h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'd say laconic.
Can you [box] give us any clue as to what we have to do here, or do I have to stuff you full of old, moldy mints???

[Box] You're rather touchy today, aren't you? Well, it just so happens that if the correct combination were input, I would get smashed to bits by a raving Deltus.

[Link] A what?

[Sagittarius] It's a kind of cross between a bird and a woman. Kinda like the Sirens, only it doesn't bother trying to lure anybody into anything.

[Box] Yes, it just kills them. [sarcastic] But if you manage to kill it, the tree turns back into that Kokiri mage, so even if I'm crushed, what's the bother, eh?

[Link] Hm.

[uncomfortable pause]

[Link] What's the combination?

Was that the same bird I saw back at post 336?

[Box] No. That one was rainbow-colored. Deltus is to a chocobo as a mermaid is to a salmon.

[Link] Then its lower half is bird-like and its upper half is human-ish?

[Box] Yes.

[Sagittarius] What about the combinatioin?

[Box] There are 23 dials with 15 possibilities for EACH, so there's 1,122,274,146,401,882,171,630,859,375 possible combinations. That's one OCTILLION, one hundred twenty-two septillion, two hundred seventy-four sextillion, one hundred forty-six quintillion, four hundred one quadrillion, eight hundred eighty-two trillion, one hundred seventy-one billion, six hundred thirty million, eight hundred fifty-nine thousand, three hundred and seventy five!

[Link] [whistle] That's a rather lot, isn't it?

[Navi] {I think he noticed.}

[Box] Exactly! Either you can try EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, which would take you until the heat death of the Universe, or you could try being clever, which also won't help you seeing as nobody likes a wise guy! Or, you could try to give up, and let me be!

[Link] You don't lead a very constructive life as it is.

[Sagittarius] Yeah. I mean, couldn't you just tell us and put yourself out of your misery?

[Box] Nope. The will to live outweighs everything else.

(to box) But what kind of a life are you living? Your a box stuck in a tree wher bugs lay their eggs on you and birds 'plop' on you. Wouldn't you be happier in machanical heaven, where all electronics, from toasters to androids, go? If you give us a hint at the combo, or tell us where to look for the combo, you'll go straight to heaven for performing your design task.

[Box] I already DID give you a hint! In fact, I SAID the combination! Besides, my purpose is to HINDER you! But, if you insist, try "Blintywurdle Fruit Cake". Oh, wait, there isn't a U ... or try "Poodle Stomping Knights", that works ... except for the T. Er, howabout ...

[Link] Oh, shut up!

[Navi] {Now, what did he say that might be the combination ...?}

Was it that mermaid-salmon thing?

I've got it! "NOBODY_LIKES_A_WISE_GUY"

[I'm assuming that George actually input that. So ....]

[The box gets blasted open from within]

[Link] Wow! You figured it out faster than I figured out the Bomb Puzzle in Starship Titanic!

[It becomes apparent that what has blown the box open was the aforementioned Deltus. The tree beneath them shimmers, as though it is having trouble existing, or it's a holodeck image in the process of being removed. The Deltus has the lower half of a bird -- possibly a chicken or a chocobo. It has the upper half of a woman with long green hair, and the eyes of a bird as well]

[Deltus] SSKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

[Link] I think we're dealing with something that doesn't have the power of speech! [draws sword and Z-targets Deltus]

How about this? You fight the bird-woman and i'll build us a nice safe scafolding to stand on before the tree gives way beneath us.

I would like to invite you all to my newly recommended page on the Bonsai at http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A532135

Try using the GuideML tags.


[Link] Don't worry. I know this kind of game. The tree will ONLY disintigrate when we're done with the boss, if then: we may have a mad dash down the thing. [dodges a swipe from Deltus's claws] Er, just build us an easy path down.

[Link slashes at Deltus, and Sagittarius offers it a roundhouse punch and a knuckle sandwich]

Mmmmm, pig-knuckle sandwitches. Anyway, I am now magically building a spiral ramp from our location to the base of the tree. It will take me about twenty minutes.

[Link] Great! Could you give us a hand when you're done? [stabs at Deltus]

[Sagittarius] Yeah! This thing's getting tough! [punches Deltus]

I don't have anything deadly on me, being Master of Saifty. I mean, everything except my scisors...
(flies up on broom and stabs bird-woman with pointy scisors)

[More fighting against Deltus, which tries to knock George off his broom with its wings, while simultaneously scratching both Link and Sagittarius. It fails on all three counts]

I think you've got this under control. I'm going to finnish the ramp. Maybe we will find a use for those mushrooms...

[Link does his Spinning Blade trick. The screen flashes. Deltus becomes a white silhouette, which fades to yellow and translucency, then to red and transparency, then to invisibility. The tree chooses that moment to cease to exist]

[Link] Oh phooey. [starts falling, accompanied by Sagittarius]

[Sagittarius] Is this the end of our academic career?

[The following is almost a direct quote from the Radio Show of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Fit X. I paraphrased on bits that were specific to Link's situation]

It is often said that a disproportionate obsession with purely academic or abstract matters indicates a retreat from the problems of real life.
However, most of the people engaged in such matters say that this attitude is based on three things: ignorance, stupidity, and nothing else.
Philosophers, for example, argue that they are very much concerned with the problems posed by "real life": like for instance "What do we mean by real?" and "How can we reach an empirical definition of life?" and so on.
One definition of life, albeit not a particularly useful one, might run something like this: "Life is that property which a being will lose as a result of falling from the height of several thousand feet due to the fact that the three-mile-high tree he/she/it was just in has suddenly ceased to exist".
This is not a useful definition a) because it could equally well refer to the harness and winch used by the subject, and b) because it fails to take into account the possibility that the subject might happen to fall onto the back of ... say ... an extremely large passing bird. The first of these flaws is due to sloppy thinking, but the second is understandable because the mere idea is quite clearly utterly ludicrous.

[Link and Sagittarus fall onto the back of an extremely large passing (rainbow-colored) bird]

[Rodrigo] Look, this is utterly ludicrous!

[Here ends the adaptation from the H2 radio episode]

[Link] Who are YOU??

[Rodrigo] I am Rodrigo the Phoenix.

[Link] Could you bring us to the ground? Or at least to a hight where falling won't kill us?

[Rodrigo] Fine, fine, I'll bring you to tree level. But don't let this happen again! [flies downward]

(shouting from the ground)
Will you two please stop horsing around? There is a tree becoming a person down here!

[Link jumps down from Rodrigo's back and falls ten feet]

[Link] I sorta noticed that.

[The haze of energy that five minutes ago was a huge tree finally disappears in a huge blast of white light, knocking everyone (including Rodrigo) over. For a moment, nothing happens.]





[After a moment, nothing continues to happen.]





[Nothing happens again. It briefly considers not happening, but then it gives up, when suddenly it is interrupted by Link getting up. He walks forward and finds Saria, lying face up on the ground, apparently unconscious.]

[Link] Hmm. [feels her pulse on her neck]

[Rodrigo] [getting to his feet] Look, this is utterly ludicrous!

[Sagittarius] I second that.

[Rodrigo] I mean, bad enough that you had to fall on me like that, but /this/ --

[Link] Look, buster, we didn't expect /that/ to happen any more than we expected the tree to just vanish like that. I suggest you be more considerate than a Wolfos with a thorn in its paw.

[Rodrigo] [confused] Eh?

[Navi gets close enough for Rodrigo to hear him]

[Navi] {It's a Hylian reference.}

[Rodrigo repeats himself]

[Link] I come from a planet called Hylia, and ...

[Rodrigo] Ah.