h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Do you have your ?

*looks around changing room.*
Nobody about is it safe to slip my vest off?
*Starts pulling vest up - gets as far as knees...*

*skids to a halt*
Nope - not under the exercise bikes

!!!

!!!

Please, don't!

*Approaches first machine with some trepidation. Lifts leg to level of platform and puts arm through arch made by leg. Turns head to face platform and stretches.*

Large bloke with huge biceps and chest hair bristling over lurex top: Are you having trouble using the water fountain?

*Falls on head on wooden floor and reassembles self as best as possible.*
Water fountain? I thought it was an exercise machine.
*Hairy gent points to row of glistening chrome and matt black machines.*

Thanks you. *hoiks vest up to knees, sucks in belly and heads for 'the burn.'*

!!!

*Eyes machine suspiciously. Puts feet into stirrups and head into noose. Locks left hand into cuff and wraps belt around waist. Adjusts weights setting to 'minimum' and speed to 'slow' sets distance to 0 and time to 10 seconds. Takes a deep breath and presses the 'on' button. Noise of motors and stretching ligaments fills the air. This is so loud that it almost drowns out the strangled screams from Vestie's throat.*
Wuhaaaaaaaaa!
*Noise of joints being doubled and hernias being strangled*
Wuhooooooooo!
*Noise of bones cracking and disks popping*
Wuhuuuuuuuuuuuu!
*Machine stops*

Bristly man with big muscles: Why have you climbed onto the floor buffer?

*skids on recently buffed floor* woaaaaahhhh!!!!

*CRASH!!!*

Er...ow...how's the training going?

Well I'm sweatier now then when I came in!!!

*Slightly dismembered figure limps and crawls to next piece of equipment and pulls self onto it. Slips feet onto pedals and tightens velcro, presses random buttons on control panel and slips semic coma like into steady rhythm of the 'Exercise Bike Double Plus Ai Caramba!'
Noise of muscles being shredded and knees being pummelled. Head rolls aimlessly as machine lights flicker from green... to yellow... to red... to BRIGHT RED. Smoke rises from pedals as feet become nothing but a blur.*

Show off!!!

*Handlebars melt into useless goo. Pedals become disconnected and fly off in separate directions. Seat disintegrates leaving pointy tubular prong in unsavoury position on Vestie's anatomy. Noise of almost lifeless body collapsing into heap. Faint whimpers are heard as the corpse in waiting drags itself towards the rowing machine*

*Blows whistle*

Right - that's enough for now. Warm down, warm down!

*Wonders what 'warm down' means. Hands Vestie a bottle of lucozade and a mars bar*

Very sporty those, so I'm told.

*Puts on training video. Footage of the American sprinter Duane Tryumfo crossing the line*

See the dip? See that? That's where we've got to concentrate - the dip!

*Sucks lucozade through mars bar*
This is all very well but I've been entered for the high dive. I'm dreading gettting the vest near that much chlorinated water!

Yes, over Vestboy on those machines. Must go take cold shower now.

And Trin is that "online" dip your preparing? I'll have some of that.

*Hilary shambles in with a tray around his or her neck: on it is a bowl of onliné dip and a plate of crisps, little bits of cucumber and so on*

(Hilary has been practising his or her shambling quite a lot recently and is getting very good at it)

High-dive, eh? How many twizzles are you planning on? Half-turns? Pikes? Or were you thinking of something a bit more direct?

*Thinks about Hellies comments and wonders what medication she is on.*
Well I'm going to try something new in the high diving world and see if it pays off. We're going to freeze the top board and I'll be wearing ice skates so I'll come out of the starting blocks with a couple of spins and a triple salco and hope to do a 3 and an half double tuck and shave both my legs with the blades on the way down.

Cor. Do I take it you're entering yourself for the men's figure skating as well? That would be something, two medals with one skate-dive.