h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*The brightly lit, lavish, and well supplied Rec Hall is unusually quiet. However, within just a few moments, two figures enter. The first looks to be a seventeen year old humanoid girl, but with eyes that indicate a degree of mischief and intelligence that very few humans of that age truly have. The second, a large, bear-like creature with two mamoth tusks jutting out of its mouth, enters while grinning like a maniac*

Well, that went over fairly easily, don't you agree Tusk?

*The large creature nods*

I personally think that this place's reputation is over rated. I mean really, they didn't do a very thorough background check of our record. They should've known that the two of us had friends that could help bail us out. Cthulhu was more than grateful to finally pay us for babysittiny his spawn by teleporting us out of that cell and delivering our weapons to us. My Althian Telekinetic Cribs were more than a match for the guards that I met. And you aren't strong enough to activate strength sappers, but you're more than strong enough to take out all of the guards that were too much for me. Ready to watch some TV while we wait?

*Before any TV can be watched, however, a message appears on a monitor. The babysitters jump over and read it*

Hmmmn....our nameless Althian Bounty Hunter friend sure is up on it. Looks like our getaway ship is drawing ever nearer!

*Stephanie and Tusk await a complete report from the Althian Bounty Hunter. A text message eventually pops up*


Opposition: Defeated-Our combined strength and weaponry proved to be more than a match for the opposition offered that, while considerable, was still an easily defeated challenge.

Status Of B.E.T.T.E. Members:
The Ancient One-Still imprisoned. Being the most obviously powerful of our squadron, he is still trapped. His primary body, the gigantic brain capable of space flight with interior portions capable of sustaining life, is still trapped within a gigantic prison cell inside a mountain. A clone of his original self, however, was retrieved from a cell. The telepathic waves of the brain can not reach this clone, however, meaning that the clone is of little use to us at the present time.

Stephanie & Tusk-Current location: the Prison Guard Rec Hall. Stephanie and Tusk, the most evil and powerful babysitters in the known Universe, were the first to escape thanks to their ability to instantly call up previously clients to collect payment. They cashed in a long-standing debt owed to them by Cthullhu in order for teleportation out of their cells, with all of their weapons at their disposal. They began freeing the other members of B.E.T.T.E. quickly.

Althian Bounty Hunter-Current location: Primary Bridge. The first member of B.E.T.T.E. freed by Stephanie & Tusk, is currently typing this message. All weapons have been retrieved from the storage armory that they were kept in.

RW-X10.1029-Robot Warrior, model X10, unit #1029. Current Location: Primary Bridge. This Robotic Warrior that gained sentience during an early reconaissance mission to determine if their was life on Earth, is currently attempting to hack into the security systems to free The Ancient One.

Zakkry Johbsor-Current Location: Primary Bridge. Zakkry is currently using his unrivalled mind for gaining profit to determine the best course of action based on the current inventory of supplies, and the current roster of imprisoned villains to determine what would statistically be the wisest course of action.


Escape Plan: We have been able to contact a group of Mad Scientists. One of these scientists, a Dr. Greklas, is the scientist who designed the prototype that RW-X10.1029 is based on. We have made a deal with this group to escape. Not surprisingly, neither side trusts the other entirely, but at the present time we feel that it would behoove us all to accept the offer of the mad scientists freely as they truly have little to gain aside from Galaxy-Wide Infamy.


Stephanie-GREAT! It's just a waiting game now! Before you know it, Tusk, we'll be back on the Galactic Scene playing with the big boys again!

*Tusk nods, grinning maniacally*

*The message screen beeps again, and Stephanie and Tusk look up from their game of pool. Upon reading the note, they learn that the Castle is within visual range of the asteroid, and that The Ancient One is nearly freed from his cell*

Tusk-Good.

Stephanie-Very good. Very good indeed....We should head to the Primary Bridge, I suppose. You know, just to encounter the mad scientists when they first arrive.

*Stephanie and Tusk both rise and leave*

*Stephanie and Tusk re-enter the Rec Hall, as this is what she had been calling the "Interrogation Brig" for weeks. She pulls out the Althian Bounty Hunter's Althian Telekinetic Crib, sets it to open in ten seconds and tosses it to the far side of the room. She stands and watches the Crib expand to a decent height for the person within the Crib, though the Crib itself is still fairly well contained. Kudos The Alien appears within the Crib*

Stephanie-Now then, I have a few questions to ask you. Why did your group open fire upon us? Yes, we are criminals, but as we're trying to escape with our lives we were willing to be patient.

