h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Here I am to answer all your problems... any issues you have with life, the universe and everything will be solved! Problems relating to Piracy will be doubly solved!

Disclaimer: I accept no responsibility for any bad stuff that results from people following my advice.

Hello Mr Dreadful,

My question is this:

Which Sixties album cover features the band dressed as undertakers, conducting a funeral?

Cheers, Icy

Dear Icy North.

It seems you are labouring under the misapprehension that this is thread is a quest for knowledge rather than a slightly dodgy agony column. This is caused by that fact that my initial posting was about a clear as some really opaque mud.

To actually answer your question: I haven't a clue. I can visualise the picture but I can't think of which band did it.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I'm finding piracy increasingly difficult thanks to the current NHS guidelines regarding artificial limbs. It is becoming ever more problematic to recruit a crew with hooks for hands, peg-legs and eye-patches given the current propensity for realistic artificial limbs and glass eyes. And don't get me started on the european courts view on corporal punishment - no more flogging, plank walking or keel hauling - how am I to keep discipline?

Your's frustratedly,

Pirate Moose

No worries, mate.

Just thought I'd post something to see what happened.

What are your agony aunt credentials, btw?

Dear Pirate Moose,

Your problems in finding artificial limbs can easily be solved with a quick trip to Ikea. A purchase of coffee tables and coat hangers will provide you with a great many peglegs and hook hands and a knock-down price. Eye patches are occasionally available in Christmas crackers.

The capital punishment issue is a tricky one... I would recommend filming it and then selling it to Channel 4 as the latest reality TV sensation. You can get away with practically anything that way.


Arrr!

Dear Icy North,

My credentials are as follows:
I have the ability to cause agony and I have an aunt.

Well that sounds pretty convincing to me.

Just one further question. Should I devote my life to good or evil?

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I am a quiet unassuming large seabird who's hobbies include eating ferrets and badgering badgers when I can trap the little b*ggers. Does this indicate a mispent yuff.

Yours sincerely,
Albert Ross VD. CDM and bar.

It's almost entirely impossible to mispend a yuff. I'd recommend converting into dollars andspending it before the world at large relises that a dollar isn't worth the paper it's printed on.

Noggin

Dear Icy North,

You should base the decision on the following statement: The Devil has all the best tunes but God has all the best choreographers.

A life of good deeds may lead to health, wealth and happiness but evil can get you those things a lot quicker.

Dear Albert Ross

Having never had a 'yuff' myself I couldn't possibly know how one should or should not spend it. I can, however, tell you that badgering badgers is a perfectly normal and healthy passtime. After all, why else would they be called badgers if one wasn't supposed to badger them.

Try telling that to the lesser cormorant, or shag.

Has anybody seen Nogs credentials ?

Dear Mr Dreadful

I keep dreaming my gf is pregnant. What does this mean?

Yours

Confused of Broodyville

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

How do I?

RF

Dear Confused,

There are three possbile reasons why you keep dreaming this:

1. Your girlfriend is pregnant in a parallel universe
2. You secretly want kids.
3. Your girlfriend secretly wants kids and is psychically transmitting the message directly to you subconscious.

Option three is the most likely, I would recommend looking in the attic to find her psychic invasion machine and destroy it while you still can.

Congratulations, it's a boy!

Dear ReddyFreddy,

What you need to do is this:
Take the blood of a griffin, the salvia of a basilisk, the tears of a dragon and the trimmings from a Dryad's lady garden. Boil it all together and drink while hot.

This will not achieve anything but it sounds like you need a hobby.

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

What should I call this hobby?

RF

Dear Mr Dreadful

I am married, two kids, getting on, nice house, car, two holidays a year, pension in good shape, great credit rating, stand up kind of guy in the community, do charity work, am god fearing, pick up my litter and keep the garden tidy.
I am happy though to throw it all away for a week on a dessert island with four bisexual long haired nymphomaniac Playboy Bunnies with huge immense ginormous breasts dressed only in tarty slutty underwear and a gallon of baby oil.

Should I vote Liberal Democrat?