h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear BlackEye,

What you need to do is re-enforce the asparagus by putting carrot sticks between each stalk, if you haven't got carrot sticks you can use oven chips on a temporary basis until such times as you can get some. I wouls also recommend trying to find some Asparagus Tip Insulating Cream (which is made from egg whites and sugar) this will keep the tips moist while not letting them get soggy.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Day 2 and things're getting desperate they are. Me cheese is now sleeping with the fishes, and me fishes are startin' to go cheesy. Last night I fancied that a luverly pirate wench in a curiously deformed number 8 bus was on 'er way to to rescue I from they ... errr ... other pirates, but I fear that per'aps this was merely wishful thinking brought on by all the lime-juice and diesel shandies. And I were seein' things this morn too - sandwiches, lasses wi' cuts an' teethmarks and bandages and soggy rinsed cycles there were.

To really take the biscuit barrel, just as I were driftin' into deep water I spied me a German couple in a rented Fiat pitching their tent right under the glide path. Grrr. It'll be a sundrenched family holiday destination-of-choice afore ye know it. Arrr. If only I 'ad me some riggin' of some kind, summink like a black lace thong; I could 'oist me semaphores back up the starboard yardarm and signal me some help, or build a catapult to revoke me sum tourists, or fish me sum fish, or make a sexy tent wossit to trangeelate me position. Little wurdles, Aye.

BlackBeard the Eye.
Somewhere off the coast of Scotland. Or Iceland. Or Greenland maybe.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

thank ee for the kind advice. Aye, oven chips and meringue, that'll do the job. Now, if I could find another cheese to make me a new sprocket...

Aye, the Beard. Black I tells ye.

dear my dreadful

im quite worried

my sputum spitting days have returned again but my doctor wants to get rid of it with antibiotics again.

should a person get 3 chest infections in 5 month?

Dear Sir,

In a misguided attempt to photosynthesise, I recently painted my face green. Since then several plants have asked me out on a date, and they wont believe me when I say I'm human. How do I convince them I'm not a plant?

Yours nearly sincerely,
tamaire

Did someone say Aye??

davey...(she calls, swingin down in a single jump from the mast this is where the kylie type hotpants come in handier, there aint nothin worse nor billowin in the wind when you 'ang from the mast by yer petticoats, most un-wenchlylike, bad enough that she has to jump down 4 times before she finally lands,with all the bouncin)

wasn't no dream, my sweet (grabs him, kisses him pirate wench style in an armlock till he can no longer breathe, then flings him away from her and wipes her mouth with the back of her sleeve)

look at the cut o yer gib man ..wot 'ave yer bin up to...
couldn't get you any cheese, so i brought this here turnip instead..

and a tin of extra stiff bullet tipped asparagus.....

any tea on the stove?

aye be....Pirate Wench..MA

Dear Mr Dreadful

Well it's taken me nearly a week but I finally sorted out Aye Bee's smalls, had to borrow one of those bleeding concrete deliver mixers in the end an Prodtor and Gamble's share value went up 4 points with the Persil I had to buy but thye are done now and fresh with the smell of a sea breeze softner ready for business (although the sea breeze does seem a bit fishy from down wind )

Any hoo, Im back and ready for action.

Should I have a light lunch and a big dinner or do it the other way round?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Why not have a big lunch and a big dinner? That way you eliminate any dilemmas. If you've already had a big breakfast then it's even better.

Dear Mr Dreadful

It has been 3 weeks since my last problem and while this does not necessarily mean I have been problem free, I thought I would save them up and see if you offer a discount on your fees for multiple problems.

Am I flogging a dead horse, and if so what would be the reucussions with the powers that be?

Dai

Damn left handed keyboard, repercussions even!

Dear Dai,

The repercussions will probably be quite severe. While BDSM is not illegal in this country necrophilia and bestiality are. I strongLY suggest you find another hobby.

Left handed keyboard?

I'll flog you a dead ferret. 50p and it's yours. Can't say fairer than that Guv.

Tell yer what, I'll give you 75p if you throw in a night with Olga.

Any more bids, yes sir you at the back, no NO you with the spotted tie, do I hear 80p?

82p and a slightly fluffy Glacier Mint!

Are we all done, any more bids, going once, going twice, 83p and a used polecat comb, thank you sir, do I hear 90p, 90p anyone?

91p and a barely legal beagle!

Thank you sir, the bidding is with you, at 91p and a dodgy beagle, any more, no, going once, going twice, DONE. Thank you sir, pleae leave your details with the clerk.

OH OH.... am i too late??

1 pound ..1 pound..

oh..(devestated)

damn these bludy billowing skirts. i got caught in the doors of the number 6 and ended up in basingstoke, backwards with the contents of 3 large roadside puddles and a small dog plastered up against my right side..

while i am here mister d....i've got a little problem..

i have a soldier in my front room with a broken leg in a bag..
should i glue it back and say nothing. or should i leave it be and tick him off about his whinging and his silly cries for help

Aye be

£1.17 new pennies, a used copy of Vogue and a left handed keyboard!

Dear Mr D

Th horse thing seems to be a bad idea then, should I consider divin instead? I believe you can have a lot of fun going down on a regular basis.

Dai