h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*blissfully sitting at the computer learning to create worlds, and wearing polartec sweats with an elasticated waistband*

Hello everybody, and welcome to 2003! It was a clear, cold and windy change of calendar here in Lincoln; the only sound I heard besides wind in tree branches was the sound of distant ordinance. If it was fireworks, they were big mothers.

No cooking today either. Salsa and chips, cold roast beef.

Happy New Year, everyone!

*Wearing knit pajamas with an elastic waistband. The slim-fast is cooling in the fridge for tomorrow.*

Happy New Year to all the Salonistas! May God bless us abundantly, each and every one, throughout the coming year(s)!

B4

A safe, prosperous and Happy New Year to all Salonistas!

*sitting in the office - so, no holidays, wearing, well - whatever I have, overcoat, two pullovers, gloves and mittens etc (it's +5C in the office ), pretending to work*

Hati, dear, might I suggest a mid-winter holiday to the south of France? It sounds like you need both warmth and sunlight!!

Nice idea.
*doesn't go packing though*

[Amy] - busy. The New Year has begun.

Another dark, wet day here. The run of rainy days has been particularly noticeable over the last 2 weeks due to the wet washing drying indoors. The electrical shop has promised to phone as soon as the new dryer comes in and they will deliver it the same day.

H and No2 son are back at work today, although No2 hasn't had any leave apart from the statuary ones as he the most recent employee and therefore lowest in the pecking order for leave over peak seasons.

No1 son will be persuing job applications as from Monday and filling forms today.

Cassie is bored rigid as I'm the only one around to play with and I have chores to get on with. We played with her little red and white stripy over breakfast though.

I need advice, and being that it's 4am in California and there's no way I could call anyone at this hour, I decided to ask here.

First the situation, then the question.

Situation: My boyfriend D was taking one of those stupid tests at thespark.com, and I was shoulder-surfing (I've asked if he minds; he says he doesn't). Suddenly, he seemed to linger on a question for a ridiculous amount of time. I got the feeling he was stalling, so I looked ahead at the next question, which asked how many people he'd had sex with. I realized he didn't want me to see the answer to the question, so I told him I wouldn't watch over his shoulder anymore. He told me he didn't care (and naturally I kept watching anyway, to see what he was hiding). He finished the rest of the page as fast as he could and clicked the next button, but I had already seen his answer.

He had typed in 5. I had thought the total was 3. I confronted him, and now we're both upset.

The question:
Should I be bothered by this? Well, no, I take that back, as I'm already bothered by this. I guess the real question is how I should feel about/deal with this. I feel like he lied to me, as I consider avoiding the whole truth tantamount to lying. He defended himself with the infamous "you didn't ask" excuse, but I think that's something I have a right to know, as I've been sleeping with him for the last 4 months.

Any thoughts?

First of all - 4 am in the morning is *not* a good time to dwelve over this - I know that at least I myself cannot reason logically in the 'small hours' - on the contrary, things seem to look worse at this time of night/early morning...

Does it really make any differense whether it's 3 or 5, if he loves you, sea?

*sigh*

I guess it shouldn't, but sadly, it kind of does. He was my first...

Has he ever told you it was actually 3? Or is that what you thought? And then, as far as I know and have experienced, a lot of the misunderstandings between men and women are because the women think the men 'ought to have understood what I meant without me spelling it out' or 'he ought to have known without me telling him' but men aren't mind readers...

I think it is really not an issue. At least for me. Not in my age. I have to admit I don't remember how it was with my first partner. I don't know if I was his 1st, 3rd or 42nd.

see, that's the problem. i can't remember. i could have SWORN we discussed this, and the number was three. but he swears i didn't ask. he KNEW i didn't know the truth, because he tried to hide it from me, and he didn't bother to correct my misconception.

it may seem silly, but i'm 19. i've been thinking about moving in with him, and possibly marrying him. this is kind of a big thing, you know?

He could have been hiding it from you because he was embarassed, sea - whether he (if that were the case) was embarassed it wasn't more (at his age, I don't know - maybe that would be expected, if not from a girl friend, then maybe from his male friends?) or less (maybe because he regrets some of them?)

By the way sea - have you been up all night or did you get up early? If you have been up all night, then I definitely recommend you get some sleep first, and think about this again later...

*agrees with Ti all the way*

hehehe, been up all night, technically, but this only came up at 2am or so.

i'm sure he WAS and IS embarassed. he regrets a lot of the things he's done... i don't know. i just think it's stupid.

*sigh*

methinks i'm going to get some sleep. i'm getting tired, and i'm getting lots of conflicting opinions. please, everyone, throw in your two cents, and i'll have another look in the morning.

T
Hati
thanks for the advice.

Oh, poor sea! -

I have never worked out what men think about sex. I mean, they quite clearly do fall deeply in love and adore one special woman; but equally clearly they can have sex without adoring the person they are having sex with. (Mind you, that is true for me too, so maybe I am working it out slowly).

A friend of mine told me once that he had made the mistake of telling his girlfriend how many women he had slept with; she had been quite confident she could handle the situation and insisted that he told her the truth, but then she had thrown some sort of wobbly when she found out. They are both in their 40s, and I have no idea how many women he has slept with, but it quite clearly isn't going to be in single figures it may well not even be in double figures either. But the point is, of all of them he prefers to be with her.

I never ever think about the other women the guy has slept with. As I said, no-one forces him to be with me, and so long as he enjoys his time with me (and so long as I enjoy it too) that is all that I look for.

We cannot change the past, the best we can do is change the future, and also change the way we interpret the past.



The issue of being lied to is a tricky one. As Titania says: did he actually lie to you, or did he just fail to tell you all the truth?

I have been lied to by my ex who was technically cheating on me, (we were separated at the time and got back together afterwards, which is why I say 'technically cheating'). I have also been party to lieing myself. Lies are almost always told to protect the feelings of the person being lied to. In fact I wasn't too devestated about my ex's affair, I was more upset that some friends of mine hadn't blown the gaffe at the time. But even that, I can understand. In their shoes I wouldn't have told me.

There are a whole load of reasons why people lie to their partners; one is to avoid a tricky and emotional confrontation about something which is actually irrelevant (like a previous relationship); one can be to protect the good things that are going on in the present relationship and not sling a hand-grenade into the bunker; another reason is to protect the partner from hurt.

As I indicated in the beginning, there can be many different contexts for sex: adoration, a diversion, fun, lonliness, experimentation, sharing, or just plain and simple alcohol, and a million more. The important thing is the emotion, not the action. I never used to understand men who said 'but it didn't mean anything', but now I know that they are probably telling the truth when they say that.

What is important is the quality of the feelings that you have for each other. There is no garuantee, in fact it is highly unlikely, that he had the same feelings for the other women he has slept with. So don't feel threatened by something that never existed.

The past really does not matter, those encounters are over and done with, if he thought you were likely to be hurt by the difference in your sexual experiences he may have been trying to protect you.

One final comment - no, being together for four months, or indeed for forty years, does *not* give you the right to know all about your partner. You have the right to your own private history, and he has the right to his. Quite apart from anything else, the experiences that you have with him should remain private between the two of you; you should not share them with your future partners, which in itself means that there are things that you will hold back from telling them.

Poor sea - I really do feel for you.

Good luck, and trust the love that you have for each other. If he has lied, it came out of kindness and care for your feelings, not out of anything else.

Ben