h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Eyes brightening*
A car boot sale! Raise money by selling off the old junk in the cupboard, under the bar, and elsewhere. Brilliant! We could hold it in the car park. Invite outsiders - charge each car for admission. We could be in funds for weeks!

Oh, and thank you Pinky - for the drink. Mine's the usual.

*Produces sagging leather item from back pocket. Said item unravels like a sad concertina.*

See! It isn't a wallet as such. It's for holding important documents like ration cards, petrol vouchers and so on. Hasn't been much call for it recently. I could put it into the sale!

Did someone mention a Cornish pasty? Don't mind if I do.

There there Kes. See there is a silver lining. Now pull up a comfy chair next to the bay window and while you're enjoying the pasty and drink, try to think of any other 'valuables' besides your leather 'things' we may be able to get rid of from the snug. We all know a good clearout and belated spring clean (listening Saph?) is way overdue.

*Glug. Chomp.*
(Thinks:
The old Christmas tree lights
All the cleaning stuff in the cupboard
Promotional ashtrays
Scarcely-used beermats
Framed photograph of Stanley Baldwin
The possibilities!)

And what's this? A book of Green Shield Stamps!

Does this qualify for an antiques sale?

Green Shield Stamps ,WOW,a spring clean ? We'll beable to have an extension if we get them into the right auction...they're not going in the car boot sale lapi....we're moving upmarket..Sotherbys or nothing !!! And what with that leather thing Kes has (ok,he calls it his wallet ,BLESS) It must be worth a fortune and in perfect condition ,never been used ! We're gonna be in the money....Drink up,another round on me......slowly,slowly Kes,you know how you go that delicate shade of blue when you drink too fast,don't you ?

Marvellous.
Thank you, Pinky. Don't mind if I do. The usual please.
I promise I'll drink the next round more slowly.
Especially if there's more of it - it will take longer that way.
Are you going to 'phone the auctioneers?

Hadn't you better check on their commission first? Might be cheaper to put Kes in charge. 'Might' I said.
And what about the dominos? With the profits we could buy a complete set.
D'you think we need some new chairs? And a karaoke machine? And a juke box? And...(stops to remove moth-eaten cushion from between teeth)

Dig

*Slumps back into armchair, exhausted by the force expended in throwing a cushion.*

And who's going to sweep up the feathers, mend the cover, restuff....? yes, I accept your apology, let's have another one.

of course, not cushion. (Sulks in corner, not finding smiley for <cushion&gt

Who's killed a chicken ? Feathers,everywhere *Pinky brushes feathers from here face as she trips over Kes's feet* No one tells me anything around here ! When are we having the b-b-q then ? ......Right,I'll phone the auctioneers then shall I ? Has anyone got any pennies please ?

*Awakens briefly*
Huh? Drinks? Don't mind if I do. Usual Please.
Pennies? Sorry. No change. Hitting the phone box sharply on the bottom corner usually works.
That tip must be worth another drink.
*Drifts off into slumber, dreaming of a RL 2-week trip to Australia.*

There's a very strange pong coming from the cellar trap door. Which barrels were last to be rolled down there? Was it the Frog's Triple X or that strong ale Monk's Habit?

(Shuffles over to the doors in the floor to the left of the dartboard.)

Well I never! There's a green mist coming through where the doors don't quite meet.

over to the chair near the window with a &

Meanwhile, 5 days later.


Well, the green mist's gone, but so have all the customers.

What's happened?

*Awakening*
Huh? What? Customers gone? Nonsense. I'm still here. Your round isn't it? Mine's a pint.

Ok Kes,

I didn't notice you there under the aspidistra in the corner.

So a for you and I'll get meself a .

Anyone else about?

Still haven't summoned up enough courage to check the cellar and that green mist.

Pinky is around somewhere. She is usually here, talking about cleaning and tidying. As she appears not be to here, she is probably doing some cleaning and tidying somewhere. Green mist from the cellar you say? Perhaps it's a cleaning and tidying by-product?

*Knocks on the cellar door*

Is that you, Pinky?

Haven't you got this place cleaned up yet? No wonder there are no customers. You can't count yourself, Kes.

Thinks, with difficulty.

I know. Let's abandon customers and keep it all just for US. No need to be polite, then.

Oh.

Thinks again. Still more difficulty.

But we're not, are we.

Flicks duster languidly.

Dig.

*Pinky coughs and splutters,and calls* Hello,what ? Is that you shouting Kes ? Stand away from the cellar door....don't breath !!! I've found something here ,liquid...mixed with a drop of bleach,it's like bonfire night down here ..I think I've discovered something ? Like gunpowder,but without the gun and the powder....the fumes are just a little toxic thats all...I'll keep on experimenting ....Mines a Double Brandy with a splash ,YES,a splash of lemonade..thankyou

Be careful down there! Shouldn't you have a face mask or something? Yes - I will keep well back from the door - as I do for all cleaning-related activities. Shall I pass the drink through the door, or are you coming up for air?

Double brandy with the lemonade bottle wafted across the glass for you ... and another for me. Jolly thoughtful of you to have left your purse on the bar. Cheers!

I'll try Kes,I'll try to make it up the stairs...it's a bit slippy down here ....foam,or something ? Is it a black purse ? Not very thick ?