h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mr. Ross,

Don't think she's that fussy, just as long as there's rum... you'll have to be quick, though. I think Dai's already on his way over.

Dear Mishter Dweadful

Yush in deed I is within mthe vicinatey of her veshel, jusht approachin her channel as we speak with loads a grog and Fadder O Tooles bestisht about me!

Dai o rea

Dear mister d

What shall i do with a drunken failure????

(runs down the deck and jumps off, straight into some handsome stranger's arms....)

bludy hell....albert?? albert is that u??

take me away from all this madness .. that dia is pished as a coot and he's got notions..

and potions

aye be..

Quick here comes a No6 get under the back seat. Mind the ferrets thay like warm dark places.

Ok.. i dont mind ferrets.. i've never seen yours. would they be different to the usual run o the mill ones ??

god it's a bit cramped down here..there's a big case..... surely not.. it cant still be here??

that kilt is very fetching on yer from this angle dear..

good lord...

mister dredful??? i need your help..(she types furiously on her wrist top computer, left over from the lab days)...
i'm blushing....first time in my life.... i dont know how to deal with it

please dont tell me this means i've gone all girly and will start doing stupid things like batting my eyelashes and giggling... i couldn't bear it


(takes a hip flask from garter and takes large medicinal slug... hands up to bertie (sharing is caring)

aye be bit uncomfortable about all this

Dear Mr Dreadful,

I have rescued an ex pirate wench with a very imposing cut to her jib. I had to push her under the back seat with the ferrets and hide her with my kilt. Does pirate training include basic animal recognition. If it doesn't I'm in big trouble as it's very warm on this ere bus.

Dear Mr Dreadful

Well sod that for a game of marlies, you try your best, don Fadder O Tooles finest latex and get slapped down like a scurvy dog, Im seriously thinking of switching sides I am, what would you advise?

"Sits in a huff drinking Aye Bee's cask of rum which he never got to give her"

Dai

(holds up hand to count and frowns ....)
babes?? albie honey???
how many ferrets did you say?

Dear Mister D, i have me hand on me flask (pesky ferrets)
and counting on the other one...i've run out of fingers and theres an extra ferret.........i think..........but albert said there were 5..

what can i do?

aye be.. sorry i didn't do more maths

Dear Aye Be,

Don't worry about the blushing. It's a perfectly normal reaction to being rescued by a man in a kilt.

Dear Mr. Ross,

Pirate training does include animal recognition but it only really applies to weevils, sea birds and fish.

Dear Dai,

Have you considered offering yourself to the Wenching School as a training aid? I can't guarentee that the trainee wenches will be as, ahem, impressive as Aye Be but you do get free rum.

Dear Aye Be,

To be honest I wouldn't like to speculate as to exactly what the extra 'ferret' is. Especially if it's living in the kilt.

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Help, well there I was all prepared like a good boy scout, to do a good deed and rescue this wenchlike frigate in full sail, and the next thing you know is she's interfering with my ferrets. Now I like a bit of the old extracurricular as much as the next boy but you wont believe what's going on under the back seat. I'm sure I had four ferrets when I got on. What do they teach them at that pirates school.

(loud squealing and giggling coming from under back seat)

i might as well come out from here (plonks self on seat beside bertie..)not exactly hiding under there anymore am i (eyes dai in the front seat, who by this point is slipping towards the floor and singing bawdy frigate songs at the top of his slurdy voice)

there are 4 plus 1 ferrets according to my calculations dearie

stop tellin tales on me or i'll 'ack yer 'ed off. and i'll tell them where you keep the extra one, i mean, that just can't be legal


can it?
mister d?


anyways....where are we going?

LAYdish and entlegem, I will now shing The Gallant Frigate Amphitrite at the top of my slurdy voishe, pleashhh Mishter Mussic will you play for ussshh?

"Looks off into the far distance, sticks finger in one ear and sings"

Our gallant ship the Amphitrite, she lay in Plymouth Sound
Blue Peter at the fore-mast head for she was outward bound
We were waiting there for orders to send us far from home
Our orders came for Rio, and thence around Cape Horn

When we arrived at Rio we prepared for heavy gales
We set up all our rigging, boys, and bent on all new sails
From ship to ship they cheered us as we did sail along
And wished us pleasant weather in the rounding of Cape Horn

When beating off Magellan it blew exceeding hard
While shortening sail, two gallant tars fell from the tops'l yard
By angry seas the ropes we threw from their poor hands was torn
We were forced to leave them for the sharks that prowl around Cape Horn

When we got round the Horn, my boys, we had some glorious days
And very soon our killick dropped into Valparaiso Bay
The pretty girls came round in flocks, I solemnly declare
They're far before the Plymouth girls with their long and their curly hair

For they love a jolly sailor when he spends his money free
They'll laugh and sing and merry merry be and have a jovial spree
And when your money is all gone, they won't on you impose
They're not like the Plymouth girls that'll pawn and sell your clothes

Farewell to Valparaiso, and farewell for a while
Likewise to all your Spanish girls along the coast of Chile
And if ever I live to be paid off, I'll sit and'll sing this song
God bless those pretty Spanish girls we left around Cape Horn

"Removes finger from ear, examines it closely with a look of concern, falls over drunk mumbling"

Dear Mishter Dweadful

How do you mend a broken heart?

Dai in agony

Dear Mr Dreadful,

Shhh, there's a big woman with a shirt full of zeppelins and breath like the inside of a still sitting next to me and a drunken wooly back singing sea shanties on the front seat. I'm clutching my ferret sack but the big woman is rummaging under my kilt shouting 'Come out ya little beauty I know your in there somewhere'

Help

oi!!!

big woman is it??

THWWWWAAAAACCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ding ding... DRIVER!! I'M GETTING OFF...
(marches toward the stairs, then thinks better of it...marches back, kisses bertie better and sits back down, gets out thigh flask and offers him a swig to try to repair the damage to their relationship)

dai hits the floor, everyone looks in his genital direction..

aye be, mrs malprop

Dear Dai,

Superglue's good.

Dear Mr. Ross,

Well, it looks like Aye Be has solved half the problem for you.

Dear Aye Be,

If'n Mr. Ross carrys on acting scared there's a vacany on my frig-ate, the Saucy Sue.