h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Symlpost strikes again!

OK, how's this for a plan? We all evacuate the ship, set the auto-pilot to take her way up into the stratosphere and time the self destruct to give us a huge lightshow explosion destroying the something nasty and our beloved Esirpretne. Lots of pathos, lots of explosions and a lead into the sequel where we all have to go in search of a new ship whilst stranded on earth. Hmmmm, sounds familiar as a plot line don't you think?

Indeed it does - there's only one problem. How do I take my seat belt off?

Also, isn't the Captain supposed to go down with his ship?

Or up with his ship in this case As for the seatbelt, I guess you'd better hope Affy comes up with something.

Er, sorry, I just lost the forums. Could someone give me an update?

I think in this case we can safely say that the Captain won't be going down with his ship.....unless he can't get his seatbelt off...

Ummm, ve'd better decide quickly... I've got an irate air traffic control person on the line and he wants us to either take off, or taxi up to terminal 4. If we taxi, do ve have anything to declare?
*Tosses a coin labled 'headski' and 'tailski'*
*Lands in E's palm*
Vell, headski we take off, tailski we taxi.

Well...we take off...

...we need a dramatic finale...and I've been looking forward to how the special-effects budjet was going to be spent on this bit for so long now...

Well, what's been going on?

*Notices that we already seem to be in orbit*
Okay, time to activate the Drastic Solution Autodestruct Device ('Another CGI budget busting product of Crater Labs Inc. Warning, do not use as a toy or April Fools prank')
*The crew gathers round a panel at the Tactical Station*
Hmmm, please insert £1.

For the people who got lost in the forums: assuming you got lost after our little adventure on Toolbox IV, we got to Earth, Croz somehow managed to single-handedly take care of a fleet that would otherwise have been finished off in a few weeks of postings, we destroyed the General Ship (roughly the size of a planet), and crash landed in some airport. Meanwhile, because I accidently used the Beta version of my seat belt enhancer, we're all stuck in our seats. Also meanwhile, we're about to go into a rather fancy, pyrotechnically explosive crash and/or self-destruct scene.

*Manages to reach over, take YK's light saber, and cuts off his seat belt. Wanders around to everyone who has the device, and cuts off their seat belts. As the ship begins to tilt, Affy wonders if just cutting off the device wouldn't have worked as well*

Well, that's solved so far. But I think it was a mistake to cut the seatbelts rather than the device.

[Affy finishes]

Now give that back.

[YK uses the Force to get his ... disproportionately long lightsaber back. It looks like two flashlights stuck together at the ends and there are buttons next to the switches. YK deactivates it and sets both switches to "on." Nothing apparently happens. In case you're wondering, it locked the lightsaber off.]

*Joolsee, looking pale and thin, stumbles in through a previously unseen door, having wandered around lost in the netherdecks of the ship for several weeks.*

Oh, right, left, then RIGHT! Silly me!

*Sits at communications console. Twiddles.*

Did I miss anything?

Not much. Okay, I'm taking the ship up, so we can crash it properly. Anyone with heart problems better get out now, because it's going to be one hell of a rough ride, with lots of CGI, explosions and rocking....

Oh brother.

But wait! We need some technobabble! In Star Trek, they /always/ manage to get out of something bad when they have technobabble!

*Runs to the weapons lab and returns wearing a parachute.*

Ok, I'm ready.

Hang on ... [frantically tries to come up with some technobabble to save the ship with]

Why are we crashing, anyway?

Because it makes it a good dramatic finale!

...and we get a new ship afterwards...

That's it, I'm outta here!

[prepares to run out]

BTW, Eo, I saw your photo on the Presidential Campaign thing, and I notice how much you bear a striking resemblance to ... Mara Jade Skywalker!

[runs out]

I know...it's such a strange coincidence...people say that to me all the time...