h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah, Affy's Angels, and Bass and Treble! Good to see you all.

*Waves at Irv*

*Looks over the contract.*

Well....I guess it's all in order...

*Takes the pen in his left hand, crosses the fingers of his right hand behind his back, winks, and makes a barely legible scrawl on the paper:*

"Larius Gupus"

*Thinks: "Well, they didn't notice the first time I tried that..."*

Harvey-There aren't any non-compliance sanctions expressly written other than expulsion from the organizations. However, this not only sends a villain or villains back to the stature that he was previously at, but it also has the side effect of practially making him or her an enemy to the majority of the evil doers in the Galaxy. I mean, let's imagine if some telepath with massive mental prowess were to conquer a world when the organizations had granted it to other villains. Suddenly the telepath has the villains who now "rightfully" have the claim to the planet as enemies, as well as (for instance) the entirety of the Bjorg collective, the ruler of the Pizzars, and nearly every bounty hunter for a parsec instantly trying to do him in. It's not a wise situation that a villain can make, and he or she needs to be either very powerful or very fast and adept at hiding when making it.

*Meanwhile, the other scientists are too busy examining the fake Philosopher's Stone to really look at the contract at the moment*

Arithmancer-Amazing! An exact physical duplication without any of the magical qualities present!

Sartasmus-*Appears from the Crypt, supposedly after Irv and Masque* I know! It's horrible! I could make another one, I suppose, but it could take anywhere from an hour to a month depending on the conditions!

Greg-Is the situation with Trinstar under control?

Sartasmus-I believe so. Thanks for activating the stasis field around him.

Harvey-What?

Sartasmus-The stasis field. You created-

Greklas-We can't turn on a stasis field from here.

*A few moments of silence pass as the scientists shoot confused looks at each other*

Sartasmus-Hmmm...right....well, first things first, I suppose. How'll we dispose of these tresspassers?

Greklas-We're not.

Sartasmus-We're not? But....you know that they aren't from the bureaus, don't you? They're obviously spies, or-

Greklas-They're on a quest, and just happened to fall in our direction. As a matter of fact, they're looking for Afgncaap5.

Sartasmus-All the more reason to kill them.

Harvey-Lighten up.

*sips her and then nibbles an Abernethy biccie*

Lovely by the by.

*Dr. Harvey simply beams*

Harvey-Why, thank you! It's an old family recipe, actually, though I've made a few modifications here and there.

[Yar] What kind of modifications?


[Vegeta] [as Harvey] "Oh, the kind that makes your brain melt."

Ah, yes, I thought I recognised the blend of leaves: British Rail circa 1950.

*still considering the consequences of the villain's organisation* Well, it's just that in every story line I've ever heard, there ~is~ just that sort of evildoer, someone with talents and capacities that no-one ever thought of before, and everything goes very inefficiently until the matter is cleaned up by some outside organisation.

And it would be a terrible idea to kill us. It would be bad manners. It would set a bad precedent at this fine hotel you run. And control of Trinstar may only be possible through us, since he seems integrally linked to Afgncaap5 somehow, and we are the only way to control Afgncaap5. If control is the right word...


*quick aside to Garius, sotto voce* But Garius, that's void without my sig- *sees his expression and falls silent*

[Yar] [quickly talking to cover that last bit] Besides, in the interests of ... well, self-interest, if you tried to kill us, we'd probably cause more damage to this entire structure than our lives'd be worth ...


[Vegeta] Like that's much.


[Yar] ... before you succeeded, so ... [shrugs]

[Bass] [morphs his hand into his arm cannon] I can attest to that ... [morphs it back]


[Trunks] He has GOT to be compensating for something with a gun that big.

[Bulma] Well, he's a robot with the appearance and personality of a male, not an actual /male/ per se ...

[Trunks] ... That'd do it.

Harvey-Just to make it clear: we don't all want you dead. Primarily Sartasmus, it seems. He's crankier than the rest of us.

Sartasmus-Quiet, you!

Harvey-In any event, it's funny that you should mention the occasional villains who are too powerful for even these organizations to handle. We happen to be heading out to meet a team of them, really. You see, there's this place called the Andromeda Way Prison.

