h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have no idea? But what is the problem, and what should we attack...

I would volunteer this fine establishment. A prime situation for hostages.

Well then whom would we capture?

Hmm.

Good question.

I don't really know this place at all. Does anyone know who'd be the best one to take?

Well I would suggest HDS, as he always seemed to be quite important to them. What do you think?

* goes through a short but nauseating phase of vanishing and re-appearing in various different places around the room before finally settling down with a very large booming kind of sound. A small piece of paper flutters to the floor. There is writing on it. MaW picks up the paper and reads *

'We apologise for the inconvenience.'

Hmm, looks like that little episode might be over now.

* he checks his pockets *

Now where did I leave my cellphone?

How long have you had these bouts of disapearing MaW?

Thras: *flies in looking a bit singed and generally dishevelled, alights on Jade's shoulder* I want to capture a pickle... Ayone have a pickle...? I'm bloody famished...

They probably have some at the bar thread.

::having lurked about for the past three years, a small green cloud of smoke is immensely relieved that something is finally happening, and vanishes::

*Comes back in from the March thread, with and for all*

Can't have a decent bout of platting without some nice beer.

*Frowns*

Sorry, Thras, someone stole the pickles.

So, do we think the inhabitants of this fine establishment would mind being hostagicised?

*Takes mouthful of *

Mmm, Old Speckled Hen. Very nice.

::the small green cloud of smoke reappears, and slowly coalesces into Thog::


*ahem*
I hate to interrupt your uh... 'platting', gents and ladies, but why exactly are you going to be taking the patrons of the CP hostage? I can understand the urge and all , but I fail to see how this will help you in the long run... I mean, if all you're after is a nuclear sub or summat of that nature, I'm sure I could procure the like of that for you at a very reasonable price, and we wouldn't have to go through all this messy business of hostagicizing and y'all getting shot and whatnot, you know. A lot of bother, if you ask me, and besides, you might damage some of the alcohol, which obviously would be an unforgivable act of war that would needs be swiftly avenged at great cost to both sides.

::puffs on his cigarette, swigs a bit of , and absently studies the dust s that roam freely about the floors::

Well I was hoping that if I can learn to disappear and reappear somewhere else, I might be able to just pop in, grab someone and pop out again.

Of course, there's no telling if that's even possible...

* he checks the other side of the piece of paper *

'Your instruction manual will arrive shortly'

Oh. That's nice...

* a large, leather-bound hardback book appears right above MaW's head and falls upon it *

Ow!

* he looks at the book *

'Instruction manual for MaW, enhanced with SuperHuman Technology(tm)'

Interesting. Presumably me going AWOL from the research lab had something to do with this.

* he looks at the first page *

'Dear MaW. You have, without permission or prior notice, been enhanced with experimental SuperHuman Technology(tm) from Unethical Industries Inc. We have conducted such experiments as we felt necessary to determine that the procedure was not as great as success as was hoped, and therefore we have released you back into the wild in order to monitor you and determine how your body reacts to our modifications. To help you to survive as long as possible, allowing us to take more meaningful readings, we provide you with this user manual. Please study it carefully.

'P.S. Don't try coming after us once you've learned how to use your new abilities, we know everything you can do and have countermeasures for all of it'

And I thought nobody could get worse than Microsoft...

* he sits down and starts reading the book. Chapter One is entitled 'speed-reading' *

Thog, see A880896

* MaW reads Chapter Two: 'Mental Discipline', Chapter Three: 'Diagnosing Problems', Chapter Four: 'Surviving Normally Fatal Wounds' and Chapter Five: 'Throwing Fireballs' *

Now this isn't encouraging at all...

'Please note that making a fireball in the palm of your hand and not throwing it absolutely immediately is likely to result in serious burns which are not covered by your advanced self-healing package'

I don't think I'll be doing that unless it's an emergency.

Thras: *begins vibrating slightly* WANT PICKLES NOW...!

Jade: *grabs him by the head and pull him down into the crook of her arm, holding him there*

* MaW studies the very interesting Chapter Six: 'Teleportation' *

'WARNING: Teleportation must only be attempted in calm conditions, as it may be prone to failure resulting in distribution of your subatomic components across the entirety of the Universe. Reassembly from that state would not be practically possible.'

Lovely...

Jade: *grins, says nothing, clamps her hand down on Thras's mouth*

Thras: *struggles slightly*

*Sighs, gets up, and wanders over into the other thread to find some pickles.*

::pulls the CP's bottle of pickles from a loincloth pocket and hands it to Jade::

Sorry -- didn't know it was so important.

Euan, ummmmm... yes, you know, that's all very nice and whatnot, but the fact is, you're plotting to take over one of my favorite pubs. Frankly, I couldn't give a less whether it's you psychos what come out better in the end or the government psychos, or some other psychos altogether... that's not the point. The point is, you're plotting to take over one of my favorite pubs, and this is not acceptable to me.