h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Your professional standards do not allow you to purloin wenches, but out and find yer own zeppelins.

Looks wistfully at Aye Be, from under zeppelins, how was that for masterful, did you like the yer. Will I ever make a pirate wench just like you.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Eh tu Brute?

"Collapses in a grog induced stupour ensuing he falls in a position guaranteed to get him a glimpse of the made in Oirland tattoo on Aye Bee's inner thigh"

Dear Mr. Ross,

I think ye'll find that my professional standards allow me to purloin as many wenches as I can get my hands on. I am a pirate, after all. ARRRRRRR!!

"Looks up from a grog induced stupor, sees Aye Beees charms, perks up and sings"

As I wuz a roll-in' down the High-way one morn,
I spied a flash pack-et from ol' Wapping town
As soon as I seed her I slacked me main brace,
An' I hoist-ed me stun-sl's an' to her gave chase,

Oh, me rig-gin's slack, Aye me ratt-lin's are fray'd,
I've ratt-led me rig-gin' down Rat-cliffe High-way!

I fired me bow-chaser, the signal she new
She backed her main tops'l an' for me hove to'
I lowered down me jolly-boat an' roved alongside,
An' I found madam's gangway wuz open an' wide.

I entered her little cubby-hole, an' swore, "Damn your eyes!"
She wuz nothin' but a fireship rigged up in disguise;
She had a foul bottom, from sternpost to fore;
'Tween the wind and water she ran me ashore.

She set fire to me riggin', as well as me hull,
An' away to the lazareet I had to scull.
Wid me helm hard-a-starboard as I rolled along,
Me shipmates cried, "Hey, Jack, yer mainyard is sprung!"

Here's a health to the gal wid the black, curly locks;
Here's a health to the gal who ran me on the rocks,
Here's a health to the quack, boys, who eased me from pain,
If I meet that flash packet I'll board her again!

Dear Mr Dreadful

Can you recommend a suitable course of action to help me forget Aye Bees hidden charms or should I just stop looking at them?

Dai in despair

Dear Dai,

What was that? Sorry bit distracted by Aye Be's charms.

I would offer a sea shanty of my own but the only one I can think of at the moment has a ridiculous amount of swearing in it and may not be suitable at this time.

Dear Mr Dreadful

People seem to be ignoring me at the moment and not listening to my heart felt please. This is very depressing and as I am fighting the temptation to burst into a rendition of a sea shanty guaranteed to get me moderated a swift response would be appreciated.

Dai away home

Dear Dai,

I'm afraid it's impossible to forget Aye Be's charms, you'll just have to try and ignore them.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Your reputation for sound and sage like wisdom is on the line here me bucko. How could anyone ignore Ay Bees charms, your mad I tell you, mad!

Dai 20,000 Leagues under Aye Bee

Dear Dai,

You're the one who suggested trying not to look at them, pal! THAT is an impossible task!

(aye be,Positively Twinkling at all this fightin and bitchin, all over her and her zepelins....shows dimples in her cheeks,in a rare display of bashful delight....but then hurridly drops frock again,when she sees dai lying on his back on the floor lookin up )

Bludy 'ell dai..you have plunged new depths.. (pregnant pause, to allow for all inuendos to pop into reader's heads, titter, then get back to the story)

(pulling bertie's head into ample zepelins,)Come here bertie my iddu teddy weddy bur, (this is also rare, PW's never ever use stickywicky talk like this.... could it be that the brainwashing she received, imperative to all Fully Qualified wenches, could be wearing off and she will end up back where she started?)

Dear Mr Dreadful

I have just woken up on the floor of a no 6 with a thumping hang over and a mouth like the bottom of the vultures aviary at London Zoo.

It appears the has stalled and not going anywhere, can you suggest a suitable method of getting things going again?

Dai

"piease reply quietly if you have an ounce of pity in your entire body"

DEAR DAI,

IF THE BUS HAS STALLED THERE'S NO NEED TO WORRY, AN ENGINEER WILL BE OUT SHORTLY TO FIX IT. IN THE MEANTIME HERE'S SOME MUSIC:

NAPALM DEATH AT FULL VOLUME

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I seem to be in a warm, pink, wobbly world with a hint of rum in the background. It is very pleasant but I am holding onto my ferret sack just in case. Where am I.

Iddy biddy bertie,
WHAT
Albert

Dear Mr. Ross,

You are either stuck betwixt Aye Be's 'assets' or you have been hypnotically regressed back to the womb. Was your mother a pirate wench too?

Dear Mr Dreadful

Ouch, have u no pity? May your testacleys swell to the size of a small watermelon and be attacked by a band of marauding ferrets.

Would'nt have an asprin would you?

Dai wretchin

Dear Dai,

Sorry, matey... I couldn't resist . Here ya go.

*Gives Dai a pack of super-strengh asprin.*

"Takes pack of super strength asprin with shaking hand, tears open foil and swallows contents in one go washed down with the contents of Aye Bee's thigh flask which are still warm from the night before"

Ahhhhhhh

Dear Mr Dreadful

It appears that Mr Ross is going blue, should we take some immidiate action to remedy this or is blue the normal colour for a Scottish gentleman?

Dai

Dear Dai,

I think a rescue would be in order... I know from experience that the proper colour of a Scot's skin is pasty white.

Git yer hands off my wossie


(pulls him out and gives him quick kiss o life, which dont revive him and a good shake is required before his eyes uncross and the blood returns to his face)

i'm feeling a bit strange lads..
i think i've lost me sea legs.... could you have a look around the front seats please dai, yeah, crawl if you must...

i thinks i needs me cutlass and me handbook, oh and as much plasticine as you can find. Bertie here wants to make a pirate wench..... how far inland are we? that could have something to do with it, cos PW's dont like to be more'n a couple o minutes from the coast ..

aye be legless

Dear Aye Be,

I think a badger made off with one of your sea legs but I've got a nice peg leg for you...