h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Seven, confused by the quickening pace of events (as if they could get any faster), decides to follow Checkout to the bridge*

[Cut to Y2K and YK, sleeping in beds opposite each other. No, they're in different beds, okay??]

[Y2K, abruptly sitting up] Hey!

[YK, groggily] What, Navi?

[Y2K] With two of us, we could think twice as fast!

[YK, still groggy] That's assuming we don't think identically.

[Y2K] If we didn't, my dear archetype, we wouldn't be having this conversation because we'd have both thought the same thing.

[YK, sitting up twice as fast] DEAR!? [gives Y2K a look] Bloody fairy! [falls backward onto the bed]

[Y2K] Great. I say "hey" and he mistakes me for that insane ball of light in "Legends of Zelda: Ocarina of Time."

[YK] Go to sleep. [Y2K lies back down] Computer, deactivate lights. [Fade to black]

"Chief put the espitetne on screen." mcfairlane turns to face the screen pulls his cardie straight cricks his neck and smooths his hair.
the face of the espiretnes captain appears on the viewscreen.
"Captain."
"Captain"
"We understand that you require assistance with combating the threat of the deadly somethings currently ravaging earth?"
"Yes, we would appreciate any assistance you could render us."
macfairlane sits back down in his command chair, his head in his hand,
"I dont believe you, you know."
"im sorry i dont follow you."
"I just dont believe you, I wasnt 2 minutes ago you were rubbishing our narrative drive, while belittleing our attempts at introducing diverse new plot elements, it was 'you're rubbish' and 'shut up'. well im sorry captain the answers no! chief viewsceen off!"
mcfairlane sinks back in his chair his hands trembling at his sudden outburst.
But then he thinks to himself of all the bad people who there are still on the earth, the wars, the disease, the poverty and famine.
Even with all their advanced technology some one still had to pay for it all, yes he thought to himself Im probably doing them a favor letting them get wiped out.
He gets up and walks to his ready room, Hoping that it wouldnt be too long before he saw his own planet, his wife and his son.
He stops,
"Chief plot a pursuit course after the espitetne."
"but capt,"
"I SAID TURN US AROUND GODDAMITT!!!!!..............."

* being a good documentary-maker, MaW prefers to be unseen while filming, to make sure that the events taking place are perfectly natural. Since that is now not possible, he has to settle for a slightly less desirable alternative. *

Everybody just act naturally and I'll donate ten percent of the profits from this film to you to redecorate in here. How can you live in such a dump? I mean, your ventilation shafts are so clogged with dust that it's a wonder you can breath at all between asthma attacks and sneezing fits.

* fiddles with the zoom on the camera *

Oh well. I just make the documentary. I don't write the script.

Pardon me -- er, us, p500e, but Esirpretne is Enterprise spelt backwards. Just for future reference.

I would of thought even the dimmest of you out there would of realised i am painfully unobservant and that i cant spell.
just for future reference.

[YK] Sorry.

[Y2K] Should we get your legion of fleets of starfighters ready?

[YK] Yeah. Let's go.

*Thinks about who we could redecorate the ship with the money that Maw has promised, DEFINATELY NOT Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen*

Who's that?

Believe me, you don't want to know who Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen is as he's a fate worse than the Horrible Somethings. He's a celebrity interior designer person for a programme on the BBC called "Changing Rooms". He'd make the Esirpretne look like a Bedoin tent or something awful like that.

[A one man starfighter flies out of the Esirpretne's shuttle bay. A moment later another one flies back into it. After Y2K gets into it, the two join the rest of the legion of fleets]

*Looks at viewscreen*
Vow, look at the combined Doughnut Federation fleet...
The Horrible Somethings don't have a chance...
*As if on cue, a massive Horrible Something fleet drops out of warp, it being at least 4 times the size of the Federation fleet*
Ah...
*Another fleet drops out of warp, this one being the Pizzar fleet*
Oh...

My Bjorg analatical skills predict a 0.0005% chance of success, unless...

*looks at the viewscreen & feels like she's about to collapse at the sight of so many ships*

*Thinks*

What we need to do is hide the Earth somehow from the Horrible Somethings and The Pizzars....

*Another large fleet arrives*

... oh and the Rodentars....

*And another*

... Everyone else who's tried to kill us ...

*Followed by a small shuttle*

...And what do you know, Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen


Is it possible to use an amplified SEP field to hide Earth from their scanners?

Or...we culd get Lawrence to decorate the Earth perhaps...? Making it unrecognisable to all...

This is Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen, celebrity interior designer and soon to be leader of planet Earth.

Surrender at once and prepare to be boarded.

Resistance is futile.

oh god!

I didn't think he'd be on *their* side...must have a contract not to decorate with them or something...

Perhaps they make his clothes for him...