h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[YK's ships blast the shuttle to rubble, and start on the fleet]

[YK] Did someone say something about resistance?

[another identical shuttle, this one real, and with impenetrable shields appear]

[YK] Er, never mind.

Good Grief! Hmmm...let's see here....

*Reaches into his pocket, pulls out the minaturizes TOILET, and places it on the floor, where it returns to it;s original size.*

I'll be right back! Hold them off as best you can!

*Vanishes into the TOILET.*

---The 5.5th Doctor

Right. We need to stop the Earth from being captured? Okay. Errr...

*Voice changes from a dithering middle-aged human's to one which sounds scarily sure of itself.*

We have a plan. We will need access to your main computer.

*Suddenly changes shape into something that strongly resembles an octupus with more tentacles.*

We will call up the Lost Fleet from the 254,973rd dimension, where they got lost on an exploration mission. We are sure our people, the Misguidedgenuises, will have no problem turning the Horrible Somethings into Squashed Fly Biscuits.

*Looks up from the terminal he has been rapidly typing at.*

I'm not 100% sure, but it seems that all of those fleets are centrally controlled from one mother of a Mother ship. And it looks like all but the Horrible Something ships have been coerced into helping, because they all contain self-destruct mechanisms that are controlled from the Mother ship. I have just been trying to work out where the mother ship is and I now have a fix. It is located just behind Pluto. Wait a minute ... it IS Pluto - those horrible Horrible Somethings have demolished Pluto and replaced it with their mother ship!

I think I can see the beginnings of a plan here ...

Well this is a turn-up for the books.

* mobile phone rings. MaW answers and speaks in an unknown language. Hangs up. *

Well, it looks like I'm getting a guarenteed lump sum of about twenty million bars of gold pressed latinum, so redecoration in here won't be a problem at all.

* turns to the communications console, barges in a hails Lawrence's shuttle. The designer's foppish visage appears on the viewscreen, accompanied by the horrifying face of co-designer Ann McKevitt *

Oh no!

LAWRENCE: Surrender your ship.
ANNE: Resistance is futile.

* cuts the channel *

We _have_ to destroy that shuttle immediately!

"Sir it looks like we arrived just in time, the espiretne is in trouble! its under attack from evil astrodimenstional interior designers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"(and again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
mcfarlaine switches the display in the arm of his command chair to tactical display mode,
"my god, they doughnut fleet is hopelessly outnumbered!"
"sir? what shall we do?" o'fish terrified know, is cowering behind the tactical console
the captain looks at his display, drums his fingers,
"Phillips, set a course to intercept the main HSO fleet, we'll try and give the doughnuts more time, comms get me Smith."
"Smith here."
"Major prepare to repel boarders....................."

[Seventy-six thousand and one spherical one-man starfighters come out of transwarp.] Select as opponent: Horrible Somethings ship, Pizzar ship, Rodentars, Romanumerals, Kringles, Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, Ann McKevitt, and everyone else who's tried to kill the Esirpretne crew. [Though nothing visible happens to them, the spheres seem to change somehow.]

Charge hamster torpedoes. [Lights glow on the spheres.]

Lock S-foils in attack position. [The front halves of every single sphere splits into four parts and open up, revealing pilot compartments and nasty-looking weapons, which are the lights that are glowing.]

Engage. [brown-tipped white beams of light come from each of the eight weapons on all seventy-six thousand starfighters at the warships.]

Okay, that should hold them off long enough for the plan to work.

*crosses fingers*

*Leaves sickbay and heads to his personal quarters*

Computer, security lock level 12.

COMPUTER:Command code required. Identify.

Croz, Dr MH, Donutfleet Section42. Password **********

COMPUTER:Opening channel to Section42 command......

Ok, here's the plan.

We take an away team with lots of red-shirts and beam onto the Pluto Mother Ship. Then we find the controls for the self-destructs on the non-Horrible Something's ships and activate them, destroying all ships but the Horrible Something ships. Then, we disable the Mother Ship and return here. Then we just have to pick off the HS ships one by one.

