h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[Link] ... right.

[They arrive at the pond and find a strange, submarine-like device, capable of holding four people (not countin s)]

[Rodrigo] Huh. Looks interesting.

[George]I'm going to look for the manual in the glove compartment, seeing that ALL vehicles have some sort of glove compartment somewhere...

[Link] Even the flying fortress in "Secret of Mana"?

[Navi] {Hey, that game was made by Squaresoft!}

[Link] AUUGH! Er, sorry! Anyway, what makes you think we'll need a manual? We just get in and use the directional buttons or the joystick to steer. [gets in the sub]

[Rodrigo] Eh. I'm sort of out of my element there...

[Link] RELAX. I can almost guarantee that it'll be airtight.

[Rodrigo] [alarmed] And if it isn't??

[Navi] {No video game character ever got hurt by swimming to depths of 500 feet, did he? And the only game where they had to change clothes afterward was Final Fantasy 5!}

[Link] Hey, that game was made by Squaresoft!

[Navi] {AUUGH! Sorry!}


There is friction between Nintendo (the makers of the Zelda games) and Squaresoft (the makers of Final Fantasy).

Can't we all just get along and go along for the ride? (George get's in and fastens his seatbelt)

[Link] Sure!

[The sub starts downward under the water]

[Link] Say, this looks a lot deeper than it should be.

[George] Just a logical question here: If we are in the sub, that means that Prof. Kramer is on land, not under the water.

[Link] Nah, it's probably just a plot device.

[Cut to an underwater base]

[Kramer] [still played by Patrick Stewart] What do you MEAN, it returned to the surface???

[Droid] An agent from Plot Devices, Inc. beamed down here, and then he took the submarine away, and ...

[Kramer] Dhaooh!! We'll just have to deal with whoever gets down here.

[George]I'm turning on the headlights so we can find Kramer's Base. (The lights bounce glairingly off Patrick Stewart's bauld head)

We're not close enough yet.


[Link] There. That looks like a good place to start. [points at an alcove]

[The sub heads toward the alcove and enters, revealling ...]
















[...an orchestra performed by various .]

[Link] What the ...

[The fish look up at the sub. The conductor, a lobster, waves at them]

[Lobster] [German accent, hereinafter] Oi! Here come visitors! Hallo, landlubbers!

[Link] [switching on the external speaker] Landlubbers??

[Lobster] Ja! Ja! Vas ist up vith das? [Translation: "Yeah! Yeah! What is up with that?" The sentence consists of cognates (words that sound like what they mean in English]

[Link] Vas ist up vith WHAT?

[Lobster] Ah, do you vant to see ze orchestra?

[George]That depends, is there an admition charge?

[Lobster] Of course not! Merely that you rid us of a troublesome octopus. Er, bubblefish, get us the air pocket!

[Several bizzare-looking bubbly fish swim in and make a bubble on a sort of stage. The bubble is big enough for Link, George, Saria, and Rodrigo to comfortably stand up in, along with three of the submarine]

[Link] That where we're going?

[Lobster] Ja. Ja. Just set it down here ... and enter the Octopus!

[A bizzare pink octopus swims in. Yes, it is the same one]

[Ultros] Uweee hee hee hee! Game over! [swims into the bubble] Don't tease the octopus, kids!

[Lobster] Music, please!

[The orchestra starts up with Ultros' music from FF6. Battle begins against Ultros]

[George]Have you met this octopus? (Gee, I never thought I'd have to say that!) Hate for him to burst our bubble, so I'm getting back into the sub.

[Link swings his sword at Ultros]

[Ultros] Yeeowtch! Seafood soup!

[Saria uses Hyper Light on Ultros]

[Ultros] I ain't no ... garden-variety octopus!

[Rodrigo uses Sacred Fire on Ultros.]

[Ultros] GH'DAAAAA!

[Link] Hm ... he seems to have a Fire weakness. Let's adjust our battle strategy a little.

[Link fires a Fire Arrow at Ultros, Saria uses Hyper Fire, and Rodrigo also uses Hyper Fire]

[Ultros] Ah -- er -- ugh -- [unintelligible sputter] That's all, folks! [exit]

[The orchestra changes to the Victory Fanfare from Final Fantasy]

[George] Lobster-dude, where can we find Patrick Stu- I mean, Prof. Kramer?

[Lobster] He hass a behs around here someplace. [gestures vaguely in the direction Ultros had come from] Thataway, I think.

*Affy watches through the window on the Temporizer he constructed as the giant robot that he sent back in time makes short work of the sphere, even before Krill, Tonks, and Affy had to leave Zork. Affy carefully makes sure that the robot stays within the Time Tunnel until after it is destroyed, so that it can find the CS and destroy it before the Sphere can regenerate*

Krill-I still highly object to this.

Affy-Why? It's not like it'll affect any of us, after all. And, it destroys your Central Spell before it can recharge, thus saving everyone else a lot of work. The robot isn't even sentient, so it won't care about being stranded in the collapsing time vortex that ensues. The Universe is saved, and the you on the other side is realizing all of that.

Krill-So what are we doing here then? Shouldn't we have ceased to exist by changing this.

Affy-No, I provided for that. We're protected by the very act of the temporal dynamics going on, and will merge with our other selves upon meeting them.

Krill-Oh...

*Uncomfortable silence*

Affy-Well, I'm done here. Back to my experiments in the trees...

*Affy departs, to power up his TRC back at the lab*

[The sub heads for the base]

[Saria] Are we gonna blow this one up?

[Rodrigo] Miss Saria, you almost sound as if you're enjoying this.

[Saria shrugs]

[Link] Huh. George, let's keep our distance for a mo. I want to see what's on the far side.

[George]In that case, lets turn on the sonar and turn off the headlights. I aslo suggest we swerve around a bit so Kramer will think we are a big fish.

[Link] Right. [adjusts controls] Headlights off, sonar on.

[SFX: Pinging of sonar, which continues under the rest of the scene]

[Link] And we swerve a bit ... [the scene shakes a bit]

[George] Wow. You'd almost believe this was a genuine sub, and in no way a cheaply made movie set. *boom mike appears in the corner of the shot* *Gopher walks by with *