door is the thing that keeps whatever's in the cellar in the cellar, and I would prefer that whatever's in the cellar stays in the cellar.
Apart from the beer coming up through the pipes, of course.

Great. You wedge the door in place, and I'll push the bookcase in front of it.

Careful now Kes,I don't want you pulling a muscle or anything ,heaven forbid ! I mean ,I'll be the one having to feed you and think of how bad my muscles are going to ache just giving you drinks ? Steady now ...to me ,to me,ok,ok,to you...slowly,gently...I've never noticed actual books in this bookcase before have you ? Right,I see the beads of sweat on your brow,sit down,chill,relax .....a brandy perhaps ? Or two ?

Phew!

*Collapses exhaustedly into armchair*

That should keep 'em out! Yes please ... and yes.
That is - yes to a brandy, and yes to two more brandies.
Do have one yourself while you're getting them.

True. Never noticed books. Don't know a lot about books. I read one once.

Noddy Goes To Toytown ? That was the book you read wasn't it ? Just a wild guess.......See,I'm getting to know you now Kes....OooooOOooo I'm allowed a brandy aswell ? Who's paying ????

These brandies count as medicinal, I think. Compensation for the stress induced by whatever is in the cellar. I have left a message in the till to that effect. The response by management has been surprisingly generous.

*Puts bottle of brandy down beside the glasses.*
Cheers!

You mean there is management actually here,somewhere Kes ? I wonder if that's whats in the cellar then ? Shall we investigate further ? I'll follow you .....one more medicinal brandy for the road,I mean the door ?

Perhaps it's gone away?

*Collects an old from the bar, approaches the bookshelf and throws the pie through the gap where the door no longer fits properly.*
*Waits*
*Growling and gnashing sounds emanate from the cellar; the bookcase shakes.*

Let's not be hasty. Perhaps another each first?

Your dead right Kes,fools rush in where angels fear to tread...My halo needs a good polishing anyway..lets think about this ,seriously ok ? Here,enjoy your drink *Pinky thinks,this might be the last for quite awhile ,after Kes ventures down that cellar,alone* Hungry Kes? Would like a sandwich ?

Sarnie? Rather!
How about Parma ham, capers, a layer of Brie, sun-dried tomato, grilled chicken, salt beef & mayo on granary, lightly pan-fried?

*Stares at the kitchen shelf*

On the other hand, processed cheese on plastic white would be OK. With a packet of armadillo and melon flavoured crisps.

Very kind of you. I'll just work on a long-term strategic cellar policy. Bit early for plans, I think.

(Lapis saunters in and notices the now slightly open cellar door, Kes in the armchair snoozing and Pinky chomping on a sarnie.)

Good day each!

That smell's gone at last. What was down there? Was it weird?

(faint rustling sound is heard from the cellar's direction)

What on earth do you think that is?

Hmmmpph?
*Stirs into wakefulness*
Ah yes, that. Jolly exciting. You have arrived at a most opportune moment. Pinky and I have already been down into the cellar, and have glimpsed ... well, potentially glimpsed ... things of importance and fascination. We were just preparing to take another look, but since you have arrived, it would be selfish of us to keep all this four ourselves. I am sure I speak for Pinky when I say that we will nobly offer you the chance to be the next person to go into the cellar and report on what they find.

I will get the celebratory drinks ready. Perhaps I should take care of your wallet until you return?

OK

(Lapis slowly descends the steps into the cellar)

the green mist has disappeared.

There's the usual dust and cool damp down here. If I lift this candle just a little higher..............what's that on the shelf? MMMmmm, let me look a little closer.........Why, it's a smallish barrel, maybe 2 or 3 gallons capacity...let me brush the dust off......there's an inscription........"Monk's Habit XXXXX Winter Ale 1903" Wow Is this really a barrel of old strong ale? I wonder what it could possibly taste like, vinegar or sherry?

(The faint scratching sound is heard again from the other side of the cellar) Rats perhaps?

Let me backtrack to the foot of the steps, "Pinky, Kes! Come down here and take a gander at this!"