h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Dai,

1) Go for the chicken and mushroom, it tastes nicer and goes well with chips.

2) Ignore the other tasks. Hootoo is the most important thing in the world.

Dear Aye Be,

It seems you've had a very busy time. I prescribe lots of rest... yes, a good length of time on your bakc will do a power of good.

As for the frock: I'll tell you if it's too low cut just as soon as I find my way out again.

ahhhh.
(sheepish grin)
sorry about that...

(loud 'THWACK' and the mister d is released...)

wouldn't want you to be late home for yer tea..

aye be

Dear Aye Be,

I don't think it's too low cut given modern society's attitudes to such things, but I'd recommend being careful when there are double decker buses coming towards you.

dear mrs d.
it's not wot u think...
these things seem to get bigger by the day..
it's all tru what he says about the busses..
there's 2 coaches and a number 8 missing and i'm almost sure i'm responsible

anyway, mister d.thanks for the advice...i'll be off home now to a good oirish dinner o bacon, cabbage 'n' spuds, and to phone 'doc' from the lab.he said there was some mechanism built in that i could use to deflate for certain scenarios...god knows why you'd need em smaller, after goin to all this trouble, but you never do know..
ooo arrr me 'arties...(learnt that in the advanced course, impressed?)

aye be.. well eddycated now

Dear Mr Dreadful

Good call on the chicken and mushroom, horn sorted and spot on about the chips, was luverly.

I have carefully assessed the situation and w**king is now secondary to hootoo, sod w**king I can do that anytime

Well to the issue at hand, Aye Beee called round last night with her suitcases, dirty laudry (how te hell does a woman have that many thongs ffs) and waving her piratical masters certificate under me nose looking all smug.

Apparently her washing machines on the blink and she asked could she stick her smalls in mine as she is currently under pressure on the undewear front.

Should I help her out with her underwear, and if so what fabric softner should I use for a master piratical wench?

Dai

Dear Aye Be,

10/10 for the "me 'arties"
Only 5/10 (for effort) for the "ooo arrr" you must remember to avoid the use of "ooo" in front of your "arrr", it makes you sound like a Country Lass (which is a completely different syllabus to Pirate Wenching)

Dear Dai,

I would recommend any softner that has a 'sea breeze' fragrance as it's highly appropiate for pirates.

How big is your washing machine? Some of Aye Bee's 'smalls' could comfortably sit on the mast of a brigantine.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Fair point on the size of her smalls, last time Billy Smart's Circus was in town they wanted to rent out her smalls as a make shift tent owing to their big top blowing away.

Should I consider sub contracting the work to an outside specialist?

Dai

Dear Dai,

I beleive CERN has a giant washing machine which is used to test the physics of Daz Automatic.

Dear Mr Dreadful the third,

I am currently collecting midgets, can you tell me where I can find an albino one? Preferably less than £10,000.

yours truly,
tamaire

I can recommend the mighty Highland Midge, excellent value for money and very faithful, in fact you can pick up a tent full for nect nothing.

thanks, I'll just get my boots then I'll start the long walk to Scotland

Dear Tamaire,

You used to be able to get midgets on eBay for quite reasonable prices, but concerns about midget fraud (where an appropiately-sized mannequin is dressed up) and a protest that resulted from the emotional cruelty caused by use of unflattering photographs put a stop to that. The market was driven underground, you can still get them on eBay but now they're called 'Beanie Babies'.

Sorry Mr Dreadful lll, just trying to help. Best wear a kilt, nay socks and a simmet, that way you can collect loads o'the wee beasties.

thank God for ebay, especially as I've forgotten where north is. You couldn't help me out with that as well could you?

Dear Tamaire,

*Points* North is that way.

oh, I see, just past the giant humanoid frogkiller from Alpha Centauri. Should have known, the clues were all there...

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I was doing my usual patrol of Cape Wrath the other night, blockading tourist yachts from landing and spoiling the spectacular natural beauty of the bombing range there, when I was subjected to an unprovoked attack by a Dutch frigate, of such ferocity that both my primary and secondary differential turbine shaft sprockets underwent rapid disassembly.

I have been drifting aimlessly ever since, with only the odd Norwegian trawler to raid for sustenance. I have attempted to fashion a replacement sprocket from a large edam fired at me by the frigate, but the cullen-skink-based lubricant I am forced to use is so ineffective that any slight imbalance in the cheese causes the asparagus splines on the main shaft to overcook to the extent that the tips go soggy. Please help,

Yours beseechingly,
Blackeye the Beard, Chief Engineer, MV Aunty Fow Ling.

ooooo errrrrr (as opposed to ooo arrrr, ooo errr is Aye be struggling to get into a 'recently-yanked-out-of-the-the-rinse-cycle' black lace thong and other attire appropriate for a massive masters plan pirate wench rescue mission, while leafing through her notes on daring rescue expeditions to unknown waters,(including how to sort out sprockets and the like) holding a cutlass atween 'er teef and muttering obscenities)

'COMING DAVEY LOVE''....I'LL BRING SOME SANDWICHES....
OH AND A SPROCKET THINGAMIJIG, AND PLEASE DONT FRET... I WONT LET SUCH A THING AS A SOGGY TIP COME BETWEEN US.. HAHAHARRRRRRRRR...ON ME WAY..''

(cranks up the number 8 outside the front door)

i found it last night while i was havin a bath..

aye be... on a mission..