h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cheers! *GLUG* Mmmm.
*Surveys now-empty glass.*
We shouldn't need wetsuits. They got a grant to clean the place out, and it's mostly all completed. The seat cushions are still a bit squishy, so perhaps a couple of plastic bags would be advisable. They are celebrating the re-opening with a theme concert which, according to the local paper, will include:
Handel's Water Music
Debussy's La Mer
Britten's Noyye's Fludde
and a guitar performance by David Flood.

Should I start up the SnugMobile, or are there sufficient funds for a taxi?

Pushing the boat out there abit aren't you Kes ? A taxi ? Have you got hidden funds I don't know about ? If you have,whats the taxi firms number ? I'll book it now..if not,where is the polish for the Snugmobile ? It'll need some oil too....do I get to wear my new dress after all ? I'm excited now

*Checks wallet. Thinks.*
*WHOOOOOSH!*
Here's a tin of polish. Shoe polish, but it's nearly the right colour. And a rag.
I'll raid the chip pan for some oil.
Yes, of course you can wear your new dress. Preferably after using the polish, though.

Oh ! Right ! I get to polish the snugmoblie then ? ALL on my own,without any supervision ? Damn !! Just when I get ready,put on my new dress,take my new high heels out of their box for the very first time ever ,actually find my perfume without destroying the entire bedroom ,put make-up on,quite professionally I thought...AND having said I've washed my hair and it looks quite good considering .......I'll get changed then shall I ? Jeans and that old T-shirt eh ? Pass that rag please Kes ....

Ah. Thought you looked a bit different. Didn't like to say. Sorry about that. T-shirt's quite, er, practical - never did understand the slogan though. Anyway, if you're going to all that trouble, I'll tidy up a bit before we go out. I think there's a spare tie in the Gents.
*Potters about behind the bar - main mission the acquisition of second-hand cooking oil, with a sneaky side-trip to the bottle rack.*
Right! Got some fuel. I'll go and fill up the SnugMobile!

Oh don't go to any trouble Kes,heaven forbid ! The cost of hot water these days,a visit to the barbers for a quick trim,aftershave,it all mounts up ! Anyway,I LOVE your patchwork jacket,and with a tie as well,you'll look as good as nearly new ! We are meeting inside aren't we ? .........People from the North East Rule ,the slogan on my T-shirt,what part don't you understand Kes ? .....Oh,you found the rag then ? Thankyou,your a real treasure...to the Snugmobile then >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

*Pinky enters the Snug,in search of jars,empty ones,and anything that looks remotely like a pickled onion.She espies Snughound chewing something* Leave Snuggy,DROP ,good boy...mmmmm,a chewed up golf ball,the size of a pickled onion,this looks hopeful...Ok,a jar,one jar,only one ,there HAS to be one jar here somewhere ? *Pinky thinks hard to herself...how do they make glass ? Sand ,thats it,I need sand.She waves to Kes who is patiently waiting in the rear car park,opens the window and shouts*....Fancy a trip to the seaside Kes ?

Seaside eh? Brass band concert on the pier? Hot dog and candy floss? Donkey rides? Sounds pretty good. We could even bring some souvenire sand back in this ...
*Empties toothpicks out of a glass jam jar that has stood undisturbed on a windowsill for ages.*
Look! The lid still fits!
*Shows jar to Pinky.*
How's the lunch coming along, by the way?

OOooooOOOOOOOooooo a day out at the sea-side Kes,why haven't we thought of this before eh ? Can we afford candy floss ? Can I have a bag of chips,with salt and vinegar ? Can I build sandcastles ? Can I have a kiss-me-quick hat please ? Can we leave as soon as possible ? I need my sun glasses.....Lunch ? OH lunch ,right ..I'd forgotten what with all the excitement and everything ....blue cheese and pickled onions ? Ermmmmm,look,all this over eating is very bad for you.....wait until we get to the seaside right ? You'll be pleased you did,honestly now.

. ... pops head in the door. ... .

hi

is there a ladies room in here anywhere?

. ... .doesn't really have to go but is thinking about the nice young man with the lemon-scented towels. .. . .

Hello fluffy,now we do have a ladies,of sorts...your more than welcome to ermmmm,have a look at it...now as for this man with lemon scented-towels..did you actually see him heading this way ? Have you been drinking at another establishment before you actually stumbled on the Snug ? I mean,I haven't seen a towel here yet,not to mention lemon-scented ones..as for a nice young man ? I am perplexed...Kes,you haven't seen a nice young man loitering around here anywhere have you ?

um

weeeeeell

when i came in through the BOF Inn lobby and spied this room, i stopped to read the Rules of Conduct posted just outside...

"Micturating in the fireplaces is considered unseemly, especially by our female visitors. Toilets are provided, in the sure and certain knowledge that continence may be one of Life's small problems, dished out in unfair proportions to our visitors. The lemon scented towels in the female toilets are handed out by a particularly nice young man."

is one of the rules... but that may have been posted a very long time ago and the particularly nice young man may have moved on?

. ... .waits to see if kes knows anything about this particularly nice young man. .. . .

thanks for trying to help, Pinky... say, just where IS this ladies room?

OK,allow me to give you direction fluffy.....firstly,take this stick....just incase....down this corridor>>>>>>>>>>>>> turn right>>>>>>> do a sharp left<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 3rd door somewhere in the middle OK ? You can't miss it,it's the one you have to push really hard to open .........Now then,it's coming back to me ( I know,I surprise myself with the pure activeness of my brain ) The nice young man,is quite old now,we had to retire him of course....no speed,quite forgetful,giving the gentlemen the lemon-scented towels (you know how men are fluffy ?) Kes is quite good with towels,well paper ones ,no perfume...but he tries

I've just seen a couple of sandy coloured labrador pups running out to the garden with some unwinding toilet rolls.
What's going on!?

I have no idea,this could close us down !

Now they've come back with no trace of the rolls.

Friendly little tings too, (labs suffling around, tails wagging and ears bobbing).

Oh dear, one's just 'watered' the parlor palm in the corner.

Well,thats it,the end is nigh ....(they are cute though) Snughound is going to feel completely outcast....that parlour palm should have been taken to the tip years ago...I keep telling Kes about these little jobs ..........

Nah, don't be so glum........Things will work out fine.

When is the 'name that pizza/other fast food blind tasting' competition?

Is it today or tomorrow?

Are we going to award one or two tins of alcogas to the evntual winner?

I think it is tomorrow..when I find the Snug diary of course ,we'll know for sure .....will the funds run to alcogas for the winner ?

If they don't we could always have a 'sale' of those prints on the wall over the fireplace. You know, those engravings of 19th century pig breeds and that (sure it's a fake)...Whistler's Brother!