h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear ReddyFreddy,

There is no modern name for this activity but in Medieval times they called it "witchcraft" and occasionally "medicine".

Dear Doctor,

Definitely vote Liberal Democrat. If any political party will recognise your right to throw away your life for a week of guilt-free frolics it will be the Lib Dems.

Actually getting them into power is another issue entirely.

Dear Mr Dreadful

My friend keeps telling me he has four bisexual long haired nymphomaniac Playboy Bunny friends with huge immense ginormous breasts dressed only in tarty slutty underwear and a gallon of baby oil, and has offered to buy me an air ticket to go away with them.

Do you think Yeading will beat Newcastle?

Dear Doctor,

I'm not sure who Yeading and Newcastle are but if Yeading has a big enough stick his chances of beating Newcastle will be greatly increased.


Remember to take a parachute.

Dear Mr. dreadful,

Thank you. Now I know what to tell my friends when they ask about my new hobby.

Wait a minute...I don't have any friends.

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

Where can I get some friends?

RF

Dear ReddyFreddy,

Go out with a rifle loaded with tranquiliser darts. Anybody you can bring down and get home without being noticed is your friend by default as you voluntarily let them into your house.

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

Thank you for all your helpful advice. I'm now off to http://www.tranquiliserguns'r'us.com to do a bit of shopping.

RF

Dear Mr Dreadful

I keep getting kids banging on my front door and running away. This happened gain to me last night for the umpteenth time, so I threw the door open to be confronted not by young street urchins but by four bisexual long haired nymphomaniac Playboy Bunny friends with huge immense ginormous breasts dressed only in tarty slutty underwear and a gallon of baby oil. Without so much as a by your leave, they ripped my clothes off, dragged me into the bushes where all five of us made wild violent passionate love to each other for several hours.
I am thinking it is a change in the Jehovahs Witness tactics and it disturbs me greatly.

Should I get a real or fake Christmas tree?

Dear ReddyFreddy,

I'm glad to have helped make your life that little bit more complete.

Dear Doctor,

Get a fake christmas tree. It won't leave needles on the floor and you'll still have it when you're a bitter old man who threw away his comfortable home life for a passionate frolic with a group of fantasy women.

Round our way the Jehovah's Witnesses use nothing more exciting than pamphlets. I think these may have been an extremist splinter group.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I have dispatched some yuffs to you, by courier, under plain covers, the paisely duvets don't travel too well. Spend them wisely because they rapidly inflate and a yuff in the hand is worth approximately 6 Euro's.

I took your advice regarding badgering and my anxiety has subsided somewhat despite the man from the council serving an ASBO on me.

My question is should a ferret be served trousered or au naturelle.

Yours sincerely,
Albert Ross, VD, CDM and scar.

Dear Albert Ross,

The best way to serve a ferret is on a bed of roasted root vegetables with garlic butter. If you are going to serve it with trousers you should shred the trousers into strips no longer than and inch long, boil in red wine and reduce until nice and thick.

The traditional method for serving ferret is with deep fried trousers and an oven baked rubber boot. Over the years the recipe has been corrupted to placate the animal rights groups and is now called 'Beef Wellington'.

If, however, the ferret is the customer (and is therefore having something served *to* him) it is sensible for you to be au naturelle as even the most sophisticated ferret cannot resist his racial urges and if you are wearing trousers he will run up the leg.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Thank you for your advice. I agree thay can be tricky, twitchy, rodenty things and in some quarters serving them is frowned upon. I remember my old mum saying to me to make sure I kept my bike clips on especially after a night out in a curry house, but also when walking through long grass. Anyway I digress, nice though it is.

My question is why do I feel the urge to assume the foetal position every time a ferret shoots up my drain pipes

ps The boss doesn't allow me to wear my bike clips at work.

Yours sincerely,
Albert Ross, VD, CDM and Scar.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

As a pirate, I find I'm regularly mocked for my Yorkshire accent whereas all the successful pirates have Cornish accents, is there any way around this problem?

Moosey Pirate

Dear Albert,

This urge is due to the body's natural desire to protect itself from the virulent disease Ferretus Ferrus. This causes the sufferer to beleive they are an iron ferret and the only preventative is to curl up into a ball.

It also offers some degree of protection to your nether regions.

Dear Moosey Pirate,

Yes, kill all Cornish pirates. That'll teach those scurvy dogs to mock thy accent!

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Thank you for your advice but I do detect a little over familiarity creeping into our correspondance. As my old mum used to say never trust an agony aunt with warm hands she may have had them in your pockets and mine have got holes in them. But I digress could you please revert to Mr Ross or the slightly more familiar Mr Albert Ross will suffice, just. I should hate to have to report you to the Office for Fair Wet Shouldering or OFFWET. I am sure it will not come to that.

I digress again, whoops, sorry. No it can't be ferretus ferrus because the boss makes us take tablets and wear bonbons, or that's what it sounded like. However I have noticed a little discolouration around my crotch when bathing. My question is could this be iron balls and will it go away. It only happens in winter and a couple of brass monkeys that I asked about it in the cafe next door just laughed.

Albert Ross Esq,
VD, CDM and scar.

Dear Mr. Ross

Glad to have helped you. Sorry about my 'busy hands'.

Dear Dr Dreadful

This used to be a popular question on H2G2;

Where can I find some Nice Friendly Girls? (NFGs)

Dear Mr D. Readful

I am worried about Crime and disorder on my middle England estate where I live. We are currently living in fear becuase there has been a big escalation of car theft, shed rustling and turf nicking. I have had my car radio stolen three times, my bike twice and our beloved pedigree whippet has gone along with the TV arial off the roof. Even the paperboy wears a bullet proof vest and they move in groups of three for their own protection.
Even just last night, I heard a kerfuffle downstairs in the small hours.
Went downstairs to be confronted by not one, not two, not even four but EIGHT blonde bisexual long haired nymphomaniac Playboy Bunnies with huge immense ginormous breasts dressed only in tarty slutty underwear and a gallon of baby oil nicking my TV.
Thye dragged me under the stairs, tied me up and had their foul, wicked and evil way for a whole month before the wife found and rescued me.

Should I go on the Atkins diet or just go down the gym more?