Arithmancer-It is, without a doubt, the most difficult to escape prison ever constructed. It has security measures beyond any that have ever been seen, so it's nearly impossible to sneak in or out. It has special mechanisms capable of effectively stopping any unique powers or abilities of those who get close to it, ranging from Anti-Magic Fields to Strength-Sappers to Automatic Teleportation Re-Routers to infuriating energy fields capable of shutting off nearly all forms of advanced technology that could be used for an escape attempt.

Greklas-And it's impossible to bribe anyone to release you, because only a select few know who actually owns and runs the prison. It could be some very rich, powerful, and secretive private citizen who wishes to see the Galaxy free from the worst of the evil doers around, it could be some military's admiral, attempting to ensure prolonged peace; it could even hypothetically be an evil villain who doesn't want the competition.

Harvey-However, I've engineered just the way to perform a jail break, based on our respective talents and sciences. This jail break will bring us infamy from around the Galaxy, and bring a level of fear that not even certification can artificially generate! Along with that, we will be potentially gaining allies of the aliens that we're releasing from prison. What're they're names again?

Greg-*Pulling out a notebook, and flipping through a few pages* Um....they're a team of villains who call themselves B.E.T.T.E. (Badnik Extra-Terrestrials Terrorizing Earth). The members are....um,....First is a warrior robot called RW-X10.1029....next is an alien named Zakkry Johbsor who's in the real estate business (by which I mean that he conquers planets and then sells them to the highest bidder)....The Ancient One is some weird entity that has survived for centuries by studying other life forms and taking the best features of them for his own body (his current form is a gigantic exoskeleton that doubles as protection and as a space-ship; he propels himself through space and time thanks to the astounding telekinesis that he's developed by taking the brains of countless other life-forms, and can create genetic "robots" that are capable of working about as efficiently as a human)....one is a nameless Althian Bounty Hunter (claims to be the best in the Galaxy, but that's debateable)....oh, and there are two entities who've always worked together even before they joined B.E.T.T.E. They worked as baby-sitters. One's a human-looking female named Stephanie, and the other is a bear-like creature with saber teeth called Tusk. They claim to be the most ruthless baby-sitters in the Galaxy.

Greklas-Yeah, their resume has some impressive features. They baby sat for Cthulhu and survived, and they also keep an eye on the members of various super villain teams whenever the head villain decides to go on vacation for a while. Although they were captured shortly after working for some villains organization on Earth, which certainly looks like a blemish on an otherwise sparkling record.

[Bulma] I just /knew/ they were going to have something like that at the end.


[Bass and Treble exchange a glance.]

[Bass] Yeah, I think I've heard of them before.

*notes the inconsistencies in Harvey's boasts without comment*

May I have another cup, Sam? Thank you.

Tell us how Trinstar figures in this. And Afgncaap5.

FACE-Hmmm....wonder what Bass and Treble thought when they heard that info....heh-heh-heh....


Sartasmus-As far as I can tell, Trinstar is an innoc-....Trinstar is a bystander in this situation. He once tried to steal the Philosopher's Stone from me, and I was able to ensnare him in that device that YOU PEOPLE released him from....sorry....anyway, he has the ability to read people's minds when they come near enough. My bet is that he managed to read the thoughts closest to the surface of your mind while you were approaching, and found that you were questing for Afgncaap5. Sensing that you would most likely release him if you thought that he was, in fact, Afgncaap5, he most likely altered his voice to mimic that of the accursed adventurer, and altered his form enough so that you wouldn't instantly attack the second that he emerged. You people fell into his schemes fairly easily, I must say. Adventurers like you need to learn that-

Greklas-Enough, Sartasmus. Adventurers are known to tamper in what they don't understand. It's what they do.

Harvey-In regards to Afgncaap5, I don't think we can be of much help there. We haven't heard a thing about him ever since....hmmm....when was that?

Greklas-A while back. I wasn't known by appearance to Afgncaap5 at the time, so it was fairly easy for me to convince Afgncaap5 that at my castle our "dutiful research team" would be able to help him unlock the mysteries of that artifact that he had found.

Sartasmus-But then he just vanished along with the artifact! You still should've let me use him for ingredients in that Earthquake Potion that I wanted to mix! A cauldron of that stuff, and we could've seen a few decent-sized cities turn to rubble! Treasure vaults and military warehouses would've been easy pickings for months! And who *knows* what that Artifact was capable of!!! If we'd just killed him quickly like I wanted to, he would've been out of everyone's hair permanently, and we'd have an ancient device of unknown power to work with!

