A Conversation for Ask Mr. Dreadful
Ask Mr. Dreadful
Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Teuchter,
Try littering the floor around your chair with cushions. Not only will they protect you from most impacts but if tastefully chosen they will create an interesting talking point for people who visit.
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Heleloo - Red Dragon Incarnate Posted Dec 10, 2004
dear mr D
I tried the chun bit a while ago, but it really made me let off in the most dreadful of way, I have never seen a room clear so fast after 'dropping my guts' so to speak, an it really is too soft, might be alright for toothless old grannies, but I really, really really, like to sink my teeth inti a meal, an gnaw on the bones of the oppostion I will however give the shampoo a go, although my water bill will go through the roof, have you any idea how long it takes to shampoo a whole body? let alone a rinse an condition cycle?
oh and what about the rolling in the large oiled baby thing ..... not too over the top, but maybe a bit cheaper?
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Hel,
Large , while enjoyable, will not help your condition one bit as excitement can worsen skin conditions. Oiled babies are extremely slippery, especially when they start to fidget. Handling oiled babies is inadvisable anyway as you will get strange looks and people will accuse you of being a paediatrician.
As for the water bill, try tapping into your neighbours' supply.
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Heleloo - Red Dragon Incarnate Posted Dec 10, 2004
mm now's there's a thought
on the oiled baby bit, the slide down well with a nice chilled chianti
thank you for you helpful advice and support, but the sun will be up soon, and we all know how unhealthy THAT can be to us delicate sorts, ay wot? so I am of to my silk lined coff....er... bed in a very deep dark (read: blackout curtains in a surburban street) hole/ crypt
see you tomorrow? yes we will the dearies, cheerio, and toddle pip pip!
tally hoe
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Glad to be of service.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
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DaveBlackeye Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
I have to organise an electromagnetic compatibility test in order to certify some data communications equipment. The static magnetic field test is really troubling me. Will a linearly increasing field rising by 20 A/m/s to 2000A/m peak cause error rates of more than 32bits/second in a 2048kbps serial data stream using quadrature pulse code modulation at levels of 30mA and 2.4V peak over a double-screened cable with 4 individually screened conductor pairs and 24AWG conductors? What error correction technique do I need to use to reduce the error rate?
What size of bolts do I need to stop the equipment simply floating away?
TIA,
DB
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear DB,
Errr... what?
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Propotnik Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr Dreadful,
I have decided to cut my losses and become a pirate but am experiencing great difficulty in finding a jolly roger (which I believe is a vital piece of equipment). Will any roger suffice? Any tips on how to make a standard roger jolly? Are there any health and safety hazards involved in hoisting non-jolly rogers?
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Ask Mr. Dreadful
Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Propotnik,
There are a great many hazards associated with hoisting non-Jolly Rogers, not least of which is the fact that attempting to hoist a Roger who isn't Jolly will only worsen his mood and he may try to hit you. All the greatest pirates didn't have this problem as they killed the Rogers first (hence the skull and crossed bones motif).
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Propotnik Posted Dec 10, 2004
Hmmm. I don't think I could kill a roger. Is there a market perhaps for non-confrontational pirates? Maybe piracy isn't for me...
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Propotnik,
There is indeed a place for non-confrontational pirates. It's called the Inland Revenue.
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Dai the Death, "My other sink's a Porsche" Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr Dreadful.
I have a friend called Roger who is normally very jolly, but on reading the latest additions to your agony aunt column (LIke Nelson's but the way its going bigger) he has locked himself in a dark cupboard and sworn not to come out until Shrove Tuesday.
What can I do to reassure him and return his previous jolliness?
Dai Laffin
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Dai,
I'll have a word with the well-oiled Playboy bunnies. They should have been rescued by now.
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WanderingAlbatross - Wing-tipping down the rollers of life's ocean. Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr Dreadful,
Typical you wait for hours for a No 6 and then two come at once, nice. I was bl**dy freezing by then, those pink mules might look the dogs b**locks but do they keep your tootsies warm, no they don’t, I can tell you and the soft danglee bits were in full retreat what with no ferrets to snuggle up to. Anyway, I digress so along comes the bus and the conductor takes one look and begins to throw a hissy fit. Oi aint you that revert wot upset the coppers Aunty Edna. Doun yis think yer can come on this ere bus an flash your furry bits all over the place. Gerd yer, clear oorft. Have a nice day too I’m sure, I quipped quick as a flash, I hope your Mum gets her caught in the mangle and the handle falls off. That told him I thought.
Anyway I digress, well along comes the next No 6 and I asked if they stopped at the Pier Head and the clippie said well dear there’ll be a bl**dy big splash if we don’t and mmmm love the mules they really set off that paisley pattern. Where Did you buy it, tell tell. Come on dear hop on. Well was I relieved, I can tell you, all the way to the café and a peck on the cheeks to go.
Disaster, while I’d been away at Her Majesty’s pleasure, lucky old majesty that’s what I say, not only have the badgers eaten the ferrets but the boss has turned the café into a polecat dancing bar. Polecats everywhere with floosies rubbing their bits all over the polecats, yeruck, what a mess and what’s more it’s my job to keep the pole cats clean.
My question is how do you keep polecats clean and are they likely to catch anything from the floosies (oh and what’s the phone number of that nice conductor with the blonde hair and blue eyes that have a wistful…I know stop bl**dy digressing)
Yours sincerely,
Albert Ross Esq.
VD, CDM and Scar
Big Larry’s Polecat Paradise
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr. Ross,
I find that Jif, applied gently using a brillo pad is most efficatious for removing stubborn stains from 95% of all known polecats.
The only way to be sure of not contracting a disease from the floosies is to wear a bio-suit and bathe in disinfectant.
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WanderingAlbatross - Wing-tipping down the rollers of life's ocean. Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr Dreadful,
Where can I buy twenty disinfectant resistant polecat bio-suits at this time on a Friday afternoon.
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Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr. Ross,
Have you tried Top Man? Failing that you could nick them from a research lab.
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Teuchter Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr Dreadful
I heard tell that the well-oiled Playboy bunnies used to have a Jolly Roger.
In fact, I've often had a Jolly Roger myself.
I've taken your advice about the cushions around the chair - but do you think laughing this much will damage my insides?
Yours,
Bruised and Amused
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Dai the Death, "My other sink's a Porsche" Posted Dec 10, 2004
Dear Mr D
My friend Roger still wil not come out of the closet? Should I tempt him with a piece of cheese?
If so what would you recommend? gouda, Stilton? Cheddar or a runny Brie?
Dai Laffin
Key: Complain about this post
Ask Mr. Dreadful
- 121: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 122: Heleloo - Red Dragon Incarnate (Dec 10, 2004)
- 123: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 124: Heleloo - Red Dragon Incarnate (Dec 10, 2004)
- 125: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 126: DaveBlackeye (Dec 10, 2004)
- 127: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 128: Propotnik (Dec 10, 2004)
- 129: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 130: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 131: Propotnik (Dec 10, 2004)
- 132: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 133: Dai the Death, "My other sink's a Porsche" (Dec 10, 2004)
- 134: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 135: WanderingAlbatross - Wing-tipping down the rollers of life's ocean. (Dec 10, 2004)
- 136: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 137: WanderingAlbatross - Wing-tipping down the rollers of life's ocean. (Dec 10, 2004)
- 138: Mr. Dreadful - But really I'm not actually your friend, but I am... (Dec 10, 2004)
- 139: Teuchter (Dec 10, 2004)
- 140: Dai the Death, "My other sink's a Porsche" (Dec 10, 2004)
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