h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Pinky ponders,she NEEDS to MOVE Kes.The ladders just will not fit over him AND the chair.She whispers gently into Kes's ear(at first)* Ke-s,Ke-s wake up....Ke-s,KE-S wake UP .....Rains stopped play,rains stopped play.....WAKE UP !!!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHH?
*Leaps from the chair, eyes still unfocussed*
Four leg byes, if ever I saw a bad ball!
*Attempts to give Umpire's signal for four leg byes (raise right leg from floor, wave right arm back and forth at waist level). Falls over.*
It's alright. I'm awake now.
*Removes spotty specs for cleaning.*
Good grief! It's bright in here! What have you been doing?
*Attempts to clean specs in mug of beer*

*Pinky ALMOST falls off the ladder with shock* Heavens above Kes ! You made me jump then ! I haven't done anything,you did this ALL by yourself..I'm just finishing off one teeny weeny little bit you missed ! You must have collapsed with exhaustion,you've done a superb job ! Finish your beer off.....*Pinky is now elated,WHEN the meeting takes place,she will be blameless,for the very first time ever* If I were you Kes,I'd have a look behind the bar for some of that white spirit.I'm positive I saw a drop left in a bottle awhile ago (Unless he's already drunk it she thinks ? !)You've got one or two spots of paint here and there...it's making the place look untidy thats all.....

Well, er, yes ... I suppose I must have.
*Looks around*
Not a bad job, though I say so myself.
*Swabs specs with white spirit and puts them on*
Aha! A bit ... er ... brighter than I had expected, but pretty good. Did you do all the dotty effects on the curtains? They're rather ... interesting, I think. Could catch on.
*Peers at wall above fireplace. Points.*
You dribbled a bit there. Best to wipe it off before it sets. I'd do it myself, only I've just cleaned my specs.

DRIBBLED ?? Over there >>>> ME ? I don't think so Kes,I never dribble..Besides,you did that bit,not me..I was at a cricket match but rain stopped play ...Your not blaming me for this !I only did that teeny weeny bit up there <<<<<<<<<<<....The curtains do look kinda retro though ....mmmmmmm,I could get used them, I suppose !*Pinky sits down ,and decides to sulk for awhile...she's NEVER been accused of 'dribbling' before.She turns her head away from Kes,in disgust*

Did I do that bit? Can't really remember every detail. Oh well, if you say so.
*Picks up teatowel from beside sink, uses it to wipe the durplus paint, thereby removing 85% of it, but spreading the remaining 15% across the top of the chimney breast. Returns teatowel to original location.*
There! You OK? What are you looking at over there?

*Pinky watches these repairing tactics Kes has taken upon himself to rectify,with a teatowel no less !!!* You talking to me Kes ? Oh right,sorry.I was just looking at the wall over there >>>>>>>>>>> we could make a feature of it.....trompe l'oeil,or plaster work perhaps ..what do you think ?

*Pinky has decided not to sulk anymore with Kes,she has plans....she can't afford to upset him in any way* Drink Kes ? What would you like ?

*With backward glance at the cleanup job*
Yes ... definitely original ... could be unique. Might catch on - next trend and all that. Pardon?
Don't mind if I do - mine's a large please.
Well, that was a good job done. I expect we can return to the good old peace and quiet of the Snug now. Nice to have a bit of stability in one's life, I always say ... Cheers! Down the hatch!

CHEERS Kes ...Would you like another ? *Pinky thinks she'll wait just awhile longer,Kes is in such a happy,contented mood,she won't spoil his moment of joy,for now* Are you hungry Kes,fancy something extra special to eat ? You name it,I'll.......make it !!!

Special eh?
*Allows his brain to run through an extensive list of exotic culinary delights, sorts the list into order, and selects the top item*
A sausage sandwich would go down a treat ... and an to wash it down with. So kind of you. Anything I can do in return? ... non-financial, that is, of course.

Of course Kes,heaven forbid ,nothing financial.....Sixpences are not legal tender anymore anyway (I HATE telling you that but it's true,just sit down,you'll get over it soon. Bless)......Sausage sandwich ? Pork ? Well cooked ? With sauce? Red or brown ? In a bread roll ? White or brown ? Whole grain or granary ? Served on a china plate,or with just a serviette ? I aim to please ! Here's a beer to be going on with .........*Pinky awaits Kes's instructions*

Decisions, decisions ...
Yes please.
Not certain about the meat content of the local sausages.
Yes - can't stand badly cooked sausage.
Yes please.
The sauce should be red; the sausage should be brown.
Between two slices of lightly buttered bread.
Supermarket white sliced plastic type.
With serviette.
Thank you.

Oh dear! I seem to have finsihed that beer ...

I'm not giving you local sausages Kes,good Lord above...I'd never forgive myself if you got an upset tummy !!! No way,I'm making home sausages,finest loin of pork,hint of sage,a sprinkling of hand-made bread crumbs...Only the VERY BEST for you !!!...Now where's that mincer ?? *Pinky realises,asking for a food-processor,would be like asking for £20 notes to fall from the sky and land into her garden* Another beer Kes ?

Ooh yes, please! . I don't mind waiting a few beers, er I mean minutes, for lunch.
Mincer? Yes, Lil had one in the kitchen. It got gummed up the last time we had burgers on the menu, and I'm not sure if it got cleaned out, but it should still be there. A few fried onion rings would be good ...
This really is most kind of you.

No trouble Kes,don't mention it ! Fried onion rings ? With,or without batter ? *Pinky goes off to see if she can find the gummed up mincer in the kitchen,thinking to herself..it wouldn't be a bad idea if they had electricity installed in this place..sometime soon !* Help yourself to a beer Kes,I could be awhile !!!

Oh, I remember now! We dumped the mincer in a bucket of drain cleaner. It should be done by now. It's the red bucket under the sink.
Another ? Don't mind if I do. Can I get you anything while I'm up? If you don't like the look of the mincer, there might be some sausages in the freezer. Careful when you open it - it hasn't been defrosted in a while. The crowbar is leaning up against it. That usually gets the door open. No batter on the onion rings - must keep an eye on the old waistline, you know.

*Pinky thinks PHEW !! She's not the best batterer in the whole world* Just plain onion rings then Kes,thats easy ! Ermmmm,I'll rinse the mincer,should be OK !Bit of rust here and there,no problem,a quick rub over with some sandpaper should sort that out !! *Pinky is thinking she'd rather put herself through the mincer than open that freezer door* I'll have vodka and orange with ice,DOUBLE,if it's no trouble Kes,thankyou ....

Shouldn't worry about a bit of rust. Iron's good for the blood, so my old Mum used to say. Great believer in dietary iron was my Mum. That's probably why I can't face the sight of liver and onions to this day. well, strictly speaking, I can cope with the onions, of course, but liver always seems to be associated with that vegetable.

So that's a large vodka and orange with ice ...
*Selects clean(ish) glass. Adds 5 ice cubes. Attempts to cover ice with vodka; stops, leaving space for a dash or orange juice.*
There you are ... and a large malt whisky with another to wash it down for me.
*Clink. Glug, glug, glug. Swooooooosh.*
I'll just put that on somebody's tab.
*Looks around for pencil and suitable tab.*

Wise words from a wise lady Kes,Mums always know best.....Plenty of iron in the diet,she'd be proud of me,cos these sausages are going to be FULL of iron ,trust me now !! .....Oh,a drink ,thankyou ..... *Pinky takes a sly look onto the tab Kes has just written,can't quite make out the handwriting of course,but she's quite certain it doesn't say PINKY* Are you hungry Kes ?