Harvey-Oh, that reminds me, Sartasmus, there's this offer that we've got over here....

*Sartasmus looks over the contract and scoffs*

Sartasmus-Bah! You three can waste the next shot that you get at that blue-caped buffoon, but I know better! Give a hero an inch, and they get a mile away before you know what's hit you!

Harvey-You need some anticoffee. Anyway,...Lil, is it? Anyway, Lil, we did some sharing of stories before your group arrived, and we found that you've been sent on this quest by some Pan-Dimensional Entity named FACE, or something. If you're here, then it's quite possible that we're on the trail of Afgncaap5 at this very moment. He may even be locked away in one of the cells at the Andromeda Way Prison somehow through an unusual turn of events. Assuming that the other villains that we're picking up aren't in too great of a rush, then we'll be able to browse through some of the rosters when we arrive....which should actually not be long from now, unless I'm very much mistaken.

*Mere moments after this is said, a buzzer rings, and a green light on the computer turns on for a few moments*

Harvey-Excellent! We're within visual range! Are we all ready?

*The other scientists nod*

[Yar] I know I am.

*setting down her cup, rising and stretching* I feel ready to continue. If you don't mind, we'll accompany you.

*looking at Sam* You know, I think I could help you with those stitches. Just a cosmetic thing, but it could increase your social acceptbility quotient...

*Sam smiles, nods, and tap dances out of the room*

Harvey-Looks like he liked the offer, but has to think about it. Nice guy, that Sam. He was my final exam at the University, you know!

Greklas-Stop him before he tells the story!

Greg-How long until we can communicate with the asteroid?

Harvey-Soon. Any minute now. We'll just need the Squid to tell us when we're ready.

*drains her and munches the last of the Abernethy*

Ready when you are.

*Finishes *

I'm ready, too. I feel much better now that we are all back together.

Harvey-Okay, then! Here's the game-plan! The only one here capable of getting through the cloud of G-Force mines surrounding that planet is The Arithmancer. Arri?

Arithmancer-My wristwatch has been using the castle's scanners to examine the cloud surrounding the Mines ever since entering visual range. Within moments, I'll have a virtual representation of every one of them orbitting around the asteroid. A few seconds after this computer finishes, I'll formulate the path that we're the least likely to set off a mine with based on the known trajectories.

Harvey-Right. We'll then be able to push our way through. Going under the assumption that we won't be capable of taking a straight path through it, we'll be relying on those special thrusters and inertial dampeners that you developed for lightning-fast passage through asteroid belts, Greklas. In the event of an unforseen glitch in either the computer program or if our maneuverability options aren't up to specs, I've enhanced the defense systems around the castle to be capable of withstanding a good amount of time within the black hole that will result through specialized force-fielding, using the ship's artificial gravity systems to double as a shield generator against the crushing force, and a little reinforcing with my Full Newtonian Reversal spray which has held up to gravitational attacks in the past.

Greklas-I'm ready to operate the equipment.

Harvey-When we're through the cloud we'll have to work quickly and carefully so as to avoid setting off any of the anti-technology devices. They'll probably assume that we're a supply ship that's on an intentional crash course, but there's no way of knowing if there's a time limitation. If there is, we'll probably be bereft of most of our personal powers and weaponry untill we reach the primary guard facilities, which could take quite some time if we're too far given the hostile terrain that this prison was chosen for (and who's to know what type of prison cells we might accidentally wander into if the worst-case scenario comes around). Assuming that we can stay in the air for a decent length of time, it'll be up to Greg to work the teleportation systems. He's the best at teleportation that I've ever met, and his knowledge of genetics could easily supress any biofilters that we'd be unlucky enough to run across. While he's working on that, Sartasmus, you need to power up those transmutation rays that you developed before you created the Philosopher's stone. If there're any B.E.T.T.E. members still in their cells, we may need something that can transmute adamantium into plywood or mithril into thin paper. If any are buried underground, we might even need to change granite to fettucine.

Sartasmus-Oh, the Tossio setting?

Harvey-Yeah, that's the one.

*reaching into her backpack for her VPB* Arithmancer, those wristwatch scanners are so retro. You should get your spectacles upgraded.

I ... *sits down again rather heavily* Whoa. Has the gravity changed?