h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sighs*

I don't even know what B.E.T.T.E. stands for or what Affi does when he's not in the salon. I'm not allowed into the back rooms downstairs, and I've never participated in any of his other quests.

It would be wasteful of you to punish my cooperativeness, you know. If I learn that I have nothing to gain by answering your questions, then I also learn that I have nothing to lose by blowing you off.

Remember that you don't really know who I am.

Stephanie-Of course I don't know who you are. If I did, there would be no need for interrogation. In any event, you seem to misunderstand a common link between most arch-villains. We never harm the friends of our enemies if we've no gripe against them personally, we simply imprison them and use them as bait against the enemies. However, if you don't answer me then I can guarantee that I will definitely have a gripe against you. Whether or not we let you escape is still up in the air, as is whether or not we'll let you live. It all depends on our mood.

I take your point, but as I can find no rational basis for your moods, and since being honest with you doesn't seem to help, I'm at a loss as to how to act constructively here.

Stephanie-Honesty doesn't help? Who ever said that? The fact that you were honest about knowing Afgncaap5 probably means that you won't be getting Christmas cards from me anytime soon, but if you ask me it should help a great deal. I may not kill you and your friends in exchange for honesty, you see.

*nods*
May I ask why Afgncaap5 is your enemy? If you've been in this prison, I don't see how you could have interacted with him in the past.

Did I mention there's another person with us in here who was ~not~ captured by you?

We've only been in this prison for a few months, to tell you the truth. Before that, B.E.T.T.E. was united by only two things. First of all, our initials stand for Badnik Extra-Terrestrials Terrorizing Earth. Each one of us either wants to conquer Earth, or has a good deal of evil business on Earth.

The other common interest that we all have is a dislike for Afgncaap5. At the moment, Afgncaap5 hasn't had his "first" encounter with us yet due to a lot of time travelling. We just came from the year 2005, where we briefly captured him (he himself was time travelling and had no memory of most of us). The only members of B.E.T.T.E. that this particular Afgncaap5 has a memory of are myself, my partner Tusk, and the Althian Bounty Hunter. He knows Tusk and I because we have been hired by The Krylma Leader to occasionally take charge of his group STUMPED (to make sure that the super villains play nice. Afgncaap5 ALWAYS interferes somehow), and the Althian Bounty Hunter was the pilot of the UFO that crashed onto Earth when Afgncaap5 was still a working-class scientist and adventurer, living from invention to invention and treasure hunt to treasure hunt, barely able to afford the trips to and back from the locales he had to frequent. You could say that Afgncaap5 owes his current successes to that alien.

As for how the other villains know him, that's not my business to say as that could interfere with the time line. Suffice it to say that they don't like him.

And yes you mentioned it, and yes I'm aware of the Althian Bounty Hunter's other prisoner.

Now. Will you please. Answer. My. QUESTION!

*She's starting to lose some of her baby-sitter charm at this point*

*an expression of distaste flits across Lil's face at the mention of the Krylma leader*

Why, that's right. I've only answered one of your questions, I think, namely why we opened fire, to use your phrase, as soon as we arrived. And that took quite a bit of explaining.

Oh, and I did answer the question as to what my mission is, for all the good it did me.

Then you asked me exactly what I want here, and you didn't specify me in particular or all of us. If, as you imply, Afgncaap5 isn't here, then there's nothing I want here except maybe one of those chocolate bars in the purple and yellow wrapper from that vending machine over there. I don't like this place, although perhaps I'm being unfair in my assessment, as I've not seen much of it.


Your most recent question was whether the scientists back at the castle are more allied with us or with you. Quite bluntly, I don't know whether they are capable of remaining allied with each other for the length of a piece of string. In retrospect, I believe we were put down here as a sort of cat's paw, just to see what you would do.

I can't tell you any more. I could embroider on half-understood asides, but that wouldn't help you, would it.

You've got nanites on your shirt.

Stephanie-Yes, I've always got nanites on my shirt. With millions and millions of microscopic little robots, it's impossible to avoid a few of them falling out of place from time to time.

In any event, I was referring to the question about the scientists (thank you for answering), but I was, as you just revealed, a tad unclear on your total mission. If you're looking for Afgncaap5 *here*, then you may be on the wrong track. He's a hero, my dear, and he's at best a n'er-do-well with only a few tickets for racing asteroids. Sure he's not liked by some warlords and gangsters in the galaxy, but that's not going to get him sent to a place like this. Unless there was a clerical error. He might be in one of the "unknown" cells that we haven't searched yet in that case. Out of curiosity, why did you expect to find him here?

Why did I expect to find him here? *grins* Have you ever heard of holistic detection?

Now, forgive me if I already made this point, but as far as I know, your bounty hunter captured two of us. I was pointing out that there are four of us in here, whatever "here" is. One of the extras arrived under her own power, and the other is... I don't know what it is, but apparently it's been in "here" a very long time.

Stephanie-*nods* We're perfectly aware of the existence of four sentient beings within the Althian Bounty Hunter's cribs. The moment that this third person pulled the vanishing act, we detected the space rift. He has since upgraded his system to prevent such accidents from occurring again.

