h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Probably not. But I wouldn't mind half a percent of what he's raking in.

*Meanwhile in sickbay, Croz sits in a chair looking puzzled and confused about not remembering a thing, not even his name; whilst Wendy scans his brain for the reason*

WENDY: Well, I just can't explain this. The only person with the medical knowledge to explain this is you Croz, but since it is you who is suffering from this then you can't.

CROZ: Oh, right then. Could you explain to me one thing?

WENDY: What's that?

CROZ: What in blazers happened to me? Maybe that can explain how I can get all my memory back.

*Wendy plays back the backlog of several Esirpretne journals to Croz to see whether that helps*

All hands, report!

*looks at panel*

Oh bum, it looks like the explosion of the General has caught us in its wake... the ship's pretty badly damaged... Mr Bluebottle, we only have one possible course of action left open to us... plot a course for Earth, it's the nearest planet - we're going to have to try for a crash landing...

Aye sir - course for Earth plotted in.
By the way, sir, I don't have the best of luck with crash-landings. They've never been something I've specialised in - each time I try one the ship kinda ends up, well, crashed.

*Surrepetitiously does up his seat belt*

*shifts a little in her seat, then decides her seatbelt might want to be just a little bit tighter*

*Runs in from the lab. Is carrying a tiny device, which has "Crater Labs, Inc." written on it.*

Seat belt enhancer. Thought it might be useful.

*Stashes photo of Lenin under bridge console and checks his braces*
Vhere exactly are ve going to crash???

pick a continent...any continent.....

...or pick a sea if you prefer........

*Suddenly the ship lurches and is brought in for a perfect three point landing at Chicago's O'Hare Airport, amidst much staring and pointing...not to mention outright confusion.*



Well, at the very least, I figured I could help keep you from crashing this beautiful ship completely. It would be a waste.

I'm afraid I have business on the other side of the Galaxy, but if you need my assistance again, you can contact me by using the cell phone the Captain will find under his chair. Dial 5 and that's all you need to do. I'll come running if I can.

Goodbye all, it's been fun!



---The 5.5th Doctor.

The spoil sport! Just when I had the most spectacular CGI lined up with explosions, detonations, limbs being torn off the extras and general blood, guts and beautiful destruction
Oh well, looks like we've landed. Is the atmosphere breathable?

Oh, poo. No crash.

*looks around. grins.*

Anyone fancy crashing it anyway? I mean, we've saved the galaxy, we might as well have a big climax - and the next time we have an adventure, whenever that may be, we get to have a new ship...

Well? Who's up for it?

*BluesSlider appears on the bridge followed by a number of red-shirted extras.*

Captain, I've just finished an extensive security sweep of the ship, there's something nasty in hold B45 on deck C. I think we need to evacuate the ship....

Maybe the something nasty will get obliterated in the crash we all want to have. I vote for taking the old Esirpretne up again. Besides, I can't seem to undo my seatbelt.

I think we should keep the Esipretne, just have it refitted...
Now, vhat to do about this weird thing someone mentioned earlier..?

I wonder if the something nasty is related to a horrible something ...

Followed by a nasty horrible?

Now, what is this 'something nasty'? A monster? A noxious gas, gradually filling the ship? A crazed machine?

*Gets a worried look*

It's not what was under the box in the science lab, is it? Please tell me it's not what I had under the box.

*Closes eyes, whishing he had put it in something more durable than cardboard. Starts to stand up, but realizes something*

Um, for everyone whose seat belt I installed with that CLI seat belt enhancer? Check to make sure it isn't the Beta release.

*Looks at his*

Look at that. Beta. I don't suppose someone who isn't buckled up could run to the weapons lab and get a sleetzar, please?

*E undoes her seatbelt...after fighting with it a few times to convince it it was alright to let her go...then stands up & heads towards the weapons lab...*

*pauses briefly*

Please say I don't have to go past the Cargo Bay & that 'something nasty' to get there............................

........and whoever was last in the Cargo Bay *did* lock the door behind them, didn't they......?

....Oh....and for traditions sake...crash the Esirpretne...I've seen a gorgeous new model being made somewhere Top Secret...

*Pulls the PDCC device out of his pocket, and pushes the fast forward button. Watches as an extra raises the ship, and suspends it over Earth. Stops it just before it starts to fall*

E, you might want to get buckled up again.

Ye Cannae crash her. This ship is like the wife I'll never have. Ye cannae. (Do we get a better ship for the sequel with better CGIs and more gadgets? )