h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr D

Well fair assesment, Im glad I stocked the wine cellar on the Saucy Sue, and the stamp duty nil rate band will be useful for those able to find property below £120K.

Having read this it seems I have found a sense of reality, this concerns me, should I turn to drin, and if so wine or voddie?

Dai

Dear Mr d
please defend me against them thur insults from other posters...
anyone who knows me would know i am not that wide....could be mistaken as a suggestion that i eat too many pasties or dont take enough exercise...it is damn difficult with these beauties to take any exercise that is of a vertical nature...

also... the 6 a arrived here, on a detour from a jaunt, full of welsh rugby fans..and i, just out of pure curiosity, looked under the relevant seat and guess what, a bucket of squid, a flange bracket and a pair of curtains..... does anyone know who they were for? i didn't order em...should i go the back door of the pig'n parrot and hand em in to shifty nobby?

aye be
kind of fond of squid

Dear Aye Bee

In reference to the comment on the balancing on a 6 lane motorway can I just point can I just say that at no point was I referring to width, but the size of ur triple zzeds, as for excercise, personally Im suprised you can walk on the pink stillettos with those puppies.

As for what you found under the seat of the no 6, can I say the bucket of squid was put there on my behalf ( remeber I said I owed you 6 squid) but the rests a mystery. Is the flange bracket a millars number 4 flange with a concentic screw thread by any chance, oh and what colour are the curtains?

Dai

purple, and no screw thingie.. it's a rather fetching flange bracket as it 'appens..we have it on the west facing coconute tree at the moment and it catches the light lovely..

what's happened to yiz all?
been on the lash on me behalf for paddy's day and forgot to stop drinkin did ye?
bless ya the lot o ya.. the things u do for me..

i had to settle for a ho ho ho and a bottle o rum that brad found beside the captains log

the boat has since sunk..we tried everything but leak was too bad.
now sat waiting on the number 6.. i want to come home
i've run out of baby oil and i need a wee on a proper toilet, some cheese 'n onion tayto and a whole new wardrobe, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

aye be havin a bad day.

Dear Aye Be,

"Stop drinking"? This concept is unfamiliar to me.

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

My issue is a percular one, to say the least. It seems that in my attic, I've a small magical kingdom full of fairies and the usual ilk that comes with them. This wouldn't be such a problem, save that the fairies in question have been getting very loud lately, and not only that, are scarpering off with most of my kichenware for God only know what. I've had this house for years, and the original owners never mentioned it, but I'm fairly sure that there's no way I can sue. What can I do?

Respectfully,
Mystrunner

Dear Mystrunner,

Arm yourself with a grumpy child and an iron rod.
The child's crying will kill off most of the fairies and you'll be able to despatch any survivors using the rod.

hey ...
can i butt in?
i know a few fairies,dont try to drive them out..

i would keep them... send them up a note written on the back of a postage stamp...write as small as possible cos big writin scares the bejaysus out of them................tell them that you are privileged to have them in your attic, but could they keep the noise down, there's people trying to sleep down here?
if you ask them nicely and haven't angered them too much at this stage, they can be persuaded to do things for you
and you can always blame them for things...they wont mind...things such as leaving the toilet seat up, or forgetting to put out the bin.....''i did put it out dear,, must be those mischevious fairies again...daggnabbit'' and so on

the cutlery thing is a common problem

and they like the good stuff. no point trying to pawn em off with picnicware or plastic disposables

we still haven't worked out what they do with it but it's nowhere to be found... we went through hundreds and hundreds of pudding spoons, for some reason that is their favorite..

aye be.. terrible fond of fairies

aaargh it's scary the little b**tards are pinching our pudding spoons and dinner forks aargh

Dear Mr Dreadful

While shipping a consignment of pudding spoons and mixed cutlery on behalf of one of me regular clients (say nowt) the Saucy Sue was in collision with a Number 6 bus heading in an Easterly direction under full sail the sole passenger being a drunken Oirish woman in a white bikini, a cutlass strapped to her thigh and with a set of bazumbas that could do you serious damage should she decide to turn round unexpectedly.

