h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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...*tries the door to the alley again...no matter how hard she pushes...she just can't get it open...*
...*climbs the ledge to the window of the billards room...taps...as heads turn toward the sound of her tapping...Pan lifts her shirt above her head...* I would like to come in pa-leeze!!

*Opens the door to the alley with a simple turn of the key in its lock*

Now, I wonder who could have locked that?

*Peers down the alley and then up to find Pan balancing precariously on a window ledge with her skirt above her head*

Pan! You could have at least given me my thermal long-johns back before you started flashing 'em to all and sundry!

*Startled, Pan looses her footing on the window ledge and crashes through the window, landing on a billiard table below*

Oh well...I suppose she doesn't need me to open this door for her now.

*Quietly closes the alley door and returns to the bar and pours herself a fresh *

Anyone f'coffee? (Well it's a tad early for a !)

Hey Gwennie, is that Pandora I hear in the billiards room?

That should improve the situation in there pretty fast - NOT.



Errrrr....this is last week's paper. Wanders off to see if she can find the new edition.

Sorry Pan, I didn't recoginize you there at the bar -what with the knee out of your thermals and all that soot.

*walks over to Pandora*

...you need to get those billiard balls out of your shirt....oooops!

*goes back to her and newspaper*

*Wanders back through from billiard room*

Sorry about the mess in there. Things got a little out of hand.

*Reaches into pocket, pulls out a /big/ shiney gold coin*

I hope that this will cover the damages. Here, have another. A round for the bar, and one for the barkeeper.

*Smiles, and wanders out the front door*

* MaW crawls carefully out of the billiards room, closes the door and stands up, trying ineffectively to brush the dust from his ripped and dirty clothing *

Oh. Err... Sorry everyone.

* he leaves some Moxons on the bar and goes into the toilets *

...*on her way to the ladies to freshen up and get these reappearing flannels off once and for all...stops for a quick lil' speech...*
Gwennie. I shall deal with you later!
Hypatia, who the bloody hell do you think you are, grabbing my girls like that? Freakin' Sharon Osbourne?!
The rest of yous can jussss bite my shiney hiney.
...*tosses her hair back unknowingly wacking several people across the face and getting the ends into someone's ale...*
Oh, and careful of that maW
fella'...he's up to sumthin' or sumthin'.

*bites Pan's shiney hiney as she walks unsuspecting by his late napping place*

*, stretching, and steps off the water molecule he's been napping on for the past week.*

'Lo ever'body!
*materializes a *
*quaff*


Ahhhhhh!!!! Now... where is that ing limo that woke me up???

*stalks out the front door, grabbing his mod-whompin stick on the way, just in case*

Thank you Thog...*the shower in the ladies can be heard along with a rather gargled sound or bawdy songs of the Sea...*

*walks back through the front door, pausing to lean his mod-whompin stick up against the wall, then climbs up on top of a table*
AWRIGHT!!! LISTEN UP ALL YOU IN SOLDIERS!!! Y'ALL KEEP IT QUIET AND PEACEFUL IN HERE, AND PAY YER IN TAB, AND NOBODY GETS HURT!! ANYBODY DOES SOMETHIN STUPID, WELLL... *pauses and looks around for a split second< and suddenly 42 silvery and gleaming muzzles appear suspended in mid-air, all pointed directly at the soldiers, and all completely unrecognizable*
NOBODY HERE KNOWS WHAT THESE ARE BUT ME, BUT TRUST ME WHEN I SAY YOU DON' WANNA!!! SO JUST KEEP IT CIVIL, YA S!!

*climbs down from the table and, stepping onto a passing water molecule, vanishes from view*

* MaW emerges from the toilets looking a little, but not much, fresher and cleaner, and leaves the pub through the front door after taking a careful look out of the window to check that it's safe *

*Positions her earplugs in preparation for Pan's "dealing with her later" *

That's better...Can't hear a thing!

*Pours herself a and settles quietly in a corner a copy of the Financial Times*

If this doesn't send me to sleep nothing w...

Are you ready for another bite yet Pan?

*searches her tapestry bag for a cigarette paper and begins to roll*

one toke over the line...

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Hears the shower still running in the ladies room. This place must have a hell of a big hot water tank.

...*exits the ladies in time to hear Linus' re*mark*...tosses a kiss in his direction...*
Hypatia, with all these men around I keep the cold water running 24/7.
What are you doing singing 'My' song...*hands on hips...*
In 1979 my friend Mike, who did the fancy-shmancy wood-work in my cabin,, promise to carve those very words on my ern!
Why, the funeral director even suggested that my ashes be "lined on a mirror & snorted"!Cousre, he had in mind all the money that has coursed thru these veins of mine over the years.Yep, thasss just about me...one toke over the line...*strolls to bar...tosses Gwennie's wet knickers onto the lady's table.I had a hellova time gettin' these off me.
I finally managed to get out thru the hole in the knee. My, don't you look lovely tonight? What's that?Hey everybody!
I actually made a pact with myslf to not kick Gwennie in the shin the entire month of April (and the rest of whatever this month is too) if she were pleasant to me when I emerged from the Ladies. Just look at her! Face all scrunched up, screwing her fingers into her ears! My wo-o-o-od, how rude.
...*flips her hair back into Gwennies face and walks to the bar knocking a water molucule out of the way with a flick of her finger...noticing only 'post flick', Thog was residing on said molacule...*

...*opens a new gallon of Jack Daniels...takes out an ale mug and waits to see how long it takes Thog to return from...er...from wherever he was flicked to...*
One toke over the line Sweet Jesus, one toke over the line....waitin' for a train......one toke over the line.

I don't know that one

How about 'today i went and bought myself a bottle, like we used to do, reminded me of you'

*Is woken by Linus's singing, which has succeeded in penetrating her earplugs*



Someone please put Linus out of his misery! (I will personally supply a pair of bricks for the task!)