h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Apologies for jumping in Fishermen don't have friends.

Dear Dai,

Get roaring drunk and demand a re-test.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Sounds like a plan, I have started preperations and drinking already, should I contact the constabulary in advance and tip them off that I will be sailing under the influence on the high tide? Do you think I could claim a reward?

Dai

Dear Dai,

I see no reason why not.

Dear Mishhhtarrr D

Exchelent, now where did I leave mee carrier pidgins?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Last I heard Big Larry was feeding them to his polecats.

Dear Mishtarr Deeeee

Thish ish not good newshh, I hash to tip the constsbularry de wink on me hoigh toide shennanigans undar the anflueshh of incohol.

What wud ye advoisse?

Dai de diddly diddly Dai

Dear Dai,

Just conduct yourself in a disorderly fashion. Eventually an outraged citizen will report you.

Oi Dreadful,

I fort we ad an rangement. You'd keep stum abart the pigeons an I woodn't blab abart your dirty little habit. You'll pay for this, speshly if dat wooly back pirate cums lookin for is birds.

Big Larry
Polecat Paradiso

Dear Big Larry,

If'n ye go blabbin' about my dirty little habit I'll have ye gizzards for my tea. Arr! I'm not a pirate without means y'know.

50 squid, usual place, an al get Albert to wash your habit ready for your next visit.

Larry Laundry

It's a done deal. Arr!

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

My pirate wenchette has left me in charge of two pirate children whilst she goes off buckling swashes, pillaging, and the like. I am at a loss. Can you give me some recipes for children?

RF

Dear Mr Dreadful

Well thank gord for that, after copious amounts of falling down water complimented with donner, kish and any other kebab I could get my hands on I have been able to remove the stain on me piratical name over the caiught in charge of a poop deck while not under the influence.

As we sailed up the channel in an easterly direction I managed to collide with a number of vessels, 2 choruses of the beggars opera say "Your my mate you are" to the ships mate 14 times and still find it funny and still have time to blow in the constables little bag before passing out. My case comes up next week, Im so proud!

Of course the whole cunning plan organised with the precision of a Swiss watch nearly came to nowt thanks to the lack of carrier pigeons, so with that in mind I shall be taking action against all parties involved in their disappearence in typical piratical fashion.

My solicitors Grabbin Metoole and Pullitt will be in touch with the offending parties, and the crew aint at all pleased, dem pigeons was like family to some of me crusty sea dogs.

Before I go, got any recommendations of what to do with 15 men on a dead man's chest?

Dai Licious

Dear RF,

Fillet and skin the children.
Select the most tender cuts of meat (usually the thigh or rump) and lightly pan fry in butter with a hint of rosemary. Serve with boiled new potatoes, carrots and broccoli.

Dear Dai,

I'll have to think about exactly what to do with your fifteen men on a dead man's chest... I can tell you with utter certainty, however, that drink and the Devil did for the rest.

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Any progress on the 15 men on a dead mans chest situation?

Starting to get a bit of a problem as the dead man is starting to whiff a bit, and well as you can imagine with 15 men on his chest and not toilet facilities its not doing much for the neighbourhood.

Last night they had a party and sent out for pizza, as if that was'nt bad enough they then got into a frenzied game of Team Monopo;y and the fighting over who was going to be the racing car was a site to behold.

Dai

Dear Dai,

After much insomnia due to thinking about your problem I have come to the conclusion that the best thing to do is get another two dead men, then you'll have 5 men on each dead man's chest. If you embalm the bodies properly you should also eliminate the smell.

dear mr dreadful

arr my whenchette training is going well but i have a problem

my sputum has started drying up.

shall i start smoking again to bring it back?

Dear Hnicky,

No. Smoking is a filthy habit.

Ooh, that reminds me... fag break in ten minutes.