h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr D

My consultancy fee can be sorted in the usual manner, or to save time why not pour it down the drain of your local hostelry cause that's where it will end up eventually, well not your usual , muy usual oh sod it just stick it on the No6 , usual place!

Concerning the strategic hole in the wetsuit, it's a strategic hole that's causing the problem could I handle another one?

Dai feeling the winds of change.

Dear Dai,

That depends entirely on how strategic it is.

Jaysus lads
why didn't ye say?
if it's holy (or holey) latex gear you're lookin for you should try Fadder o toole..... you take the side entrance at the presbytry, 2nd left off the fiddler's lane,drive for a mile scratchin yer head with yer left hand, and then turn around, come all the way back down and then it's actually the 2nd right (i got it wrong the first time and now i dont know how to do it if i dont do it this way)

knock 3 times, you'll meet Fadder o toole, he's a bit odd, but he's got the gear for a knockdown price...
do the funny handshake, the winky eye, and the shuffle, (if you dont know this, you'll find a very small instruction booklet under the 3nd seat on the left from the back...(now that's the 2nd seat on the left as you're sitting in the back seat lookin up the bus, if you get me)..on the number 6...oh. you'll be wantin the 4.25 number 6, some of them are not the same

god only knows (literally) what they use it for down there...

ahem

aye be...sworn to secrecy

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I have absolutely no problems, can you help me out here?

Dear Mr Dreadful

I have a serious problem at the moment, following Aye Bee's advice I trolled down der and found the elusive Fader O Toole who after 3 attempts at the scret shuffle (note to Aye Bee can you update the leaflet as he is now requiring finishing with a flourish to get in for the good stuff) was taken into the pres and introduced to a world of shopping the likes of which I have not seen since my first trip to Ikea!

Should I remortgage the house to pay off my credit cards or is there a more efficient solution?

Dai

dear Mister Dreadful

i'm trying to clean up my act and be a good wench...(till wednesday at least).

I've met a landlubber who has made me think about givin up me wenchin (durin the day and not including saturday night, d'ya think i'm totally bonkers???)
can you suggest stuff for me to do to give the appearance of being a 'mere mortal', at least until he agrees to shag me
i've bought a pair of slacks and a poloneck jumper, some museli and a book.

thanks

aye be feelin a bit funny.it'll pass

Dear Tamaire,

The fact that you are worried that you have no problems is a problem in itself. Congratulations! It's a paradox!

Dear Dai,

Don't remortgage your house. Try becoming a professional research subject, all you'll need to do is sit around while a load of scientists do unspeakable things to you. If you volunteer for the really dangerous stuff they'll pay you lots of money.

Dear Aye Be,

Mere mortal... hmmm...
I suggest drinking tea instead of rum, driving rather than sailing (safety will not be an issue as you have your own airbags) and using scathing remarks rather than running people through with your cutlass.

oh.
you've really taken the wind out of me sails....(not real sails.. not real sails...i'm not on me boat, i'm not....i'm ehhh. on a grass verge, with no water in sight)

do i really have to conform that much??
no rum??
no cutlass?

i dont mind getting the number 6.. i can't drive since the enhancements were fitted..i cant see the road.

i'm not sure he's worth it now..

(sulks, arms folded and ignores funny looks from passing motorists and mumbled comments from parrot that is tied up in coat pocket)

aye be....hmmmmmm... celibate for bit longer it looks like

Dear Mr Dreadful

I have a solution for Aye Bees problem and thanks to Fadder o Toole the gear to wear while providing it.

Should I make this known or say nowt and avoid the consequences?

Daid in your arms tonight

Dear Dai,

Make it known... what's the worst that could happen?

Dear Mr Dreadful

This is Aye Bee we are talking about, good god she got her masters in piratology with distinction by disemboweling two members of the assessment board and smiling casually at the remaining 3.

What is the worst that could happen and could you reply quickly before she gets on here and reads this.

The number 6 is due and I might want to be on it.

Dai

Dear Dai,

Okay, okay, you might get disembowelled... but I think that's a small price to pay for spending time with the best pirate wench this side of Port Royal.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Fair comment, I shall sharpen me cutlass, nail me colours to the mast and offer me services.

Can you recommend anything for sever nervous tremors or would these be seen as a positive asset to a frustratd pirate wench?

Dai

Dear Dai,

Drink rum and lots of it.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Capital idea!

Dai following Dr's orders

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I've been lurking around a thread because I heard a rumour they were dishing out free sex. However everybody is ignoring me. Should I show them my ferrets.

Albert.

Dear Mr. Ross,

NO! See the Hoo's Rool thread for further details.

Ah, there you are. One flagon of grog on the way. Does she like ferrets?

Albert,