Now then, are you expecting me to believe that you....I don't know, that you stared at a piece of sand for a few hours and gleaned from it that you would find him on the most desolate, out of the way hunk of rock in the Galaxy? Oh, I'm sorry, we're not even technically *in* the Galaxy, more like hovering around it. So after looking at said sand (or however you holistically detected) you caught the first flight in which simply happened to be Dr. Greklas' Castle, the only "ship" ever constructed that could conceivably make it in short of the Heart Of Gold? You just assume that this tiny fragment of a mineral wasn't lying to you about coming here. You know, taking advice with a grain of salt isn't all it's cracked up to be in my opinion.

FACE-Just a word to all contestants: one or some of you all are very, very, very near to finding Afgncaap5 and claiming the prize of choosing his fate, the fate of Minos Krylma, the Philosopher's Stone and the Elixir of Life and....oh, let's make this interesting....a VegiMatic! Yes, the stakes have just increased! Good luck to you all!


*Stephanie doesn't seem to have heard the message*

I think you are awarding me leadership of the rescue attempt, and I'm afraid it isn't the case. I just followed along. As I'm sure you know, that's equally valid in holistic detection, though. Eventually clues turn up. Or Affi turns up. Or I just get to learn from experience.

*startles as a voice booms in her head, then looks keenly at her captors*

Stephanie-Ah, I see then. You've bought a ticket to a train of events without really checking the final destination. You only had a few leads on where to find Afgncaap5, so you took them in the assumption that you would find him. But what if this isn't the right path? What if you spend the rest of your pitiful life without finding this person? He may be a thousand years in the future in another dimension, or you might go up the elevator when he runs down the stairs. For all you know, your friend is dead. I think, that I've learned all that I need to know from you.

*Stephanie quickly scribbles something on a piece of paper, resumes her cheerful baby-sitter smile, walks to the crib, somehow opens the top of it just enough to slide the paper through, and closes it again*

Stephanie-There's the address and phone number of the person who does my hair. Nice meeting you!

*So saying, the crib shrinks and sends Lil back to the Cube Zone. Stephanie tosses the crib to Tusk*

Stephanie-Get another one, please.

*Tusk leaves and comes back with one just a few minutes later*

*RW's face appears on a monitor*

RW-Stephanie! One of the intruders escaped from ABH's Cribs! We don't know how!

*The monitor shuts off*

Now then, let's see our last little friend.

*Stephanie hurls the Crib to the same place as the previous ones, and watches for the imprisoned to appear*

Stephanie-Alrighty then, do you know where your little friend went to? If you can tell me, I'll give you some fruit snacks!

Who....what...where?

*looks round rather bemused*

It's not purple here, how nice.

*sees Stephanie*

Hi! Would you like a funsize Mars bar?

*holds the packet out.*

Stephanie-*Smiles* Well, thanks a lot! Here, you can have this Fruit Snacks bag in exchange.

*Stephanie qickly opens the lid of Caer's Crib, accepts the bar, hands Caer the bag of Fruit Snacks, and closes the Crib again*

Stephanie-Now then, you're the one that we didn't capture, correct? That must've been fascinating. First glitch in the system that I've seen in ages! You're a clever little debugger, you are. We fixed that problem right up quickly thanks to you!

Now then, one of the other people in the Crib Zone seems to have left somehow. Do you know how or why?

*looks slightly nonplussed at how quickly the crib was opened and closed*

Couldn't you let me out for a little bit? Fruit snacks... interesting, I haven't seen these before.

Sadly, I'm no debugger, I just pressed the icon on my PDA, it is supposed to take me to a place of safety. It takes some time to recharge so I haven't been able to press it again.

Kudos didn't seem to be himself since his return, rather subdued in fact then he just seemed to vanished, I do hope he is alright where ever he is.

*looks hard at Stephanie*

Do you know where he is?

Stephanie-Not at the moment.

*A monitor flicks on, showing the face of the very dangerous looking Robot Warrior*

RW-Stephanie, we've located the escapee! He's somehow appeared in the Vash The Stampede Memorial Corridor!

Stephanie-Have the heroes been defeated?

RW-No, not yet.

*The monitor flicks off*

Stephanie-Sorry about that. Anyway, I'd love to let you out. We could play a board game then, I suppose. But really, I wouldn't be a very good villain if I did that, now would I? Sorry, but you're just going to have to remain a captive for a while.

Now then, I suppose that I had better ask you what you're doing here. The other two cleared it up pretty well, I think, but you might have a little extra info that they forgot.

Well actually, I'm beginning to get rather confused by it all. HRT really doesn't do much to improve your memory, regardless of what the promo the literature says.

Let me see, a message was received in the Salon saying that one of our landlords, who is also an infrequent but always welcome visitor to the Salon, as is anyone who is pleasant company and observes a few basic guidlines. We do enjoy a good chat and the odd snack, you know.

Um, where was I? Oh yes! Anyway Affy had disappeared and we decided to come looking for him.

We have had a bit of a hair raising trip, with Zombies, a Lich and several rather shady characters and we seem to have been shot at a lot.

*smiles brightly at Stephanie but rather wishing she was sitting in her comfy winged armchair back in the Salon*

Stephanie-I see. So you're looking for this landlord of yours. Why did you come to this place? Was there a definite lead that sent you here, or was this prison an accidental stop along your road?