h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Hnicky,

Nope... trust me, I know from experience.

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

This is not a problem, but more of a cautionary tale for all your fellow

In a restaurant one day, a pirate was talking to the waiter. The waiter asked him, "Why do you have a peg leg?"

The pirate answered, "Back when I was sailing the seas, a big shark noticed me swimming one day and bit off me leg."

"Well, then how did you get the hook?" the waiter asked, pointing to the place where the pirate's left hand used to be.

The pirate responded, "Well, me crew and myself were engaged in a rough battle one day and me hand was cut off by a slimy coward's sword."

The waiter looked at the hook for a moment. "Well now I have to ask how you got the eye patch."

The pirate snarled, "I looked at a gull flying overhead in the harbour one day and it took a dump right in me eye."

The waiter was puzzled by this last explanation. "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "Well, first day with me hook."

RTC

Jesus fred, u killed em with that one...

i laughed heartily tho

or i would have, cept i think i know the fella you're talkin about..
oh. the hook..
still not that good with it u know

aye be, hooked

dear mr dreadful

Ive been told i may be better at talking like a pirate wench than ib with this chest infection.

Will this be a problem?

Dear Hnicky

It will now!

Dai (ducking head under parapet)

dear dai

didnt you say it?

ahem...(chewin gravel)

aaaaaaarrrrrrrite my luvvvvleeeee??

(holds up cutlass, which gleams in the light and looks along it's blade checkin for sharpness and other technical cutlass stuff, (passed exam earlier today..)


aye bee.....waitin on yer next move hharrrrnikity my pretteeee

dear mr dreadful

ive decieded to become a wenchette (occording to dai it is more classy than pirate wench).

is this a good career move?

Dear Hnicky,

Wenchette is a perfectly acceptable career move with a much wider range than pirate wench as you'll be allowed to do wenching for soldiers and gentlemen as well.

hmmmmmmph....

and dai would know about these things because.....???

dear mister dreadfell

can you help me? i've been praticing flingin me cutlass and i'm afraid I'm responsible for helping cap'n hookem (he of dastardly deeds and nasty lewd behaviour in the last week) to be detached from his head...
ooops

now i haven't told anyone yet..i'm hiding here in my hut with ugg, who wont stop chuckling ..... actually it was quite funny but i can't be seen to be laughing, seeing as i am devestated...my mentor, the one i look up to.. the one i learned stuff off

i would add that it was a nice throw and worry that in a freudian way, tho i protest my innocence and inexperience, that it may in fact have subconsciously been deliberate..


so my question is this
ugg wants to boil his head for brain soup..
what vegetables would best go with this tasty fare?

thanks

aye be, not that bothered bout murder and the like

Dear Aye Be,

I find that shallots, baby carrots and celery go very well in brain soup, with a little salt and black pepper to taste.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Im stuck in John Lennon Airport thanks to snow in Barcelona delaying my flight and while I have discovered an internet connection Im pretty bored as it does not allow downloading of certain materail and there is no Dixons in the security area where I can browse the latest electrical items at knock down prices.

I have however made some new friends in the form of 2 potential piratical nymphettes and we are trying to think of something to do to pass the time as the security personel objected when we set up the travel Twister mat and began warming up the baby oil.

Can you suggest something suitable to provide entertainment while we wait?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Does one of the shops in the airport have Travel Scrabble available? If so the nymphette wenches and yourself will have hours of fun trying to make rude words.

Tempt them with a demonstration of your scouse making capablilties, never known to have failed......

Oh and BTW don't under any circumstances try anything violent, illegal, shady, twofaced or funny; they will have been there done and it and be better at it than you, they make lousy pirates, untrainable.

Sorry Mr D thought I detected a fellow traveller heading into difficult waters.....

Dear Mistur dreadful

would it be ok to add a little curry powder? just a tad? they do like their soup hot here... wot u described sounded a bit like betty's 'ot pot and while i know it to be unbeatable in flavour..it is currently off the list of things that are advisable to eat, because of the Sudan 1 scare...

mind u i hve been to the Sudan and i was scared...so i dont blame them

and a few people have been asking where he is... capn hookem that is.. namely his wife...actually she's practically camped on me doorstep since last wednesday, for other reasons i can't really talk about without crying, and i'm getting worried that she doesn't believe my 'tomato sauce exploded all down my this dress' story..

i dont want u involved, but a little advice as to what to do next would be gratefully accepted... or u mister ross...i'm delighted to see u back


aye-be....this dress-ed..

Mr Dreadful is currently out of the office due to an extreme case of Lurgy .
Normal Agony Pirate Service will resume shortly! (hopefully tomorrow)

Dear Mrs Dreadful

I had a case of Lurgy once, it's no joke, I found I had no where to put it as the ships store room was stacked high with cases of diaorreagh.

In the interim and to potentially give a female perspective to the page would you be able to deputise? I'm still recovering from my air port kerfuffle and unfortunately did not manage to make it back to the internet point in time to benefit from the advice Mr D and others left for me.

Dai

dear mrs dreadful...

please tell him we are most concerned bout the Lurgy
it's not pleasant..

i do have a rather fetching white leather nurses' outfit i can lend u but it's custom made for me double zeds... 2 good sized well plumped sofa cushions should do the trick..!!

if you do want it it's in the cupboard behind the door in the spare room in my house...key under the bucket outside back door..

otherwise, i have a cure for the Lurgy..
consists of the afflicted sitting on the garage roof for an hour...with a length of hosepipe, two bottles of poítín, bag o spuds and a pound of jelly babies..

but it works, it works it really does.. if u need further details let me know

aye be .. still hiding out in hut ..ugg has taken mrs hookem off for a beer-can buttie.. might venture out as far as the gangplank later..

Dear Mrs Dreadful,

Please arrange to return the case of extreme Lurgy immediately. I am surprised and a little dissapointed that a well trusted agony uncle could whip it away without me seeing. The case of Lurgy had been maturing nicely in my cellar for some years. It had started as quite common, advanced to nasty after a while and has now achieved extremeness as Mr Dreadful will no doubt testify. If there's any left please leave it under the usual seat on the No 6 bus.

WA