*Stephanie finishes her pre-prepared sentence and stares at Kudos in vague recognition for a moment*

Stephanie-I'm pretty sure that I've seen you before....

*Kudos shakes himself, a little disoriented. He glares at Stephanie with a raised eyebrow*

Questions, questions. I didn't start firing until someone started throwing Cribs at me. And they're not my "group", really--in fact, those were mainly enemies of a sort.

*pauses* I don't think I've seen YOU before, but being a criminal, it wouldn't be very unusual for you to recognize another villain, I s'pose... so, what do you want with me, anyway?

I think that I accidentally said that Lil was in that crib. Ignore that, sorry for the inconvenience.


*Stephanie approaches the transparent wall of the crib smiling while Tusk approaches as well, glaring at Kudos from behind*

Stephanie-Tell me what it is that you and those people-that-you-were-grouped-together-with-even-though-they-aren't-your-group are doing on this asteroid and what you were doing on Dr. Greklas' Castle to begin with.

*fingers Binary Blaster*

I don't know why I should tell you, really. Other than the fact that I'm not here of my own free will, nor see how it leads to what I'm looking for...

Stephanie-Oh, not here of your own free will? That's a shame. Kids play better when left to their own devices. Now, if you tell me what it is that you're looking for, maybe I'll understand your motives better. Perhaps we share a common interest. And if it's true that you're not of their group, perhaps you wouldn't mind working for mine. I can tell that you're an Alien and not a human, that much is obvious. You've also admitted to being a villain, which is a good quality in a person. I can offer you shelter if you were to, say, backstab the others in some way. Is there some hidden agenda that this other group that you're with has?

Well, I try to be my own free agent whenever I can. The villain that I am loosely associated with gets in the way sometimes, but other than that, I try not to make any alliances.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it so happens that their agenda is roughly the same as mine, though for different reasons, which is why I have to be the first to have a crack at it. See you around... or not.

*steps toward the door*

*Kudos walks right into the transparant wall of the Althian Telekinetic Crib*

Stephanie-Now now, young man! It's not safe out there! We're in a dangerous place filled with dangerous people.

*Tusk growls*

Stephanie-You shouldn't leave your baby sitter's play area! OF course, if you really want to, I could have you sent back to where the main action is at the moment.

*rubs his sore nose annoyedly*

Baby-sitter. Yuch. Now I *really* want to go home.

*points Blaster at Stephanie*

I've noticed these cribs don't take kindly to attacks on their fundamental code, and my Blaster's had time to recharge. Let me out, and maybe I'll give you a listen. MAYbe.

Stephanie-Oh, Tusk, it seems our friend is throwing a tantrum!

*Tusk growls in agreement*

Stephanie-Young man, where I come from we don't take kindly to people threatening baby-sitters. And believe me, I've had more powerful kids than you try. Tusk and I have contained the children of Cthullhu! We've captured powerful mages and cybernetic assasins! On the planet Earth we've been able to keep the super-villain organization STUMPED in line on multiple occasions, something that Minos Krylma himself was rarely capable of accomplishing! If you can break out of that Crib, the Crib that's designed to survive a pan-dimensional life-forms attacks, then by all means, escape. Tusk and I will be waiting to rumble against you when you do.

*starts blasting at the Cube, at point-blank range. The wall shimmers, starts collapsing, and a few stray bytes fly at Stephanie and Tusk*

*Stephanie and Tusk easily sidestep the bytes and watch as the Crib's wall rebuilds itself*

Stephanie-Nice try, but you'd pretty much have to destroy all six faces of that Crib simultaneously in order to circumvent the self-repairing systems. I think that we've learned all that we can learn here.

*Stephanie pushes some buttons on one of her own Cribs, and Kudos returns to ABH's Crib Zone as the Crib returns to a standard size*

Stephanie-Tusk, go get another Crib!

*Tusk leaves, and returns minutes later with a crib*

*Stephanie activates this new Crib in a similar fashion and watches as another person appears inside the expanded Crib*

Stephanie-Now then. WHAT exactly do you want here? What is your mission? And what, pray tell, possessed you to open fire on the only group of criminals powerful enough to ever escape from their cells at this prison?

*Lil finds herself standing facing away from Stephanie and Tusk, looking at the rest of the rec hall. After the visual monotony of the Cube Zone, she takes a few moments to feast her eyes on her surroundings before she turns to look at her captors*

Hello. My name's Lil. Who are you? And who does your hair?

