h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mistur

sorry bout the silence.

Got very bored in the hut with ug..he's become a mind numbing bore on the subject of capn hookem and him and hookem's missus seems to have got it togevvah, so i am a bit surplus to requirements there lately...

so i posed as a damsel in need of a boat trip, met a nice 'andsome sailor and then half way thru the journey aye produces me cutlass and 'acks off his 'ed. phish phood

been livin the loife o reilly ever since, found stash o rum in the hold and me an the ships 'and (name's brad and he'll pass nicely for a big strong 'andsome lad thanks very much)have been anchored off a nice little cove for several days now, sun drenched sand and blue skies. funny i never seem to get tired of em......... 'brad be a love willya? rub me back with some of that sun oil? bless ya'

my problem

I think i may have left the gas on.....

what on earth am i to do?

aye be back

Dear Aye Be,

Call Ug and tell him to switch the light on, if you hear a 'woomph' sound then you definitely left the gas on.

dear mister dee

great plan....
but
i didn't bring me phone and anyway Ug has hooves..so no opposable thumbs, therefore can't answer phones...

dont know what else to do, so i'll just forget about it ..
might not go back there anyway so they can't get me for the humungous gas bill
gas is horrendously expensive out in the carribean.....if u sit still at night with the fire and the cooker on at the same time you can hear the bludy metre whirring around....

my last bill was so high it cost me a brace o mongoose,(mongeese?mongooses?) 3 groats and i had to give the gas man one

of my skittles

which nearly broke my heart cos i only have 4 left..

another wee problem i have
any chance u or some kind soul that reads this could put 3 packs of skittles and a large original toblerone (or some other bar of chocolate, but NOT BOUNTY, i sooo hate coconut now) on the next number 6... I'll get word to one of me wenchette mates to look under the relevant seat of the next one that arrives out...

ta
love to u and urs...

now where was i ?? oh yeah...

aye be tanned with no white bits atal atal

Dear Aye Be,

The requested confectionary is in a plastic trasure chest under the usual seat on the number 6, I'll get Mr. Ross to pass it on to you.

I wouldn't tempt Albert with passing anything. You know he has a limited grasp of vocabrualy, vocabural, English and I'm not sure if Toblerone is water poof, PROOF.

No 6a goes via Carribean every September and March so you should be ok.

WA

cripes...do they have to be waterproof?

i do know that skittles run like 'ell

if there's one thing in this life i can't abide it's running skittles..

i'll think about it
perhaps i can live wiv aaht em..

tell albert that i am touched by his gestures..
and could he please stop before i gets the constable

ta
ab

Dear Mr D, AYE Bee and various others involved in the movement of choclate and confectionery accross international boundaries.

Well its been a long weekend and me and me piratical crew have finally cleared up th mess made by embalming the 3 dead guys and persuading the 15 dead men that thye better sort themselves out pronto and decide who was bunking up with who on the new living arrangements. Talk about a kerfuffle, 15 bolkes fighting over who was going to share with who and not one of them could tell taupe from beige as far as I could see.

Anyway all sorted now and we have distributed the 3 freshly embalmded dead blokes about the ship with 5 men on each, Im actually thinking of entering them for next years Turner Prize, but Wall Eyed Mick down the feret and Trumpet says it aint original enough!

However back to th point. On the subject of chocolate and other confectionery, good news Aye Bee, I heard this afternoon that a shipment of Toberone, Skittles, Smarties and sherbert dib dabs has come into the possession of a business acquaintence down your way, and as he owes me a favour(His Brother in Law is now supporting 5 men on the poop deck, but say nowt) he will be only too pleased to drop a supply off at the hut before 12 pm tomorrow.

Will someone be available to look shifty and open the back door?

Dai

cool.
i wont be back till sometime in august if this keeps up......

the weather

but tell him he can leave em in behind the bar at the pig'n parrot..barman in there, nobby, he's a right shifty sort and he can do the honours... make sure they tell 'im they're for me, and then he'll not touch em.. last time all the colour was licked off the skittles and i really dont like em when they're like that..

fanks tho
you're a brick..

aye bee darned

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Last Friday a big warder comes along to my cell and says that some bloke with big ears has signed a contention order and I could go home. With a very natty ankle ankle bangle and I wasn't to download anymore readers feretts from the web and I wasn't to associate with Big Larry or any of the others. Ho hum we'll see.

Anyway I digress. My problem is when I was banged up they put my full name on the door of my cell and from then on I was very popular. Not many people know this but I will share it with you as my personal Agony Uncle. My full name is Albert Enormous Willie Ross. If I put this in the window of Paradise Mews will I still be in demand.

Albert EW Ross.

dear my dreadful

would it be ok to cal my first born son richard?

love mrs cranium

Dear Mr. Ross,

I think you will be able to maintain a decent level of popularity if you put your full name in the window of your home. People called Albert are very popular in the Paradise Mews area.

Watch out for the Blue Rinsed Matrons though... 'Ross' *is* a four-letter word after all.

Dear Mrs. Cranium,

I see no reason why not... I mean, it is possible to shorten the name, but what would be so funny about calling a kid Rich or Richie?

Dear Mrs Cranium.

On the subject of choosing names for off spring, spare a thought for my next door neighbour the son of a Scottish sailor (Jock Kerr) and a feiety Spanish piratical lass ( I can barely type in English so I aint trying Spanish) who was christened Juan.

You try surviving being called Juan Kerr by all and sundry, its amazing he turned out as stable as he is, mind you stabilities handy for him, he currently believes he is a tripod and is holding me camera while I try and catch Aye Bee on the cctv.

Dai

You'll have to be quick it's bloody diffcult balancing on one on them little cameras

dear mistur b



i'm beginning to think about things, sitting here on this patch of sand with nothing to do..no idea what's happened in corrie and brad. tho a very nice and obliging lad, really has only got the stamina of a half knackered gnat.. not much use to me i'm afraid... he's fast asleep most of the time and cant catch a fish to save his life..i'm thinking about hackin his 'ed off too, just for a bit of a diversion....is that a piraty thing to do or is it a tad inhumane?
my newly acquired boat has sprung a leak and i feel that i may be left here with , horror of horrors... coconut and kumquats to keep me from passing away.. good lord...


what is the meaning of life please?

aye be bit dissolusioned..

oh...Albert... love the moniker and hope you do put it up in neon in ur living room window
good luck with it all...
i think big larry is out here...he may have floated past on a raft yesterday tho i cant be sure..i've been seeing some funny things on the horizon....bludy double decker bus yesterday morning... number 19...hahaha. number 19... doesnt come within an ass's roar of this neck of the woods as everyone knows

Dear Aye Be,

Hmmm... Avoiding the obvious I can tell you that the meaning of life is to crush your enemies, see then driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women.

I told big Larry not to mention Mr D's dirty habit, I told him but would he listen. I'd heard on the grape vine that McRoss had a contract out on im too for muckin up the Haggis Hunters. Rumour has it all of two whole poonds and a brace o haggi.

Anyway enough chit chat, it's the 6a you're looking for. Should be along soon, toodle pip.

Albert EW Ross

Hah! They'll never take me alive!

*Brandishes cutlass and flint-lock pistol.*

Dear Wanderin AR

On the subject of difficulty of balancing can I just say the devine Ayee Bee has enough problem balancing on a 6 lane motorway never mind one of them little cctv cameras!

Dear Mr D.

What do you thin of the chancellors budget proposals and there effect on the majority of the population?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Looks like the Chancellor is (as usual) writing cheques he can't cash (although the highr stamp duty threshold will be nice).