h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Dai,

Have you ever considered a liquid diet?

Dear The Doctor,

Yes, definitely. What you need to do is get into a position of authority within the party (Chancellor of the Exchequer, for example) and then leave a briefcase full of photos of you as Samantha on a train, the publicity will destroy your career but you will be very well known.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz whaaaa? eh? oh .erm..hmmmm.. nice... do that again... zzzzzzzzzzzz tea....yes...nice cup of tea....always makes everything better..zzzzzzz... again again...

dear mr dreadful
i have this problem
can you help?
i dont like talking about it so please help me
hnicky

Dear Mr Dreadful

I have tried lunch of such a variety, however I found that the required intakes of liquid to get me sufficiently through the lunch period necessited frequent trips to the lavatory meaning I missed the good bits in El Cid.

Can you suggest a solution?

Dai

Dear Hnicky,

If you don't like talking about it why don't you try writing a song or a novel? You never know, if your problem is sufficiently interesting it may become a number one hit or an international best seller.

As your agony aunt I demand 30% of the royalties.

Dear Dai,

Go to the hospital and have a catheter fitted.

Dear Mr Dreadful

I wish to register a complaint. I live in Esher and vote tory and read the Daily Mail and have never watched Channel 4 IN MY LIFE never mind that filthy smutty Channel 5, but what do I find when I come in here all innocent for a light read in my lunch break? NUMEROUS mentions of blonde bisexual long haired nymphomaniac Playboy Bunnies with huge immense ginormous breasts dressed only in tarty slutty underwear covered in a gallon of baby oil.

WHAT IS GOING ON? I then find references to "Herbal", transvestitism, vast amounts of alcohol and then - horror of horrors - I find one of the aforementioned blonde bisexual long haired nymphomaniac Playboy Bunnies with huge immense ginormous breasts dressed only in tarty slutty underwear and a gallon of baby having the nerve to post here complaining that somebody is shooting her with drugged darts and doing UNSPEAKABLE things to/with her! I tell you, my perm dropped out when I read all the filth. Madge my neighbour had an attack of the vapours and the poor vicar ran off very red faced when he read about this man calling himself "Samantha" at the weekends!!

How do I take legal action against your filthy perverted thread you monstrous man you - AND I wish to calim the cost of the blue rinse perm I had this very morning!

Yours disgustedly

Edna Beeswax

Dear Edna Beeswax,

In order to take legal action against this thread you must first find a lawyer and then give him lots of money. However, I would not recommend this course of action as to do so would result in my sailing by your house and ordering a full broadside.

I will happily pay for the blue rinse perm though. Two dubloons do you?

Dear Mr Dreadful,

My financial advisor recently told me that it is economically unsound to bury treaure on a deserted island marked with a cross and that, instead, I should be taking advantage of the myriad of investment opportunties available. I did, of course, hang him from the yard-arm for his insolence, but he has got me thinking; should I putting my dubloons into the stock market or maybe an ISA or are the traditional ways the best?

What would you advise?

Moose

Dear Moose,

There are many ways in which the financially-minded pirate can invest his money. The three most sensible are:
1. Booze.
2. Whores.
3. Gambling.

Sound advice! Grog and Whores it is - after all, isn't all investment a gamble!

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Please help me I'm in a terrible fix. Yesterday evening on my way home to Leylandii Mews from the cafe I took the number 6 bus as is my habit. I sat on the seat nearest the door in case of emergencies in which case I would be first off. I digress.

With my hands thrust deeply into the pockets of my macintosh, as it has been seasonally chilly of late, I became aware of a blue rinsed matron pointng at me and shouting for the conductor. On glancing down I realised that I had, unbeknown to me, forgotten to remove several ferrets from my trousers before leaving work. My attempts to calm the little b*ggers down by stroking them only seemed to exacerbate the situation.

The nice constable who through me in the back of the big white van said that his aunty Edna was disgusted that the police allowed this sort of thing to happen on public transport and the boys at the nick would sort me out. They said something about using my fingers while I could. What should I do.

Albert Ross Esq
VD, CDM and Scar
Cell 6a
Old Bridewell

Mr Dreadful, thank you for the advice on the woodchucks.
I have now started a wood chucking farm, where hundreds of previously unemployed woodchucks are chucking wood to their hearts content.




Another question.

What is the maximum velocity a hamster can achieve whilst running in a treadwheel?

Dear Mr. Ross,

Tell them it was for charity, you can get away with a lot by using that line.
If that doesn't work see if the nick you're in has a metalworking shop and try to construct a howitzer or mortar and also check if there are any books on being a human cannonball in the prison library. When asked about what you're making say it's modern art and make sure you constantly whistle the theme tune to the 'Great Escape', that way the guards will be looking for a tunnel while you execute your cunning plan.

Don't drop the soap.

Dear Ged,

After literally minutes of painstaking research I have ascertained that the velocity of a hamster in his treadwheel falls somewhere between 'stationary' and 'the speed of light'.
However, under normal circumstances it is impossible to measure the speed of a hamsters' treadwheel as they only *really* use them when you are trying to get to sleep.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Please excuse the slow typing. These bandages and splints make it difficult. I shall however grin and bare it. Ahhg they warned me about doing that.

First the bad news. The magistrate, a blue rinsed old slapper from Esher called Fleeswax or something said she had rarely been more disgusted at my display on the bus. She couldn't keep her eyes off my crotch, she said, hmm nice says I. I tried the charity line. I said I had found the ferrets in the freezer at work and was trying to revive them and that everybody, including a frigid old bat like herself, knew the warmest part of the body was between the thighs. She muttered something about not between her thighs matey, called me a reverted little tanker or something like that, and sent me down for a month. Worst still they've taken my ferrets away.

Now the good news. Those nice wardens have put me in a cell under the machine shop. When the bandages come off I shall take your advice. It's a bit dark and damp down here but there are some big mice with long tails and they seem friendly enough. Not as squirmy as ferrets and they seem reluctant to trouser. I shall write when I get a new candle.

Albert Ross Esq
VD, CDM and Scar
HM Prisoner No 1212
HM Prison Ship Indefatigable

Dear Mr. Ross,

Best of luck in your endeavours. Watch out for the 'mouse' bites.

Dear Ms. Beeswax,

re: Your Posting Number 68; in which you claim that >> somebody is shooting her with drugged darts and doing UNSPEAKABLE things to/with her! <<

I wish to point out that this has nothing to do with me, and any attempt by you to infer as such will be dealt with by my lawyers. I am, even now, lying in wait outside my local law firm with my tranquiliser gun in order to bag myself a brace of solicitors.

RF

Dear Mr Dreadful

Thank for the info on hamster speeds, but what happens if a hamster in his wheel reaches the speed of light?