h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Kes peers over the bar, into the kitchen*
No, can't see Pinky in there. She must be taking a break. I'm starving. May have to do something myself.
*Walks up to the bar, and sees Pinky.*
Come on, old thing. Don't go sitting down on the job. Sandwiches'll never get made at this rate. You look a bit pale. Let me fix you a quick snifter. Brandy alright? Up you get. Don't worry too much about these vegetable things - just focus on the bread and the meat. Keep it simple - but substantial. Feeling OK? What? Trying to say something?

Kes administers a medicinal sip of Brandy Vitae to Pinky's lips. A slight movement of her eyelids tells us that she's coming round.

Lapis meanwhile saunters over to the abandoned sandwich area and starts constructing hearty doorstoppers.

"Spam, corned beef, pork & stuffing or tuna?"

Hmm.

Make that Spam, corned beef, pork, stuffing AND tuna. A bit of onion would set it off nicely.

*knocks*
*steps inside*
*waits a moment for eyes to adjust*
wanders over and sits at the bar next to Kes*

Hi.

Hi Zax. Haven't seen you in here for ... quite a while. How's things? Nothing's changed much in here - thank goodness.

Nothing much ever changes in here. A few of the regulars go missing from time to time, but there are some things one can rely on.

*Tickles the SnugHound behind the ear, evincing a sneeze.*

Sorry old chap. Didn't mean to disturb you.

*Goes behind the bar, and finds a tin of dog food. empties the contents into a nearly-clean soup bowl, which is placed in front of the Hound.*

There you are. That should keep you going for a while. I think I'll get a bit of fresh air.

*Takes his jacket down from the clothes stand. Checks the pockets.*

Well! Bless me! My wallet was in there all the time ... and a pencil.

*Writes a short note and places it on the bar.*

There. That says it all.

*Walks to the door, opens it, and moves through into the world outside. From inside, the SnugHound vaguely notices an outline through the frosted glass. The outline pauses, looks left, then right. The SnugHound dozes off.*

Stranger wanders in.

Takes red handkerchief from breast pocket of very smart navy with a hint of a stripe, wool with a touch of cashmere, suit jacket and dusts down bar stool.

Carefully folds handkerchief and inserts carefully in very smart trouser pocket. Gingerly sits on stool raising rear flap of jacket as he does so, thus avoiding the possibility of any marks on same.

Nods at sleeping snughound.

Adjusts tienot so that it is perfectly aligned between stiffened shirt collar points. Gently folds hands together and places wrists on bar. Thus avoiding contact between stained bar and bejewelled linked cuffs.

Coughs quietly.

Waits

Well what happened in here ? I take a little 'time out',come back and the place has gone to wreck and ruin ....Pinky glances at the skeleton on the chair in the corner ...Kes ? KES ? Is that you ?...Pinky goes to the cupboard to find the duster ( she left there ,hidden ,last year )mutters under her breath ...how do they exist without me around ....

**Coughs loudly (due to dust flying everywhere) shoots cuffs and pretends to be posh.**

Well Hello... Are you the little lady what does? Do you belong to the establishment, as it were. Any chance of a pre-prandial snorter?

fly enters the room and says that lady is not for turning.
no she's here for the cleaning quick get the duster out.

Phero,I am notorius around here ,and I haven't served a drink yet ..Fly ,show me the duster ..now....we could all catch something from the germs in here

* Pinky takes a closer glance at Phero,is most impressed with the woollen,touch of cashmere jacket he is wearing ,infact the red handkerchief is even more impressive*
Your wanting a drink Phero ? We're limited ,you can't get the staff these days ....the red wine still looks red though,if you could kindly try to uncork it ...I'll join you * Pinky searches for the corkscrew ....

Aha.. nothing like a little pinky. And, you, if I may say, are not at all...

**at this point swivels on the previously polished bar stool, spins off and lands in a crumpled heap on the floor. Dignity dashed. Says rude word beginning with F... ***

Yes please.

**Gingerly raises self and resumes bar stool sittng position.**

Fudge ...that stool needs attention..let me find my chisel,or do I need a hammer ? Electric drill perhaps ? If I unscrew the rusty nut thing underneath the thingy..then tighten the whatsamacallit,oil the dooda thingymebob,you might be safe to sit again Phero ..now where was I ? Oh yes ,wine ..corkscrew,then chisel,or whatever *Steps over Phero,is very careful not to stand on his fingers* (See how thoughtful I can be ?)

Kindly desist in playing with your tools young pinky. Concentrate on corkscrews.

**Studies hands with distaste, they having been stuck in the muck beneath the bar.**

It is, I suppose, pointless to ask if the plumbing still works. Hand-washing never really caught on here, did it?

Hmmm ? Plumbing ? Now there's a thing ? If we could find a pipe ,I've got my tools handy ,we could have running water ,eventually ..whisky and water ,iced water with vodka ..ice cubes,with everything ..it could catch on ..we could make money from this ....take your jacket off Phero ( careful where you put it,don't want to be losing that beautiful red handkerchief ) ..you look over there >>>>>>>>>>>>>>I'll look over here <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< if we had a metal detector we'd find one in no time at all,they detect lead ..I think !

Typical,you ask for a little assistance around here ...everyone vanishes ...mmmmm,that looks like a pipe over there >>>..

I am NOT vanished. Just a little thoughtful. Hmm... (Thats me thinking)

I am not sure that's a pipe, young thingummy, it all looks a little fishy to me. Have you not got in your enormous toolbag one of those super flashy x-ray devices that detects pipes and cables?? It may be called a pipe and cable detector. I think. Possibly.

**Resumes thinking**

(Sorry about that Phero,honestly,I have no idea how I made fish ? If you asked me to do them for you now,I wouldn't have a clue.Sorry)


A device ? A pipe and cable detector device ? That finds pipes and cables ? * Searches though her rather flashy pink Gucci toolbag* I haven't got one of those Phero,do you think we really need one ? Won't this spanner thing do the job ? Or whatever it is ? *Passes the hammer ,spanner looking toolything to Phero* smiles

***somewhat unnerved by smiling Pinky***

Now look here, young Pinky, I have been thinking. Do you not think it would be a jolly good idea if we were to get all fashionable and up to date, thus attracting custom and, more importantly, staff - who might serve a chap some drinks from time to time - by becoming an 'eco-pub'. We could knit our own beer and recyle the cycle and all sorts of things. And all the trendy young things, such as your good self, would come flooding back. And then we wouldn't need plumbing at all. We could wash our hands in the acid rainwater dripping off the (partially) thatched roof. We would have to change the name, of course, wouldn't want any real BOF's cluttering up the place. Only smartened up ones like me.

***Mops brow with red kerchief***

I think that tool may be a ratchety de-fibrulating armour piercing tile cutter; no good for plumbing I'm afraid.