h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yes, I know. There was so much activity. I had to go and lie down in a quiet corner. They even polished my shoes. Look! You can see your face in the shine now! The trouble is ... they were suede
I did think of you, Pinky - I raided the cleaners' supplies to get you a present.
*Produces a scruffy brown paper bag containing a bottle of Wonder Whoooosh Fabric Cleaner and two pairs of pink rubber gloves.*
Happy New Year! I think that's the stuff they used on the SnugHound.

OH Kes,what can I say ? How can I thankyou ? Wonder Whoooooosh Fabric Cleaner ,used by the professionals !! I am elated ,you have restored my faith in humankind !!Even if they DID polish your suede shoes,I mean the very enthusiasm of these people,makes me feel good to be alive !I am hoping for a sudden surge of people cluttering up the Snug ! We have 2 months to create atmosphere,start an advertising campaign even,get the place jumping again ..they can mess the place up all they want ! Come March,my spring cleaning will begin, WONDER WHOOOOOOOSH to the rescue.....Oh it's SO GOOD to be alive !! How can I ever thankyou Kes? The mind boggles !

You're welcome. Perhaps you could find the curtains and put them back up? The cleaners took them down for renovation, but they never came back. It does get a bit bright in here without them - the curtains, that is, not the cleaners - they weren't very bright at all. Care for some more ? A snack? I just opened the last pack of custard and taramasalata flavoured .

I wondered why my head was spinning Kes ! Curtains !! OR,the lack of ,so much light in here,I feel dizzy !!I mean,it amazes me how they actually did get them down ! I've been trying to do that for years now ! The threads were SO delicate,the holes so large,not to mention the frayed seams,these cleaners deserve medals,or the Nobel Peace Prize,or something ? Mmmmmm,custard and taramsalata eh ? You just know how to keep me happy don't you ? Thankyou ! Tasty too ! ...OK curtains ? Now where would cleaners put curtains I wonder ?......*Pinky decides,she WILL go into the cupboard near the cellar after all,it has held no curiousity for her before (spiders,why would it ?) But,sometimes ,a woman has to do,what a woman has to do !*

*Seeing Pinky head towards the cupboard door, Kes decides that now is not the time to mention The Legend of The Spectral Cellar Cat. He notes the location of the brandy bottle, should a medical emergency arise.*

*Pinky heads for the door,tries hopelessly in vain to open it * Kes,Oh Kes,hello,are you there ? * Pinky looks at Kes,and thinks,the lights are on but but he doesn't seem to be home* Kes,could open this door for me please ? I think it's stuck !!!

Hmm? Sorry - miles away.
Door? Probably just a bit stiff.
*Grab, twist, heave.*
*SKREEEEAKAAAAAAAAAAW. Thud*
*The door opens wide, pushing Kes against the wall (holding a now-unattached handle), leaving the way forward clear for Pinky.*

Are you OK Kes ? You look very green to me,look sit down,I'll get you a drink,we can attempt to enter this cupboard later..together...you KNOW how unselfish I am ! No way would I go exploring with you ! It's not in my nature ! We go togther or not at all.......now,what would you like to drink ? I'm buying.

*Ignored by all in The Snug, the door decides to close and sulk.*

A drink eh? Now that you mention it, I do feel a bit wobbly. A quick bracer would do me the power of good. A Scotch, I think ... large one, of course. Jolly kind of you. Don't mind if I do. Cheers!

Mmmm,that door does seem to have a mind of it's own Kes,have you noticed ? Very strange !! OK,where were we ? Oh yes,drinks all round,am I buying ,or did you say you would ? OH NO,you look a very odd colour now ....rest ,take a seat,breath deeply ......*Pinky picks up a very yellowed newspaper ( not quite as yellow as Kes looks right now,but I'm sure you understand the shade ) Fans Kes,gently *..........Breath Kes ,breath

*Falls back into chair.*

*Inhales.*

*Clutches wallet.*

*Inhales.*

*Opens eye.*

*Inhales.*

*Points at whisky bottle on bar.*

*Hopes.*

*Pinky follows,as best she can,the course of Kes's pointing finger * Water ? You need water Kes ? No ? You want me to take money from your wallet and put it into the till ? OK OK,your choking ,I think you do need water ! Oh ,right,I understand now,the colour of that wall is making you ill ,right ,no problem .....I can begin the re-decoration in two shakes of a lambs tail ! Calm now,keep calm ,you'll feel better soon..I promise

GAAAAAAAAAAAK!

OMG,I think you need a drink,desperately Kes ...ermmm...try a whisky,no water ,no soda and no lemonade ....No drink it slowly...OK,gulp it down then,it might just bring some colour back to those green cheeks of yours ....

*SNARF. Glug. Coughsplutt.*
*Colouring shifting gradually back into the red end of the spectrum.*
My goodness. I was quite overcome for a moment there. Thank you so much. That has almost put me back to rights ... almost ...

Feeling better Kes ? Pulse stopped racing has it ? Almost yourself again ? Good,you can give me a hand with the re-decorating in here then....now...where to start ? I'm so excited ,I could celebrate.

Careful planning is the key to success, I always say. I'm good at planning. We can plan while we celebrate, so if you get a round of drinks in, I'll draw up a list of suitably muted colour schemes and inexpensive materials. I'm good at "inexpensive" and "muted" - though you probably hadn't noticed. Don't let that inhibit you when it comes to celebratory drinks, though.

Never Kes,never will I be inhibited by your very suggestion of inexpensive AND muted,heaven forbid.You are quite right though,careful planning has to be the key to success and inspiration..we need inspiration...OK,first things first,a drink for us both..then a night out at some exotic theatre or somewhere...somewhere ??? Somewhere,with a classical air about it ,Baroque even.....fancy ?

Right then. I'll start with a large Scotch. Pass the local paper, and we'll see what's on in the music line. I think the Town Hall has re-opened after the floods of last summer. Did I tell you about the flood? They were just starting the programme - Favourite Operatic Arias in aid of a new church roof, it was. Then the river burst its banks. Terrifying! Huge waves swept the soloist out of the Hall, and the Vicar accompanied her on the piano.

Mmmmmm,right ,OK Kes,the Town Hall it is then ....sounds like fun actually ....shame I won't be wearing my new dress again though ! Flippers,rubber suits and I'll get us two snorkels just incase right ? We might set a trend,diving gear at the opera...it's original ..Oh yes ,a large Scotch for you...Think I'll have one too,I hate Scotch,but,any port in a storm ,and this looks like a flood to me ...Cheers