The CHOPPERS Handbook, written by Red Dog. Good Boy! A665688. This weeks discerning hero listens to the Cooper Temple Clause.
Yes, that's right. H2G2 needs superheros to help fight against the villainous villains, and you could join our august ranks. We are C.H.O.P.P.E.R.S (That is Certified Heros Opposed to Perilous Pernicious Evil Rats from Stumped), sworn to fight crime to protect the innocents of H2G2. And to put vast quantities of yellow fish on villain's pages (No longer necessary - see 'The Fish Wars'. We are sworn opponents of STUMPED, who appear to vastly outnumber us. Why?
Why Should I Join CHOPPERS?
Are you even vaguely heroic? Does the mere mention of evil make your skin crawl? Do you think that wearing your underpants above your tights looks good? Do you have your own theme tune?
If you answer yes to any of these questions (Or no, we're not too bothered at the moment), then you can and must join us in our crime fighting crusade. Add your name and anything else you might want to share to the recruitment forum below. Go on.
*NEW* CHOPPERS Union Benefits
I order to get more of you lovely, lovely people on side, the senior council of heros has decided to instigate a new comprehensive pan of benefits for CHOPPERS members. This includes a union card, health insurance (damage caused in action is not covered), air miles, a really spiffy mask made from genunie lame and if you join soon, a tasteful and handy bedside radio alarm clock. Apply below!
The Fish Wars
The oppening salvos of STUMPED/CHOPPERS violence was embodied by the fish wars. Put simply, the object was to put vast numbers of fish into specially made forum entries of the other team in order to freeze each opponent separately. We had a great moral victory. But a crushing actual defeat. We became so frozen that we were re-fished. Oh Dear.
CHOPPERS-X, the Next Generation of Heros, CHOPPERS Reborn
Think of any half-hearted superhero comic relaunch which features a new generation of characters. Think of every possible cliche involved with such a rehash. Then picture a bunch of people in tight, badly colour-coordinated spandex striking uncomfortable poses. That really is all you need in order to imagine this, the rebirth of CHOPPERS as a mean, green, rufty-tufty, butch, buff fighting force. These heros are the cutting edge of CHOPPERS. In fact they are the only edge as everyone else has hung up the jodpurs and masks.
Afgncaap5 Arguably our most heroic hero. Temporary leader, with Vestboy missing
Uncle Heavy A legend in his own lifetime. Charming, debonair, stylish. Think of a an amalgamation of James bond and Wolverine. In Spandex. Acting deputy leader, seeing as Affy can't be bothered even to turn up to the AGM any more...
Garius Lupus A formerly schizophrenic lycanthrope. Now 100% good. With added goodness.
RedSky A hero of the old school, RedSky can spell but chooses not to. And why not?
Short Term Memory Man Famous for his complete lack of...erm...thing, 'Man', as he calls himself when he remembers, is apparently quite good at KaPWING! Well, ours not to reason why.
Inkwash Much like Robin Hood, but without the tights, Inkwash reckons he's a bit tasty. And with abilities that include immunity to Monday Hangovers, the' quite fast drinking' of hot drinks and Bowling Ball noise impersonations, who's going to argue?
Sergeant Mushroom Neither a sergeant nor a mushroom, this feisty young lady can fight crime with the best of them. Unluckily for her, she is lumped with us. that will learn her for signing a binding 25 year contract without reading the small print, eh?
The Amazing Miss Marmite Despite the fact that she is messing with evil she cannot hope to find by admitting to a penchant for marmite, The Amazing Miss Marmite is truly a super hero. And she has a mask. Who can boast this. I only have a brown paper bag after all.
Red Dog A man whose ideas are very right indeed. He has dedicated his life to heroically saving me, Uncle Heavy, from danger. Isn't that lovely?
Arlecchino An odd character, this. Well, what can you expect from a man whose role model appears to be an Italian clown that says nothing. Even more curiously, Arl himslef fails on all three of those counts...
The Average Joe no one ever expects Quite clearly wrong in his self-appraisal, so far Joe has been accused of the murder of JFK, the Suez crisis and the distinct dearth of Choco-Leibniz in my biscuit barrel at home.
MaW and the penguins Not gay, and also not a native luxembourger, MaW and his infamous penguins need no further intorduction. Lucky, really.
Elle El Elle, as they call her down the Acapaulco transvestites' social club, is the newest member to the team. Dunno what it is she does, but i bet she does it really well.
Existential Elevator Rebelling against type, she seems actually to be a genuine super hippy. Scarily, she has actually had some success at this, and despite our best efforts, CHOPPERS HQ is now full of stinking josticks. I ask you.
Poison Girl Incredibly, and you'll never believe this, Poison Girl likes to poison people occassionally. Yeah. What makes it doubly astonishing, is that she is a girl as well! What are the chances?
These heros are no longer with us, sadly. Some have hung up the cloak and spangly tights, being, as they are, lazy so and sos, but are still around. The others have been dead since the infamous 'Fish Wars'.
Mewtwo and VekuraThe first and second most powerful pokemon in existence. Married. With hildren.
Death Avocado A traditional hero: tall, dashing, heroic, has his own skintight lycra suit and goggles. Like the Phantom but naffer. and not as strong.
Giguschild An eight foot tall xenomorph in an ill-fitting suit and broken oakleys. But he's a softie at heart.
Suicide Man (AKA Peregrin) This character has an interesting method of fighting crime. He kills himself at first sight of any villain. I know not why.
Dances with Ladyboys An enigma.
Mild-mannered Janitor A polite janitor. As smooth with a mop as he is with his karate
Poetry Woman Her mission: to rid H2G2 of villainy. Her weapon: excrutiating poetry. Her syntax: reasonably good, as it goes.
Dinah, Dashing Doer Of Daring Deeds Any hero hwo shows of her (or his) ample cleavage is good in my books, which is why I like Dinah so much. She also does daring dashing deeds, apparently.
Snowman An enigmatic figure, all that is known about snowman is that he is a snowman. Duh.
Vestboy Our glorious, if somewhat smelly, leader. No longer with us. We don't know why.
Ishhara Mesopotamian Goddess of fertility and stuff.
Black Swan He says no-one believes he exists. I don't believe him
Gavroche Another hero. He's quite literary. He can quote Poe and stuff.
Lucy Lastik Appears to be a kind of Mary Poppins figure. Only without the cough mixture.
Larj Parz Resident Muscle Man and all round good guy.
TomTheDog A dog. Who is called Tom.
Possum Most famous for the amusing appendages after his name.
Siren Well, the name says it all really.