Stephanie-*Grins* My name's Stephanie, and I am a member in good standing with B.E.T.T.E., and am one of the two greatest baby-sitters in the Galaxy (with my partner Tusk as the other one). *Tusk growls in agreement* My hair is laced with nanites that can keep my hair neat and clean while shaping it into the latest styles and fashions. So you could argue that I do my own hair, or that Sylvia, the stylist who programmed my Nanites in Palm Springs, did it once and I never needed to return for another trip. But enough about me, I wanna know about you, little lady. Specifically, I need you to tell me the answers to those three questions that I asked just when you arrived.

*astonished* Little Lady!

Assuming that you're not looking for a philosophical disquisition regarding the vector of my personal experience, I can only tell you that my life seems lately to be measured in teleportation events. The most unsettling was the one that brought us to the entrance to Dr. Greklas' Castle. No matter where we went, there was something trying to kill us -- mainly zombies, with the occasional lith or giant squid.

We had set out hoping to rescue a dear old friend named Afgncaap5 who is actually my landlord, and once we found a way into the castle we thought we had found him, but he turned out to be some other entity disguised as Affi. Someone called Trinitron or Tristram or something like that. We were in tunnels, I recollect, which I hate. I have claustrophobia, you know. Once it takes me over I quite lose my presence of mind.

At any rate, there we were, still having to fend off waves of zombies and waves of claustrophobia when we somehow beat our way into the laboratory of Dr. Greklas. Not a very pleasant man. Paranoid, I should say, considering that he was orchestrating so much violence.

Oh, and there was a Philosospher's Stone, but it wasn't really. Turned out to be a fake, I believe that Trinket fellow was responsible. I had it for a while, the fake, I mean, but I threw it away.

We dropped through yet another minirift and found ourselves in the pilot's room of the castle, and the crew were having a most interesting discussion about this prison. Said it was being taken over by crazed psychopaths and would we like to go first.

If you have security tapes, you might like to review my arrival. You'll see that I didn't actually fire as I came through; I dispensed ink, as a way of deflecting any fire being aimed at ~me~. I was quite accustomed to being attacked whenever I arrived by that time. But perhaps I inadvertently stained some part of the ensemble being worn by that fellow that it hurts to look at. At any rate, it became impossible to reason with anybody after that.

And, in view of my experiences at the castle, I am rather surprised that THEY would call anybody here a crazed psychopath. Are there really crazed psychopaths on the loose?

That's about it. I'm one of Affi's Angels, as we style ourselves, a loose federation of otherwise completely unrelated entities who have joined talents to rescue a friend. I'd really rather be at home, playing hostess at my atelier and sculpting planets in my spare time, but this is what you do when a friend needs you.

If you interview the two other entities remaining in that limbo I assume you just pulled me out of, one of them will back up my story. The other one I never saw before in my life but I think I'll adopt it as a pet if you don't mind. The fourth character that you were just talking to, I haven't met him previously. He arrived at the bridge of the castle along with a female compatriot just before we came here. Some of my number recognised them.

Is that a food dispenser over there? I'm awfully hungry.

You really must give me the number of your stylist.

*Stephanie and Tusk listen to this entire story. Tusk seems relatively unphased, but Stephanie's pleasant smile seems to be a bit stiff*

Stephanie-So....you're a friend of Afgncaap5....huh. Last I saw him, he was using that artifact to lead B.E.T.T.E. into a police ambush located dangerously close to a black hole. And the last time I saw him before that, he was foiling my Pop-Up Bounty scheme.

Anyway, I don't know if you'd call us all psychopaths. That term implies that there is no method to our madness. But everyone located within this prison is either very, very mentally disturbed, evil, destructive, chaotic, unlucky, or some strange mixture of the above traits. The five scientists on that castle of yours....they don't know what it means to be a super villain. I'll admit that they're off their rocker. Kooky. And in the cases of two or three of them, they've got some respectably evil tendencies. But they don't take the immense pleasure in evil that we do.

I believe that you've given me all of the information that I need. Any friends of Afgncaap5's are enemies of ours. Had you not mentioned that, I may have been willing to go along with the "it was only ink" defense. There was, I'll admit, a good amount of ink on Zakkry, and I'm willing to go without harming innocents when they're just along for the ride until we can get away from this Ahkmut forsaken Asteroid. But since you're a friend of Afgncaap5, I'll have to reconsider my reconsideration of potential allieship.

Now before I send you to your room without supper, just tell me this: are the scientists of Dr. Greklas' Castle allied more strongly with your group, or with B.E.T.T.E.?