h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sounds like the kind of thing I used to say at the cafe when the cleaning bot was out.

OK. *tries to look as if she arrived in the corridor by accident and is not a target*

[Washington] Hold your fire!

[They stop firing]

[Washington] [under breath] I hope they don't find this area's psychic supressor...

[YK] [looks him in the eye] Pardon?

[Washington] N-nothing.

[Washington's eye twitches upward. YK promptly smashes the strange-looking generator sticking out from the ceiling. The guards resume firing, and YK now easily deflects their blasts]

[YK] [to the others] RUN!

[YQ joins him; YC slips his lightsaber out of his boot and joins them]

Okay, let's let the Jedi handle this. The rest of us have digging to do.

*Affy leads the way back to the back door, and steps out. Notices that Billy the Kid has reappeared since YK demolished the generator*

Okay, I'll wait for a few other people to get here before striking across the desert and getting back to the dig site.

*Lil is glad to follow right behind Affi and she beams with joy to see the three cowboys slouching in their saddles. Scattered across the ground are tatters of metallic fabric, except for the hatbands which the cowboys have fashioned with their hunting knives. A short distance away, four guards are roped together, looking dumbfounded*

Affi, maybe it would be best for our new friends if you neuralised those fellows...

Probably.

*Affy sets his gauntlet to neuralizer, and approaches the four tied up guards. He puts on his sunglasses, and flashes them. He removes his sunglasses, and gives them all a stern look*

I can't believe you four! You should know better than to toy around in this desert!

*The four people look at each other, confused*

What, you don't remember anything? Here, lemme explain: there was a solar flare that bounced off of Venus, and came to this spot right after a weather balloon exploded. The force of the explosion, combined with the light of the solar flare and explosion probably knocked you unconcious, and the strands of the weather balloons collapsed around all of you, merging into a thick rope, and during the fall it improbably twisted around you thanks to a few odd post-tornado breezes, thus tying the four of you up. Like I said, you four should *really* be more careful in this desert.

*Affy turns away from them, and sternly crosses the first dune that must be traverssed for them to get back to the dig site. He maintains his composure before breaking into maniacal laughter*

Now I know why MIBs always make up phony stories like that. They're so much fun to confuse people with right after a neuralization! I'm going to have to remember this one.

*follows right behind Affy and Lil, chuckling at Affy's creativity*

*following the pedestrians*
That's the tallest tale I done heard yet. Say, why has less of you come back than as went in?

And what was that you said before about work for us? Is that payin' work?

*Back in the complex, alarms are sounding. Squads of men in black body armour and masks are moving into position. The sound of boots hitting metalwork comes from every direction. The atrium in which the Jedis and UH find themselves is emptied of guards. The sound of pressurised air escaping can be heard. UH spins around, only to see the corridor shut off by a thick metal door. He turns around. All the other exits have been sealed as well. Another sound is heard - the sound of gas slowly filling the room...*

*GL is just catching up to the group in the Atrium when a door hisses down in front of him, blocking off the Atrium. GL hears the hissing sound and deduces what it means. He runs back down the corridor and takes another corridor at right angles. He despirately looks for some sort of control room as he runs down the hall way. He passes an air vent, low on the wall, then stops and turns around. He quickly prys open the grill and crawls in, replacing the grill behind him. He crawls down the tunnel towards the Atrium, passing several branching tunnels. At the wall to the Atrium, the vent has been sealed by thin metal door. GL pushes a button on the gold wolf's head handle on his cane. A blade flashes out of the tip of the cane. GL uses the blade to pry underneath the door. The door holds momentarily, then something above it snaps and the door flys upwards, then returns, but is now hanging loosely. GL pushes it up and kicks open the grill behind it.*

Quick, everyone. Over here.

[YK] Gas!

[He hands the kind of breath filter Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon used in TPM to UH, and then he, YC, and YQ hold their breaths.]

[Cut to outside the atrium. Seven MIBs head toward the sealed door.]

[First MIB] Cover for me.

[Third MIB] Roger, roger.

[The door opens, revealling the gas-filled room. A blue blade, a white blade, and a yellow blade arm themselves inside.]

[First MIB] Uh-oh. Blast 'em!

[They fire; the lightsabers make short work of the blasts, sending them right back at the MIBs, who collapse. YK, YC, YQ, and UH head ouside and dispose of the rest in that area]

*Completely ignoring GL in the vent*

Well, you see Mr.... Mr. The Kid, I've been wanting to start up a country/US Desert/Texas/Western type area on h2g2 for a while now. You've got the perfect personality for that kind of thing. Think you could do it, if we get out of this excavation with our lives?

*grins* Lives is greatly overrated. I beg yer pardon, I should say, death is no big deal.

If you got a place in mind where a man can stake a ranch and earn a little money in monte, then I reckon I'm up fer that.

*Charlie and Tom nod*

Nice to hear that. Once I get the area fully loaded up, I'll be sure to inform you.

Awooga! Awooga!

*As they dash down the corridor, not having heard GL, UH draws his trusty uzi, the 'piecemaker', and follows YK's lead. They come to a big hall. Black Marble decor, big square pillars, and, at one end, a guard station (all matrix style). The room is full of guards, manning a checkpoint. UH saunters up to the man on duty*

GUARD: ID, plaese sir

UH: Certainly
*He reacheses into his pocket, and then withdraws his hand slowly, clenched. The guard watches as UH brings his hand up close to the guard. He opens his fist, smiling. When the guard sees it empty, he goes for his holster. His hand is unbuttoning the pouch as he is punched senceless. With the same motion, UH dives sideways,a voiding a shower of bullets.*

[YK] Here's the exit!

[They rush over to a large blast door; several other Bad Guys head over after them. YK plunges his lightsaber into the door and starts to slice it. YC and YQ deflect the blasts, while UH contributes to the blasts but in the other direction. Cut to Washington]

[Washington] Seal off that exit.

[Cut to the exterior. Several blast doors close over the original doors. Cut back to YK, who withdraws his lightsaber and then plunges it back into the middle of the blast door. Then, several robots with shield generators rush over]

[YC] YK! Destroyers!

[The robots arm their shields and start blasting away. The deflected blasts don't harm them through their shields.]

[YQ] Bloody shields!

[YK] It's a standoff! Let's scram!

[They run out of that bit, too fast for it to be anything but usage of the Force]

*begins walking back toward the dig site*

*Casually strolls towards the crash site*

Lil, would you care for some lemonade?

*Pulls a harmonica out of one of her safari jacket pockets*

Would you like some music on the walk back to the site? Feel free to sing along.

*Begins to play Darling Clementine.*

Cool! Do you know "Goodnight Irene"?
*accepts lemonade and tries not to stare at Billy the Kid*