h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Card? You mean a visiting card? Used to have those. Probably in my other jacket. Can't we just charge it to The Snug, and sort it all out later? No, I usually scoop the mushy peas on with my chips. Did I mention the chips?

Ah so,I see,chip chop sticks ! Your a walking genius you are Kes ! Your wish is my command ! You want chips ? You got em ! Well,you WILL have some....eventually ! It's just...just TRYING to stick my finger in the 0 dial on this phone is quite a challenge....Did you find the tab ? Couldn't we just put the bill on that ? Seen how you've left your Visiting Card in your other jacket ! I mean,I've heard of Visa,American Express (always does nicely thankyou )But,Visiting Card ...Thats a new one on me hahahahaha ! Have you got any WD40 handy ?

It's often a bit stiff if it hasn't been used for a few years. Let me have it ... Thanks. Just give it a quick twiddle. Grunnnnf. Mmmmmmmmrrgh. Yes, 'tis a bit immobile. Yeeeeeeeaaaurrgh.
*TWONG. GFlrtwickety twickety clunk*
*Small pieces of dead insect, defunct Bakelite and ex-sandwich filling drop to the floor as the dial rotates ... at first grudgingly, then more easily.*
Look - feather-light touch now!
*Twiddle, twiddle*
Hello? Who? Where? Middle of the night there, is it? Terribly sorry.
*Hangs up. and returns phone to Pinky*
Should be OK now. Yes - just ask then to send the bill here, and we'll sort it out later. They won't take long, will they? My stomach thinks my throat's been cut!

A pair of binoculars to see who else is in here with me. Thanks.

The smoke from the sausages will clear soon. Do have a seat. Did you say it was your round?

Well you can't turn your back in this place for long can you ?? Mess ? I've seen nothing like it ? EVER ! Did you ring that take-away Kes ??? I'm ravenous now .....Who's round was it ? (Sorry I haven't been around lately.LIFE !!! It gets in the way of the more important things,sorry Kes )

(No problem, Pinky. Welcome back.)

Mess? It looks fairly normal to me. Me? Phone? I thought you were ... oh, never mind. Pass the telephone, and I'll do it. You get the drinks in. That chap who was just in is paying. I'm sure he'll be back. Better make them doubles.

*Takes piece of paper from Pinky, and dials the number thereon*
Hello?
Who?
Where?
I only made a local call ... not to Beijing.
What?
Oh. You are local. With that accent? If you say so.
What numbers do I want?
I'm not doing the Lottery. Put me through to the local take-away.
You are the local take-away?
Oh. Well, which numbers are for sausage sandwich and chips?
Pardon? You're foreign, aren't you?
S...A..U..S..A..G..E ... What?
No, I'm not shouting. Do calm down.
What's the word for sausage in your language?
Szechuan? OK. We want four of those, and chips - at least 72 of them.
You recommend 17, 38 and 42 to go with that?
All right. And some little sachets of ketchup please.
K...E... Yes! Sauce. Good.
Deliver to the Boff Inn, and charge it to the landlord's account.
Free crackers? It's nowhere near Christmas?
Crackers with WHAT in them? Prawns? Oh, all right.
*Hangs up*

Strange person. Lunch should be here soon. Are the drinks ready?

*Almost nothing happens. Almost nothing has happened.
As a consequence, the pace of the passage of time (to an outside observer) slows.
The dripping tap of the bar sink is silent; a drop of water forming on the spout hangs there unmoving.
The bubbles within the glass of pause on their way to the atmosphere.
Brown dust motes rest from their Brownian dance.
The last , condemned in its plastic display shell, is granted a reprieve from the advances of grey mold.
In the fireplace, a damp log pauses in mid-crackle.
Invisible inside its case, the clock pendulum is stayed at one extreme of its arc.
Tick is not yet followed by Tock.
The SnugHound's jowls appear awkward, paused in mid-snore.
The sole human occupant of the Snug is unaware.
To him it is but another slow moment in one slow day of an unending sequence.
These thoughts do not trouble his mind.*

Good Lord ! It's quiet around here isn't it ?? Drinking alone Kes ? Mmmmmmmmm,not a good sign !!! I've heard it can bring on manic depression you know ? I'm LOVING the atmosphere in here though....already a perfect setting for our Halloween Party..even the cobwebs look atmospheric.....OK,your round I think ? I'll just have a double vodka and freshly squeezed orange juice thanks !! ...Has that take away arrived yet ? I'm starving ! Infact,if the fire had a flame I could roast you and have you between 2 slices of bread !! I can't remember feeling this hungry in ages !!!!!!!

*Drip ... crackle ... Tock.
Drip, drip, drip
Crackle
Tick Tock Tick*

Hm? What? Sorry - away with the fairies for a moment there. Pardon?
Drinking a loan? How do you drink a loan? Tell you what - loan me a fiver, and I'll buy us a drink.


