h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr Dreadful

A few years ago I began noticing a worrying trend in my life, after comsumming copious quantities of alcohol, I suddently became attracted to any person who was within a ears shot of the stool at the bar, also, I began sufferening neurological problems with my legs.
It was about only six month before this became notible that I accidentally went into a fast food chain that I can only here refer to as 'MC Dona's', is this related to my predicment? and does it explain the strange perosd periods of memory loss I often experiance?

Confussed of the 'Flying pig'

Dear I.B,

The commandoes (in both senses of the word) should be arriving shortly.

Dear RFJS_,

Communing with the fieldmice will reveal the deepest secrets of the universe.


Disclaimer: Communing with fieldmice may not reveal any secrets.

Dear Confussed,

These people you are meeting at the bar are secret agents working for the MC Dona's Corporation of Ameriworld. They have been spiking your drink with a nerve agent which compels you to go to MC Dona's and eat McProcessed Cheese 3/4 Pounders (now with Meat!). Any attempts to do anything else seem like drunkenness as your body is basically on autopilot and the conflicts within your neural pathways make things very difficult indeed.

The memory loss may be alcohol related.

Mr Dreadful,

Pirates like you should be ashamed. I put a great deal of effort into building my ship and the thought that individuals like you see nothing wrong with copying and distributing it illegally makes my blood boil.

Yours fumingly etc

Dear Propotnik,

Despite what the government and the Federation Against Ship Theft (FAST) tells the public our copies are very high quality. Plus they're a lot cheaper than your 'genuine' ships.

Get chore Brigantines! Two fer a tenner!

Dear Mr Dreadful

How do I cook a seagul, and what should I serve with it?

Yours in expectance

Odo

Dear Odo,

Seagull should be lightly pan fried in butter and served with green salad, new potatoes, garlic mayonnaise and a couple of slices of ciabatta. A dry white wine is the perfect accompanymant to the dish.


You should never, under any circumstances, kill and cook an albatross.

Be very, very careful.................................

why, are we hunting wabbits?

Wascally wabbits?

what's up Doc?

oh an while we're at it, can you explain my sudden dislike of the sun, and these flaky bits of skin I keep finding between my fan....er.....teeth?

Dear Hel,

You have what we in the trade call Very Annoying Metamorphosis Problem Itself Resulting In Sunlight Mega-loathing or Vampirism for short. The only cure is to have an insane German stick a large pointy bit of wood into your chest.

oh really,

*picks a bit from between teeth*

just as well I live along way from Germany then

well I really must be going now, I smell something rather metallic an yummy wafting from over the back fence

BTY where would I be able to find you? (just in case I need a private consultaion you understand)

can't have this getting out, now, can we?

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for not shopping me to the badgers in that other thread. You are a love. I could kiss you, mmmwaa. You were probably wondering what I was doing hanging around such a sleazy dive wrapped in a paisley patterned duvet and pink fluffy mules. I agree. The mules did clash but Nigel said that if anybody could carry it off it was me. So there.

Well, nice though the secure unit was, especially on Nigel’s ward, he’s the one with kind, grey eyes and bedside manner, whoops but I digress, the thought of a ferret free Christmas was a tad worrying. The psychologist lady, the one who had the keys to the canvas bed jacket that some nitwit had attached the arms all wrong, said that once the medication kicked in I would forget the ferrets. Can you imagine life without those little twitchy noses sniffing around your nether regions. Silly woman, just goes to show how standards are slipping in the NHS or was is HMP, who cares.

The dirty linen cart was a teensy weenie bit whiffy and some of the sheets were a little bit stiff but who cares. It was warm and damp in places and good ole Nige got me into the laundry truck with his chummy Jules. It was only when I was checking if Jules had any ferrets on him that he opened the passenger door and let me out. Thirty miles an hour isn’t that fast and the duvet did stop some of the gravel rash. Up yours you twisted mucker must be a local way of saying bye, bye.

Now, my question, where do I get a Number 6 around here because I’ve got to get back to the café.

Albert Ross Esq.
VD, CDM and Scar
3rd Cubicle
Victoria Conveniences
James St.

If ye needs to find me matey, keep an eye out for the Saucy Susan docking at Port Royale.

Dear Mr. Ross,

Your nearest bus stop is just outside the newsagents round the corner, the Number 6 stops every 15 minutes.

will do then fella me ladmmmmmmm

did someone mention ferrets?

oh Mr D
any recommendations for glossy fur?, you see a few months (and threads) ago I was turned into a wereferret, and every full moon, when I change I seem to get really itchy skin, I have tried taking fish oil, which although really yummy, leaves a sort of lemony aftertaste with no success, and since I have increased my iron intake lately (well blood will do that), I have become all sheddy and scratchy, which is sort of making all my work collegues really nervous , so what would you reccomend?

Eating a really oily person, or rolling in the 4 rather nubile, long haired nymphomaniac playboy bunnies with rather large dressed only in tarty slutty underwear and smothered in the oil of many babies?

Dear Hel,

Pedigree Chum helps build strong teeth, a glossy coat and leaves you full of vitality. T-Gel shampoo can help the skin condition.

Dear Mr Dreadful

I have been following this thread and have fallen off my seat laughing several times.

Should I be concerned for my health?

Yours sincerely

Bruised but Amused