h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hungry? Yes, I seem to be developing a bit of an appetite. Nothing like an aperitif or three to get the digestion working. That was another thing Mum used to believe in ... ascribed her longevity and active life to daily applications of alcohol - inside and out. She even claimed it had saved her life - on the occasion when, returning home from the bar, she fell of the back of a Number 42 tram with two bottles of stout stuffed up her jumper. She reckons the bottles broke her fall, though the jumper was never the same afterwards. Are the sausages on the go yet?

A wise woman indeed Bless ! OK,where was I ??? Ermmmmmm,all this talk of life saving bottles of stout has quite thrown me !!! Hunger ,food..yes,it's coming back to me now ....Sausages !!! YEY ! On the go yet ?? Kes,hang on a minute ! Rome wasn't built in day you know ?? *Pinky thinks to herself,how do you work this mincer ?*

*Notices Pinky's puzzled inspection of the mincer*
There's a handle thingy hanging up behind the sink. The handle goes on the back there ... your fingers don't go in the hole in the top, and the mince comes out the little holes in the front. May I suggest pushing a couple of slices of bread through it first? Just in case there is anything interesting inside it. Took a mincer on a camping trip once - down by the river ... frogs and all that ... but I won't go into that now. Wouldn't want to put you off. You just carry on!

*Pinky thinks..CARRY ON ? ANYTHING could be living in this mincer ! She realises she she did say FRESH sausages,but she REALLY didn't expect to be killing the filling as well* ................Hey,I can work a mincer a Kes,I'm not that stupid you know ? *Pinky finds the handle thingmebob thingy and tries to remember where Kes said it should go* Well don't watch me doing it Kes...your making me nervous !!!

Oops! Sorry. Quite right. Mustn't give you the jitters. Need a steady hand to operate that thing.
*Gazes at small puddle on bar top.*
Reminds me of Uncle Bert. He started up a sausage factory just after the war. Nobody ever knew where he got the sausage skins from, but that's beside the point. There was still food rationing in force then, and no regulations about having to label the contents of anything, so his "Prime Porkers" were ever so popular. Somebody accused him of putting sawdust in them to wad them out, but that was just a mistake after the carpenter was working too close to the breadcrumbs. Anyway, he applied for a Government grant, but he still couldn't make both ends meat. Getting on alright over there, are you? Just say if you need a hand, though I would rather keep all my fingers.

I'm doing fine,no worries thankyou Kes *Pinky thinks, thankyou Uncle Bert,thankyou ,thankyou ,thankyou..sawdust ! Why didn't I think of that ?Save all this mincing about and messing around ! Thankyou* I bet your famished Kes ? Won't belong now,6 juicy sausages sizzling in the pan ! (All of a sudden 1 went BANG hahahahha nothing to do with our story of course,but I had to finish the poem hahahahha Sorry about that Kes ,forgive me !)Fancy another drink ?

Yes, seem to be developing quite an appetite, noe that you mention it. Six eh? What are you going to eat? Shouldn't be long now - they're going a nice browny-black colour. Did you put herbs in? Don't mind if I do ... perhaps a dry sherry, in anticipation of the feast. Most kind. You did remember the onions, I trust?

Of course I've done the onions Kes!Me,forget your onions ? I'd rather be shot at dawn without a blindfold !!! *Pinky looks around to see if there IS anything that looks remotely like an onion anywhere! Dehlia Smith doesn't have this much trouble,she thinks to herself!* .......I'm having a snack Kes,smoked salmon,with a squeeze of lemon,a few tiger prawns,for starters,then a home-made pasta with a herby and mozzarella cheese sauce,followed by a fresh cream chocolate mousse..nothing special Kes .......OH NO !!! Your sausages are burning !!! You don't mind burnt sausages do you Kes ? Good for the soul,I think ?

*Peers through the smoke*
They're not badly burned, are they? I don't mind a bit of exterior brown-ness. Perhaps you could scrape them? Like toast - you know. There's a cheese grater in there that you could use. Perhaps I should pass on the onions ... and the sauce ... and the bread - before anything else happens. I'm sure I could find something to wash them down with.

*Pinky TRIES to see Kes through the ever thickening smoke* Ermmm Kes,you wouldn't fancy a takeaway would you by any chance ? I mean,grating sausages ?? Doesn't sound hygenic to me ! I'd LOVE to scrap them,like toast,but look *Pinky does her very best to show Kes her nails,through the now black smoke* I've just had them French Manicured,seems a shame to have them all chipped now ! I'll go for the takaway,you have a drink ,just relax !!

Hmm? A takeaway? I suppose so.
*Mentally recalls the many nationalities of takeaway along the street*
I didn't know there was a takeaway sausage sarnie shop. Wonderful.
*Settles down with another .*
*Addresses the SnugHound*
If you're very good, you might get a bit of sausage-flavoured crust. In the meantime, try one of these - give your gnashers some exercise!
*Throws one of the blackened cylinders towards the SnugHound. It lands on the carpet in front of his nose, and shatters into tiny fragments. (The sausage, that is, not the nose)*
Oh dear!

*Even poor Snughound gets up,and walks away without even sniffing the blackened remains of the so called sausages and he lies under the chair*............. Now where did I put that Yellow Pages ? I'm positive there's a new sausage sarnie takeaway in the High Street Kes ! Sausage Too Go ! Or, Sausage A Go Go.....something like that ? ....OR would like Chinese,Indian or Italian ,for a change Kes ? My treat !

*Wrinkles his brow*
I've never tried Chinese sausages. Do you recommend them?

Ermmm,now it depends Kes ! Can you use chopsticks ?

For a sausage sarnie? I'll try anything once, I suppose ... given that starvation is setting in.

Oooo,your getting a little hungry then Kes.....No problem,if you can pass me the phone,I'll order your take away,I'm good on phones...You'll be fed before you can say ...chop sticks and sausages ! We DO have a phone don't we ? It's a funny looking contraption,probably black in here,with wires.....Hopefully it doesn't need pennies !!!

*Lifts up the large black "candlestick" handset, takes the (separate) mouthpiece off hook, and hands the apparatus to Pinky.*

Just dial the number. No pennies needed. And can I have some muchy peas with the sausages, please.

*Goes to fix some more and *
Where did I put that tab?

*Pinky wonders if mushy peas will be an option on the menu from this takeaway* Thankyou Kes,nice phone,haven't seen one of these ,ever before ! The tab ? ermmmm......Under Snughound ,somewhere ??? Ok,the number ? Have you got the Yellow Pages handy ?

*Produces (from behind the bar) some very yellow(ed) pages. The spine is broken; the cover stained with a multiplicity of formerly-alcoholic residues; the legend "B???han???by Distr??t 1972" can faintly be seen*
That's the latest one. These days I think you have to add "072" or something like that in front of all the numbers in there. Things change so rapidly, I find. The dial isn't all that stiff. I recommend a good tug to get it moving. Oh, and whatever you do, don't lean on the little arm thing that sticks out of the phone. You might have to shout. The wires are a bit worn out. Here. This should help. .
*Pours himself an *
Definitely looking forward to this - should be quite a feast. You did say "soon", didn't you?

Mmmmmmm,did they have takeaways in 1972 then Kes ? Just asking !! Ok,so I put 072 before the number ,try and dial the number,then all I need is your card number to pay for the meal ! Easy peasy this !! Oh ,talking of which,peas !! Can you eat mushy peas with chop sticks Kes ? Your not just a pretty face you are ya ? *Pinky begins thumbing through,as best she can of course,the yellowed pages* Thankyou,a drink for me,your so thoughtful !