It appears that she is taking me to court for damages to her luggage and personal effects, me solicitors Grabbin Metoole and Pullitt reckon I should cough up on the sly in order to preserve me no claims bonus and save costs.

What do you give an Oirish woman who has everything or can you recommend an alternative course of action?

DAI (Changing course as he types)

I wondered where that No6 had gone. Been stood ere for ages.

Dear Dai,

My best recommendation would be a 100 gun Man o' War with a full crew of lusty sailors.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Would that not be dangerous for the lusty sailors?

Dai

Dear Mr Dreadful

I appear to have put the kiss of death (family tradition it seems ) on a popular piratical agony column as nothing has occurred since my last post.

Should I be concerned?

Dai

Dear Dai,

It *has* been a bit quiet around here lately... There was one newbie but he posted to the wrong thread and when I pointed out his error he ran away (at least I think he did, he hadn't been seen since that's fer sure).

To answer your previous question: yes, it will be dangerous for the sailors. Double Zeds can be difficult to handle, even expreience sea dogs have trouble.

Dear Mr D,

Where's the bl**dy No6, I'v been hanging around here for ages and the ferrets are getting restless.

Albert

Dear Mr. Ross,

I'm afraid the number 6 has been delayed.
This is due in no small part to the driver being accidentally suffocated by a pirate wench with a pair of enormous... cannon.

Dear Mr Dreadful , Mr Ross and Bus spotters everywhere.

It appears the Number 6 has been held up in Wall Eyed Micks body shop as our intrepid piate wench ands bog snorkler took the opportunity to have a few creature comforts added while it was in for a quick touch up after the collision with the saucy Sue.

Apparently she is having a turbo sun bed, steam room and a mega super strength jacuzzi installed and refuses to leave the body shop until Brad Pitt arrives to launch her and break a bottle of champers over her curvy bits. Well to be honest she said something else but as it's bfore the water shed I cant really repeat it!

Something tells me it will be along shortly until then why not teach the ferrets strip scrabble, it worked a treat for me last time I was delayed in John Lennon airport, althought eh manager of the Mc donalds consession was less less then pleased.

Oh yes, I have the horn currently should I go with Beef and Tomato or chicken and mushroom?

Dai

Dear Mr Dreadful

My typing wjile less than perfect seems to have gone totally to pieces this morning as I attempt to multi task and combine work withh hootoo.

Which one should I ignore?

Dai

Good lord lads...

(arrives in to the bus station. exhausted, dumps 4 large suitcases, a sombraro (that's how they spell it in the carrribbbbean), 2 donkeys, 2 parrots,one with his beak taped up cos he's just the rudest little fecker you ever met and he tells terrible tales about me, none of which are true... it never happened, i can show you the evidence... a case of dreaded lurgy (well it was under the seat of the number 6 seems a shame to leave it there) a yo ho ho and a bottle of rum,...plonks down on the nearest bench and sighs)

Cripes... that was a nightmare..had to drive the shaggin bus from god knows where after the driver apparantly fainted.... he seemed to be having fun then he up and collapsed on me.... he's down the back of the bus now and he's gibbering something for the last few hours,a total plonker with no gumption.. i never drove a bus before
i decided to come home after i got my masters in pirathology....(yep. i passed guys, with flying colours.....we-ellll.. the examiner was quite cute and we kinda-sorta did a deal... anyway got my certificate, which is all that matters...)

i missed ya all terribly
brad turned out to be useless and boring
all he wanted to talk about was flower arranging and badminton..

i 'acked 'is head off wi me cutlass (from 30 paces off, you'd be so proud) and boiled his innards for supper

so i come back to you o great dreadful one for a bit of a lark and some help

what's a girl to do now?

d'ya like me new frock?
bit short?
bit lo cut?
come on be honest, i can take it..

aye be back