There. Who's Ian? You must know. The Ian you just said Hello to ...
Manic depression? Don't think so. I can safely say I've never been manic, not unless you count that time at the Festival of Britain when ...
*A knock at the door*
Who'zat? Come in. My, you have got lots of packages. Are you from the takeaway sausage place? The Delight of Szechuan? Well, if you say so - I always thought only the English liked sausages. Which package is for us? All of them? There must be some ... no - just put them down on the bar.
*Inspects contents of one package*
I say! These don't look at all like sausages. What an earth?
What we ordered, you say? Oh well - not to worry. I expect the sausages are in the other packages.
What?
Your money?
Oh - you've got some money. That's fantastic. Look - to save me going out in this weather - just lend me a tenner. Yes - one of those. Thank you. Now - when you go to get your payment, just add that tenner to your bill.
Yes. Didn't they explain to you? This place always does payments from the office round the front. Out the car park, round the corner - second green door on the left. Better hurry up - it closes in a minute. If you miss it you can always come back tomorrow. Terribly nice meeting you. 'Bye.
*Opens another package*
Oh dear!
Pinky - could you check this lot out and find the sausages. I'll get a couple of plates and some mustard.

Ermmm,how about you checking this lot out Kes ,and ME finding a couple of plates and the mustard ?...Second green door on the left though ? Are you SURE you've sent that poor man to the right place ? I thought the door was blue ?? Oh well....plates,are........not there.......mustard........? Now this jar has part of name ....ns..Might be mustard,then again,it might not.Can you open the lid to check please Kes,I haven't the strength....*Pinky passes,the brown ,mouldy jar to Kes and steps well back,ANYTHING could be living in there she thinks to herself* Your so strong Kes !

Oh, he'll be alright. Besides - if he comes back here I've got this tenner I can pay him with.
*Inspects jar cursorily*
Might be mustard - more brown than yellow though.
*Twists the lid. A wisp of grey fumes emerges under pressure. At this point Kes notices the smaller lettering on the label, reading "Good Luck to Our Boys on the Somme. He secures the lid, and tosses the fizzing jar into the fire, from whence interesting smoke emanates.*
We can manage without mustard.
We can manage without plates. We can eat out of these containers.
A couple of spoons would be good. They didn't give us any spoons - just these wooden sticks. I suppose they are to stir the stuff with. Right. Let's be systematic about this. Every container has a number on the lid. I'll open each one and we'll eventually find the sausages. If you see anything you fancy, just say.
*Removes lids, inspects and describes contents*
Number 17: Seems to be rice ... with lots of variously coloured bits in it. I expect the cream is in another container.
Number 23: They look a bit like sausage rolls, but in batter, and floppy.
Number 31: Rectangular thin slices of flexible cream-coloured vegetable in pale green gunge.
Number 47: Batter-coated small spheres embedded in hot red jelly.
Number 52: Cubed meat of some sort with some small plant shoots in transparent gravy.
Number 74: Chicken ... I hope ... but there's pineapple chunks and ... is that carrot? Not sure.
Number 75: Looks very like number 31, but different colour of gravy.
That's it. They forgot the sausages! I've a good mind not to pay them! We should sample it though, just to see ... Did you find any spoons? Which one do you fancy first? I'm going to try one of those non-sausage roll things.

OOC

A Merry Reader to all our Christmases

/OOC

Thankyou Kes,not as many readers as perhaps we would like,but ,thats life...you always have me !!! Hope your every dream comes true in 2008 ! .........You might have taken the Xmas tree down in my abscence though ? I'm almost positive I saw a bird nesting in there then !!! Early isn't it ? Oh well,if Mohamed won't go to the mountain........the mountain must walk !!! MOVE Snughound,I'm coming through !!!

Good to see you again. 2008 has started well for me - happy healthy & too busy at w**k.
I hope all is well with you.
To bring you quickly up to date, here is a synopsis of Snug seasonal celebrations:
1) Took a nap, during which the chinese takeaway items all congealed.
2) Used microwave to restore takeaway, and took a nap.
In hindsight, 2 hours at max. power was excessive.
3) A bird nesting in the Xmas tree? No. Because of the microwave incident, instead of a partridge in a pear tree we had (briefly) a barfridge in a bare tree.
4) Got a seasonal card for the takeaway's lawyer, who indicated that we would need a very prosperous New Year to meet his legal costs.
5) Sent the lawyer a photo of the devastation caused by his client's takeaway.
6) Lawyer sent round a team of cleaners and put some money in the till.
7) The is on ice behind the bar.
8) I'll have a glass too.
9) Welcome back.
10) Mind the SnugHound. He is still grumpy after being steam-cleaned.

Kes! is it just me or have I not seen you about in ages......
*gets out from under the table*
Of course if I hadn't spent the last few months underneath that table

*Looks carefully at 2legs*
Yes ... it is just you ... plus a few bits of debris from the table. Not like you to have a chip on your shoulder .
Under the table was the best place to be when the microwave went off.
Would you care to join me & Pinky in some ?

Ooo would be an ideal thing

*Gets bottle and glasses*
Here we are! Happy Wotsit everybody!

I see !! So,what your are REALLY telling is...all the fun and excitement happens when I'm not here Kes ? I mean,missing cleaners in the Snug,can you imagine my pure devastation ? I am gutted for want of a better description !! Not to mention MONEY actually being placed in the till ! I don't think I shall ever recover !!!! A drink seems to be the order of the day ..Cheers,to you and to you too 2 legs..Belated Happy New Year Wishes from me !! *Pinky sits down and looks around the Snug.Will life ever be the same for her again ,she wonders?Cleaners in the Snug and she missed them*