Now, we need volunteers for the away team.

I think I can help with the picking off bit... I may be an impartial cameramen for Discovery Intergalactic but sometimes you just have to get involved...

* types on small computer device *

Eat this, Horrible Somethings!

* the viewscreen shows a large, birdlike ship arrive which begins laying about with talons and beak, tearing an HS ship apart *

Yes! Their shields won't like the Birdie Killer. Its beak is diamond tipped and lined with immensely powerful cutting lasers. The talons are made from butter toffee, the strongest substance in the known universe. And the hull is made of compressed duranium to repel any feeble weapons fire which might try to damage the interior paintwork (which wasn't designed by Anne or Lawrence).

* computer device beeps *

COMPUTER DEVICE: Warning. The designers' shuttle is about to transmit an episode of Changing Rooms on all frequencies and in all languages including Welsh, Ancient Egyptian, and Outer Hooloovian. Recommend earplugs and blindfolds.

(The Espirantene is being battered by heavy enemy fire, red and yellow suited extras are lying about everywhere.........)
"Sir Sir! the captain of the espiratne are asking for volunters to attack the pluto Hso mother ship!"
mcfarliane spins round in his command chair.
"tcho! they can want"
Continues to wobble like only a sci fi captain can.............

*Seven, with Checkout, simply looks confused at the battle between what looks like a giant chicken and The-Planet-Formerly-Known-As-Pluto*

Seven, Checkout - that's not the mother ship/planet-formerly-known-as-pluto. It's just one of the HS fleet. We have to beam onto the mother ship and carry out my plan. Will you be part of the away team? It may be the most dangerous mission we have undertaken yet. But it is the only way I can see to save the universe.

[Hamster torpedoes and sheer numbers are not nearly enough to protect all of the 74,001 -- er, 73,942 starfighters. Then the ships of YK and Y2K crash into each other. YK materializes next to the away team]

[YK and Y2K, near-simultaneous] I'm with you!

*Steps forward for the away mission*
*Drags Seven along as well*
Any new weaponry for this most daunting of missions?

...what's an away mission without a 1st officer...?

...and I'll even contribute the mickey-mouse phaser I bought when we were on the Disney Planet...

...oh...and of course I'll donate my trusty flame-thrower & snowzar etc, etc...

And I've got my lightsaber.

*Meanwhile in his quarters*

COMPUTER: Incoming transmission from Section42 headquarters.

Croz: Put it on the monitor computer.

*Vidiscreen flickers to life, and Croz stares at what appears to be a clone of himself, but slightly older*

Croa: Ah, Croz. What's the status up there?

Croz: All hell is breaking loose Croa and you know it. How on Earth are we supposed to get out of this one?

Croa: We've have found out something about the Horrible Somethings. The 'Mothership' that has replaced Pluto is only a small part of it, the rest of the mothership is in other similar planet sized chunks dotted throughout the solar system.

Croz: And you want me to take out the main control ship linking the parts, and thus destroying the other ships in the process.

Croa: Precisely.

Croz: And may I ask where is the main control ship is.

Croa: It is on the surface of Phobos




Croz: I have no chance at all of survival have I?

Croa: Sorry little brother, but it is extremely remote indeed. We have transmitted to your replicator the schematic of the craft to be used. It contains a weap[on designed partly by Section42 and partly by Crater Labs, a QuarkBomb. Once detonated, everything within the confines of Phobos will just tear itself apart. Good luck and don't mess up.

*In a black Section42 uniform, Croz heads to shuttlebay*

Computer, Replicate schematic code Armageddoughnut password ********

*Computer bleeps and a small one-man craft appears on the shuttlebay. Croz climbs in and launches towards Phobos*

Computer, initiate program Angel.

*Computer bleeps, nothing appears to happen but the Esirpretne is now prevented from allowing any crew members to leave the ship until after 11AM*

Computer, initiate Armageddoughnut sequence, at 300m altitude initiate a one man transport of Deimos, and transmit my brainscan to the Esirpretne, Wendy'll know what to do


*Computer bleeps again, alters course and starts to dive*