h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Aye Be,

'Fraid I can't help you with the big end problem, y'see I'm a married man and... oh, wait, you meant as in CARS.
Still can't help as I only know about ship maintenance (which reminds me, I need to take the ol' brigantine in to be de-barnacled).

As for the mountains of clutter, you need to learn to be more ruthless with your stuff... you'd be amazed at the crap you throw out which only a couple of weeks ago you decided to keep 'just in case'.

Definitely go to Barbados... debauching on a tropical island is one of the requirements for being a pirate wench.

Dear ReddyFreddy,

It certainly does, owls are extremely easy to embarrass.

dear mr dreadful

this is a serious problem.

im in pain.

its in my mouth, in my gums at the top at the back.
i can feel hard sharp bits coming through my gum.
it hurts
especially when i eat
what can i do?

yours in pain

Go see a dentist. Sounds like wisdom teeth coming through.

RF

thats what my parents said but im scared of dentists
i havent been for about 6 years and what if they tell me i need loads of fillings?

im over 19 too will it be expensive?

If it's wisdom teeth, they won't need fillings. All he'll do is check that they're coming through straight. If they're not, he may do something to correct that (although I've no idea what ) or remove them.

You being a student, you shouldn't have to pay anything.

RF

but what if he checks my other teeth?

im over 18 though. you lose nhs at 18 for perscriptions and opticians so i assumed its same for dentists?

...Then find a nice friendly parental unit to foot the bill!

RF

Stop being a wimp and go and get them sorted. You'll suffer if you don't and then we'll all say WE TOLD YOU SO but in a nice friendly sort of way.

Dear Mr D

Well teh coffee went down a treat, especially as oi made it Oirish and went throug a bottle of Bushmills finest at the same time, so good in fact I passed out shortly therafter and have just recovered conciousness with a stiff neck and a very messy desk.

Anyhoo back to rality and your excellent column, (Nelson has a nice one in London I believe) can I ask your opinion on soft furnishings? Are they a necessary evil these days or something to be considered seriously for the modern household?

Many thanks

Dai

Dear Hnicky,

Yep, sounds like wisdom teeth... it's annoying but something you have to put up with. If they do grow crooked make sure you look after them really well otherwise you may need extraction (don't worry though, if you're really nervous they'll probably give you valium)... I speak from experience! Many dentists allow exemption from NHS fees, not sure if students qualify though.

Dear Dai,

In this age of minimalist styles soft furnishings are a great boon... Mmm... comfortable...

Dear Mr D

As usual you have come up trumps, Im off to the local Dekko right away to sample their wares.

In this minimalist time do you think taupe still has a place in the modern area of comfortable soft furnishings?

Dai

Dear mistur

Thanks for your kind thoughts re: all that.. i am now happily ensconced on an island in the sun..i've been practicing my wench-speak and it's comin on a rare treat arrr.... polly has helped immeasurably.

before i left i found 3 ruths in my back room closet.they had been living there for about 2 months, cluttering up my house..so it wasn't me atal atal..this may have been my problem all along...(not being ruthless ner ner).. i have now gotten rid and i can see the improvement immediately

however
i still have problems..you dont get rid of me that easy, no suree

my problem today is that i am sitting on a deserted island, drinking grog by the gallon, i have these bronzed males waiting on me hand and foot, personal gourmet chef and masseuse....
apart from my lesson on 'useful things to do with a cutlass' at 3pm i have nothing to do.....

is it unusual to be unhappy with this?

aye be just a tad restless

Dear Aye Be,

Not at all, you need to fill your day a bit more.

Having looked at the Pirate Correspondance College prospectus I would recommend the following courses:
Slapping Randy Pirates in the Face - History and methods.
Cleaning Parrot Droppings from your Best Frock.
Practical Ship Building for Beginners
101 Things to do with a Flintlock Pistol
Advanced Wenching

aaaaahhhhh dreadful my prettieeee
you arrrr full o cunning plaaaaans.. (impressed?)
tho i believe i sound less essex and slightly more caaaarnwoll..

ne'er moind

i've taken up advanced wenching.. 'ard work but lotsa fun.
i dont believe i'll ever need to build me own ship, and polly wears a nappy.not that bothered bout randy pirates..actually they have their uses..
there was also an evening class in deck scrubbing for wenches, but after one class i realised that the crafty sod that was giving the class was actually only qualified in car mechanics and had a particular penchent for big ends...so i got out of that one fairly quick.. i only shows thaaat to them as wot deserves it ..

sitting here with my self help book on flintlock pistols now and funny...there's been nobody about atal atal since last time it went off.. well it wasn't really planned.. it kind of went off in me 'and..

thanks...what would i do without u


oh and you can tell albert that i miss him and whilst goin thru an old desk i found a file with a cake in it... .bit musty, but i think that was what he was lookin for

i've posted it to him

aye be.

hate scrubbin anyways

Dear Aye Be,

As usual: Glad to be of service.

Dear Mr D

Well what a kerfuffle at the local Dekko yesterday, I was totally caught on the top to find they had pulled a suprise sale morning with out telling anyone after the hoo haa at the Ikea opening in London, the place was frantic with interior designers fainting and pulling each others hair out in a bid to snap up the numerous bargains on offer. I think I'll go back to the piratical ways much quieter and stabler compared to the workld of interior design, its a jungle out there!

Anyway Dawn rose early this morning, (nice girl Dawn I met her last Saturday in the Ferret and Trumpet, you'd like her, has the makings of a great pirate wench and still got her own teeth, she keeps them in a bag tied round her neck) and popped downstairs to make a cup of char to find that the long life milk was off and growing a cure for some as yet on known disease on its surface.

Just how long is the life of long life milk, and how do they get it to live so long?

Dai

(still waiting for his cuppa and choclate hob nob)

Dear Dai,

Long life milk can live for up to two weeks if looked after properly. It is so long lived because it doesn't drink, doesn't smoke and goes to bed early every night.

Dear Mr Dreadful.

What is the point of a long life if it doesn't drink, doesn't smoke and goes to bed early every night? What does it do to fill the time?

Dai