h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Ged,

Abandon hope now. Girls who are both nice and friendly don't exist.

Try a spot of badgering. I took Mr Dreadful's advice and it worked wonders for me. Shame about the ferrets though and watch his hands like a hawk.

Dear Doctor,

I would suggest going to the gym more often. Working out will make you all studly and buffed but the Atkins diet will just leave you skinny and smelly.

I would also suggest moving house, there appears to be a severe nymphomania problem down your way.

You mean i've wasted the last few years!


okay, what about a really deep question:

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Dear Ged,

The common or garden Woodchuck usually averages 14oz (350g) per hour.

Dear Mr Dreadful

For some time now I have been hanging arround with a really weird crowd and am finding more and more strange things are happening to me, should I leave for pastures new or stay and see what happens?

Confused of Powys

Dear Mr. Dreadful,

How can I tell whether an agony aunt is reliable?

Yours,

RFJS__.

I can vouch for Mr Deadfull. He cured me of my badgering habits. Mind you his hands do tend to wander, but that doesn't make him a bad person.
Albert Ross Esq.,
VD, CD and Scar

Dear Confused,

I would recommend hanging around with the wierdos for a little longer. They may do something interesting, and even if they don't you can always steal their shoes.

Dear RFJS_,

The reliability of an agony aunt can be ascertained using three criteria.
1. The quality of advice given.
2. How many people find their lives have improved due to the advice given.
3. The ability of the agony aunt to command respect in a bunch of vicious seadogs after a long voyage.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Why is it so much easier to solve other people's problems than your own?

Dear Spinks,

This would be due to the fact that it is easier to observe other people's problems from a purely neutral stance. I myself have no problems at all that cannot be solved with the application of grog and finding lots of treasure.

Ain't I great?

Dear Mr Dreadful,
As an aknowledged expert on the ways of the sea can you please tell me why we never hear of the ship's dog. It's always the bl**dy ship's cat. After a long maritime career spent mainly on the Royal Iris, aka the fish and chip boat, I have never seen a sea going cat. Badger yes but cat no.
Mr Albert Ross,
VD, CDM and Scar
3 Leylandii Mews

Dear Mr. Ross,

The reason why you never hear of a ship's dog is because when you're at sea it becomes difficult to take them for walkies and they get terriblt sea sick. Cats on the other hand adapt very well to the naval life. Take Mr. Snuggles (my ship's cat) for example. There has never been a more vicious and evil creature in the history of the world (and that includes Cliff Richard), we tried to keel-haul him once... he came up with a great white shark in his mouth.

Me-OW!

Dear RJFS,

I can vouch for the efficacy of Mr. Dreadful's advice. Before I wrote to him I had no hobby and no friends. I now have a hobby (witchcraft) and some friends on the couch. They don't do much, though, as I have to shoot them with the tranquiliser gun every time they regain consciousness, because they try to leave.

RF

Dear Mister

My 3 friends and i, (members of the 'dont worry if your boobs are too big to be humanly possible, someone out there will still love you someday' society) have been held captive by this wierd bloke who seemed to shoot some class of a dart at us as we were on our way to the airport to get our plane back to the sunny palm island in the pacific where we live in a blissfully hedonistic way, dressed in tarty slutty underwear.... we were only here for a replenishment of Johnsons, which you can't get on Sunny Palm..

he has us in his living room and he has engaged one of my friends in a rather wierd activity in the living room, .. every time we look like we are going to leave he leaps up and shoots us again..
i'm only in here on my hand held, which i had shoved down my thigh boot, whilst in the loo... he'll be looking for me in a minute...

he thinks we're his friends...
for the love of........i think he's outside the door again...
he's opening the door...he ......zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Dear Mr dreadful

As Christmas time approaches I find it difficult to handle the situation of what to do on Christmas day. Some people like to stuff a turkey, some
go with doing something else with various fowl, while personally I have up to now found a joint sees me through to well past the Queens speech.

Can you suggest some alternatives?

Dear Mr D

At weekends, my name is Samantha. Should I run as parliamentary candidate for the Conservative Party?

yeah, but do you inhale the turkey? cos it's a different experience if you do and could see you till well past willie wonka.....

Dear I.B.

As ReddyFre... errr... your captor has kindly let you into his house it would be bad etiquette to leave before being asked. Try making a cup of tea as that may diffuse the situation somewhat.